4 replies to this topic

[Somejewishguy]

Hey so I'm in love with this girl who I've been shidduch dating for 3 months. She's amazing, she has Ana amazing personality my family and friends love her but I have this problem. Every morning I wake up with a bad gut feeling about her. My gut says she's not as frum as me and my gut is right. She's def not at as frum as me in many ways. Like she doesn't cover her knees, she doesn't daven every day,she's very judgemental. However she knows all of this and says she wants to change and that's why I'm going to propose to her. But What do I do about this gut feeling?

[taon]

Ive always been told not to go into marriage expecting the other person to change. Especially such major changes, which wont practically bbe adressable for a while after marriage, when it will seen less important to. definitely speak to a rabbi who knows you or her/

[Morgenstern]

>Doesnt cover knees

Sounds like someone who fancies themself as "modern." The problem with this mentality is that it causes people to think that tzniut was something for the old world and today "we are above that" or some chert-ah-pert like that. Covering of the knees is required by halachah. However, people who atleast say that are affiliated frumkite have a nasty habit of rebelling against that halachot that have been transmitted to us for all these thousands of years to do the "modern" thing ie fit in with goyim and secularized Jews. 

Furthermore, another thing people dont understand about tzniut is that its not an issue between women anf G-d. Its an issue between women and all the guys around her. However, that offends the sensibility of secularized people..

>Doesnt pray everyday
That sounds like an issue between her and G-d. One that is easily remedied.


>she's very judgemental
All Jews are judgemental. Torah says not to be but we have to stay in reality. 

It sounds like you dont really know what you want. I think you just want some chick ASAP. I think you need to just slow down, bro.
 

[Yet]

Um - maybe it's just me, but it doesn't sound like the best idea to get married to someone whom you have a bad gut feeling about every morning...  At least not  until you've spoken to someone who knows you well, and to whom you look up to in spiritual matters, who can advise you on what is best for you.  What you should "do" about the feeling is - don't ignore it.

 

Seriously, marriage has enough rough spots that come up naturally without starting out with some already there.  Change doesn't come easily to people - you may have noticed when trying to grow spiritually yourself.  If you can't expect yourself to change easily, then why expect it of someone else?  She has set her path.  You are going to be the one changing paths if you decide to go through with this, not her.  You are the one making a decision not to let it bother you, even when you know it should.  You are the one who is choosing a wife who will be raising your children with the values that she holds now.  If these things are important to you, and you want them to be part of the foundation of your home, then think carefully and very hard before you go ahead with your marriage proposal to this girl.

 

I am not trying to put her down - I am SURE that she is a wonderful person, with incredible middos, and many other strengths to be admired.  But if there is a value clash, I think it is a dangerous idea to say "she'll change."  You're asking either for arguments, or for a lowering of your own standards.

 

(And just for the record, of the three things you mentioned - not covering her knees is a real, halachic problem!  Not davening every day - I don't know what you mean by that (doesn't daven every single tefillah - all parts of shacharis, mincha, maariv; or doesn't daven at all, even brachos, shemoneh esrei...) - but I know many people who struggle with that, and being judgemental, again, is a chisaron in middos, and none of us are perfect.  My point is just that I really can imagine her being an amazing, totally normal person.  The reason I picked on the first point is because that impacts others - including you, every time you go out with her, by the way - in a very real, damaging way every single time she goes anywhere.  Don't forget - you may want your wife to look good, but you're "sharing her" with the rest of the world if she doesn't conform to the halachos of tznius; do you really want other men looking at YOUR wife in an inappropriate manner?  And do you really want YOUR wife being machshil other people?  Everyone has struggles and chisronos, but some are much more public than others...  That said, to bring it full circle - while some may be more problematic than others, if they are things that bother YOU, and that you are noticing even now, before you are living with her 24-7, and they are values that YOU hold dear, this may not be the right choice for you.)

 

Hatzlacha!

[devo]

personally i think you should have an open converasation with her regarding this. but before you do that you should consider deeply these conflicts you have and evelute how much they mean to you. if you see visable change and it is her desire to change for herself that is very diffrent from her changing for you. so if she is doing it for herself than its better than for you bc if it for you she my start resenting it. personally i couldnt be with someone judgemental but that is a personal things. listen to your gut also and speak to ppl you trust and dont have alterior motitives. hatzlacha.