7 replies to this topic

[Trying2cope]

k so heres my problem..

my brothers 1 1/2 older than i am. hes a star in his yeshiva, a great masmid, very shtark, never went on the internet type, the apple of my parents eyes, etc etc. theres only one thing that i know about him that my parents dont, and thats that he touches me and my other sisters. now im not sure if thats normal, but im assuming its not so, especially coming from the yeshivish home im in.

he touches me and my sister a lot and it really bothers me. i try to get away from him but its virtually impossible, im always around him.

it also bothers me that he touches my 8 yr old sister i think directly on her private parts (by me its only on my clothing or straight on my back). one time i woke up really early and i heard him on my sister bed (on a bunk bed, she sleeps under me) and my sister sed "why every time i ask you to get something for me u cum over and start touching me and doing watever u want with me?" she whispered it, but i heard it. and it really bothered me. 

he touches each of us 3 girls separately so its not like we talk about it at all or hafta do with one another about it.

any ideas of how i cud put a complete stop to this? 

i cant talk to my parents or anyone else cuz itll ruin my brothers grand reputation.

[taon]

For your sake, your sisters, and his, you need to tell someone. His reputation is no reason for you three to get hurt like this. I have no idea what is going through his mind when he does these things, but with proper help perhaps it can be overcome. But if nothing happens, it will just get worse, and he may end up hurting many people with out even thinking twice any longer. Contact Ohel 718-851-6300 or 1-800 603-OHEL  (thanks T=MC) for help. From what you are saying, it may be possible to get him help without public knowledge or police involvement, but speak to the experts first. I Tell us how it goes please. For all your sakes, this needs to be handled correctly and soon.

[upescalator]

Hi Trying to cope, I read and then reread your post and my hands haven't stopped shaking.

 

Put it this way, a few years ago I was on the other side of the picture - I was a senior HS bochur touching my (male) friends. Believe me, looking back, I wish someone had stopped me in my tracks! My parents eventually caught on to the double sided picture, on one hand I had an almost perfect, stellar grand reputation but on the other hand I had some dark secrets. I was sent to a psychologist, and after a year of therapy I can honestly say I am a different person today.

 

I want to share with you one line from 1 of my therapists. He told me "we want to help the good guys out there", so I asked him, "do you mean that you want to protect the good, innocent people out there from being my victims", and he replied, "no, YOU are the good guy I want to help!" My point to you, Trying To Cope, is that it specifically is the "good guy, shtark masmid etc" who we need to help!

 

Every boy is attracted to girls, and visa verse, however, no one should be touching the other without consent. Period. The underlying issues - and their remedy - are known to psychologists, and they CAN help. Believe me!

 

I wish you much hatzlacha in doing what you need to do to help your brother get the help he needs. Remember: someone who speaks to a psychologist isn't "crazy", he's a regular guy in need of a chizuk boost. As Rabbi Shapiro wrote somewhere, "I once asked a well known psychologist, a specialist in addictions, how therapy can help someone with an addiction. After all, therapy is just words exchanged between therapist and patient. How in the world can that impact on someone's urges? His answer to me was that therapy does not impact on the addiction. The client himself has to fight his urges. The therapy serves only as a way to hold the client's hand as he goes through his battle. And that helps a lot."

[Struggling teen]

Hi Trying to cope, I read and then reread your post and my hands haven't stopped shaking.

 

Put it this way, a few years ago I was on the other side of the picture - I was a senior HS bochur touching my (male) friends. Believe me, looking back, I wish someone had stopped me in my tracks! My parents eventually caught on to the double sided picture, on one hand I had an almost perfect, stellar grand reputation but on the other hand I had some dark secrets. I was sent to a psychologist, and after a year of therapy I can honestly say I am a different person today.

 

I want to share with you one line from 1 of my therapists. He told me "we want to help the good guys out there", so I asked him, "do you mean that you want to protect the good, innocent people out there from being my victims", and he replied, "no, YOU are the good guy I want to help!" My point to you, Trying To Cope, is that it specifically is the "good guy, shtark masmid etc" who we need to help!

