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Being Bullied As A Child

bullies picked on isolated

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#1 sandythedog



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Posted 04 September 2013 - 12:17 AM



Here's my question:


As a child, I was picked on very much and I actually don't like to revisit those memories.  My self esteem has much improved over time, b"H/chasdai Hashem, but it still bothers me that someone could hurt me like that.  It happened most, if not all, of elementary school.  Now that I'm engaged, b"H, my fiancé wonders why it still bothers me, all this time later...like, so much time has passed, it makes him wonder what the shpiel is (like, is it unhealthy or whatever, to still be thinking about it).  At this point, it ended about 13 years ago, but it went on for a number of years).  I feel bad that I can't share this experience with him, as...it really was a (big?) part of my life and I want him to know how I struggled, so he'll sympathise.  The thing is, he just seems bothered by it, bc he's bothered that I'm 'bothered.'  Honestly, I wondered say I'm bothered by that anymore, just...annoyed and well, bothered, that someone could do that to me; not bothered in the sense that it happened or dwelling on it, chas v'shalom (G-d forbid), but in the sense that someone would do that to me, like, I didn't count in their eyes.  Is it abnormal to still be bothered by something in my childhood, something that took years to work through, that I, obviously, still struggle with on some level?  I'm much more open minded and forgiving, both of myself ('how could I let that happen?) and of others (why dude??).  At the same time, I want to share this with my chosson because I really struggled.  Why can't he know that?  Why doesn't he get it?  He just feels bothered that it bothers me still...yes, it does.  Things from my childhood still bother me because it had a huge impact on me and my life, how I saw myself, etc.  He's absolutely right that time should've healed this, but I still feel the after effects sometimes.  I don't think about it much, and I definitely don't dwell on it...how do I approach this?  Is it normal to not be able to share everything with your fiancé? is it possible he will understand more later?  I did explain that I moved away from that negative place, step by step, but it took time, and that I don't think about it much anymore. 


Thanks in advance for the feedback :)

Shana Tova!

#2 Punims



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Posted 16 September 2013 - 03:52 PM

I think it makes so much sense that it still bothers you! I don't know anyone who would've just "forgotten" being teased.Teasing HURTS. Bad. When something really gets to you, you remember it forever. I can name kids and tell you the exact moment when I was teased and it's been YEARS!


Many years ago, before Yom Kippur I told myself that I forgive these girls for things they've done. And I do forgive them. I have no intention in wanting people to suffer years later for something so trivial that happened so long ago. But that doesn't mean I forgot it and am not hurt by it! Hurt doesn't go away. But you can still let go and forgive -- and continue to feel the hurt when you think about it.


Your chosson is a male! Guys just do not get this stuff. It has to do with feelings and that's not part of a guy's vocabulary. Don't mind him. He's just being himself. And you are being so normal by still feeling the hurt.

#3 Morgenstern



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Posted 17 September 2013 - 06:18 PM

The reason why your finance is bothered by you being bothered by what happened to you growing up, is because he himself went through the same thing, and that bothers him. "The whole world is composed of mirrors." 

However, we are brought up to believe that we shouldn't dwell on these things in our pasts because its not "mature" or "manly" or whatever.