 

Every boy is attracted to girls, and visa verse, however, no one should be touching the other without consent. Period. The underlying issues - and their remedy - are known to psychologists, and they CAN help. Believe me!

 

I wish you much hatzlacha in doing what you need to do to help your brother get the help he needs. Remember: someone who speaks to a psychologist isn't "crazy", he's a regular guy in need of a chizuk boost. As Rabbi Shapiro wrote somewhere, "I once asked a well known psychologist, a specialist in addictions, how therapy can help someone with an addiction. After all, therapy is just words exchanged between therapist and patient. How in the world can that impact on someone's urges? His answer to me was that therapy does not impact on the addiction. The client himself has to fight his urges. The therapy serves only as a way to hold the client's hand as he goes through his battle. And that helps a lot."

 

Wow!!!!!!! What you said about the answer your therapist gave you when you asked.......really stood out and reading that was very good for me and im sure everyone else thank you for sharing!

[Trying2cope]

thanks u taon and upescalator for replying. 

i wud lyk 2 get him help. and fast. but, as i mentioned before-- theres no way im doing tht at the cost of his reputation. hes a senior in hs and the shidduch crisis is bad enuf. so if its public knowledge or involving police then scratch it off the list.

im thinking abt calling ohel tho. ill try tht sometime this wk iyh.

shud i just try to tell him gently 2 get off of us? i never spoke 2 him directly... i gues im a bit scared 2 talk abt it. i usually just go w the flow and he touches me while im on the comp, etc and pretend i dont notice (ya rite, i obv do)

im so scared tht ill be killing myself (not literally) if i make life hard for him!

[upescalator]

 

thanks u taon and upescalator for replying. 

 

im thinking abt calling ohel tho. ill try tht sometime this wk iyh.

shud i just try to tell him gently 2 get off of us? i never spoke 2 him directly... i gues im a bit scared 2 talk abt it. i usually just go w the flow and he touches me while im on the comp, etc and pretend i dont notice (ya rite, i obv do)

im so scared tht ill be killing myself (not literally) if i make life hard for him!

 

You can tell him "I'm uncomfortable with what you're doing, please stop" but I doubt it will help. Someone tried telling me that and it didn't help for too long. The urge to abuse is way too strong.

 

"i wud lyk 2 get him help. and fast. but, as i mentioned before-- theres no way im doing tht at the cost of his reputation. hes a senior in hs and the shidduch crisis is bad enuf. so if its public knowledge or involving police then scratch it off the list."

 

Precisely because of his reputation is why he needs help! He is a great guy and that's why you care about him and want him to get help. In today's world celebrities mess themselves up again and again and then one day they end up with a really messed up reputation. If you're brother doesn't get help soon, I guarantee you that one day his reputation will be completely worthless because this problem doesn't go away, it simply spreads from one victim to another. 

 

"im so scared tht ill be killing myself (not literally) if i make life hard for him!"

 

When I was sent to psychotherapy the first time I thought my parents were "making life hard for me" but in a short time I realized they were giving me a true gift out of their pure love for me. I haven't told my parents this, but I am completely indebted to them for sending me to therapy.

 

"hes a senior in hs and the shidduch crisis is bad enuf."

 

If he enters the shidduch market without getting help for his problems, he will find himself in worse problems.

Perhaps you should watch this video:  - you'll learn more about this problem from one of my therapists, and remember: no one is here to blame anyone else, only to lend a helping hand to your brother.

 

Much Hatzlacha! 

[Struggling teen]

Trying2cope- you really must get him help before it gets worse. why don't you call up Ohel anonymously and explain to them the situation and ask them if there's a way to keep this quiet but get him help. you can even block ur number by pressing *67 if your to scared. but, I think you really need to protect yourself and your sisters. about shiduchim if this is a "sickness" he has then he wont be any better with his wife it might ruin his marriage and then for sure his reputation so I think you should call Ohel and see what they can advise you with. I say don't go to your brother stay safe and get guidance. good luck! 

[taon]

It's amazing how far you will go to protect him, but at this point, what he needs is professional help. If you contact the right people, they'll go through this discreetly, without doing unnecessary damage. Hashem can get him a shidduch regardless, the important thing is that he have a healthy relationship with that bashert, and with others.