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We used to have topic about shomer negiyah and such....so here goes

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#1 sandythedog



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Posted 14 November 2011 - 11:34 PM

We wonder: why are we shomer? why do we separate ourselves from the goyim and act all 'archaic'? Well, here's a few reasons:

1) Everytime we connect physically via a handshake, a hug etc, we release chemicals from our brains that connect us to that person. Now, what if this person is nice, kind, loving, caring etc, you don't stay shomer, and now ur connected to him/her. What if, two months into dating, you realize he isn't the person you thought he was? Or that he is totally not for you for one reason or another? You now have to deal with the feelings of connectivity which were reinforced by physical contact. [check out: The Magic Touch by Gila Manolson]

2) When touch comes to play in a pre-marital relationship, since there isn't a committment, it is mostly physical or at least, mostly selfish. How many people say 'I make physical contact with my boyfriend/girlfriend bc he/she wants that.'? Usually, it's probably initiated by the person himself/herself, for themself, NOT for the other party. In a marriage, one is supposed to give. If one is only in the marriage for self-gratification, that's gonna be a major problem.

3) Obviously, if you had physical contact with someone, you're gonna remember it as either the first time person a and yourself did xyz, especially if first time doing whatever action it was. What about your husband/wife one day? When you have any kind of PG/PG 13 contact with your spouse, do you really want to be thinking 'I remember this action with person a.?' There's a certain, innocence, in it. IF YOU'VE DONE THINGS B4, IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO TURN AROUND. A U turn in life, starts with U.

4) Physical acts are draining after a while. They aren't fulfilling on their own, without the substance. Think of it this way: you have a table of junk food in front of you. You can really only eat soo much without an upset stomach or whatever. IF there was something fulfilling there, you'd eat your share and feel satisfied; but if not, you are only left with the feeling of emptiness bc of lack of substance. That's what it's like when one does sexual things out of marriage (or endulgies in those things, whether via inappropriate reading/viewing material or physical actions one does to himself/herself).

5) In the context of a marriage, what are marital relations about anyway? If it's ONLY about having children, then the husband of a wife who is expecting would have no requirement to provide for her physical needs in this way while she's pregnant. Or, if someone isn't able to have children etc. Both of these cases aren't accurate-a husband would still have an obligation to his wife, I believe (Rav Moderator, please correct if wrong). So what's the deal? As we said, physical contact is about connection. You are connecting to one's spouse, and one's Creator, by taking the physical and elevating it to the spiritual. (Also, we are refered to as Hashem's wife. That is one expression used to show our relationship with Him. So maybe that's also why connected to Hashem when together physically with spouse. ) When physical contact occurs outside a marriage, we are then trying to connect to something that can't be connected to. There's no committment, no 'real deal.'

Aish.com has some great articles on this.

About individuals (when too involved in the secular world) who may be too lax in their behavior:

About the meaning of marital relations in the marriage context:

It may be tough to hang in there but you know what? It saves you heartache, trouble, pain and -yourself. Would you give any part of yourself to someone you've only known a short time?? Very few of us are organ donors, even just for kidneys...maybe there's a reason....maybe we have a sense of self that we just can't let go of. Marriage is about letting YOU blend with SPOUSE. Not, GIVING AWAY yourself.

be well everyone.

#2 rocksdontfly



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Posted 09 January 2012 - 07:23 PM

wow #1 is rly interesting! ur brain rly does that? what kind of chemicals does it release?
lets say ur hand just brushes against his? it actually just happened yesterday so im rly curious:)

#3 sandythedog



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Posted 09 February 2012 - 04:33 AM


So I don't remember the name of the chemical but at least some of Gila Manolson's books discuss the topic of shomer negiyah. Girls want to be made to feel safe and part of that can involve physical contact, like a hug. That contact can release hormones, as mentioned above. One must be VERY careful with shomer. It's a sliperly slope. In addition, even a brush of the hand can entice someone (probably men more but not certain). Please be careful. From the bottom of my heart, people get into things they shouldn't because lines are crossed so I'm asking people to be careful. Shomer really pretects the women from getting more hurt. Imagine the difference between emotionally involved, which is intense to begin with, vs emotionally and physically involved? It's much more hurtful because so much more was shared with this other person. It's sharing that connects two people. In terms of men, it protects them from breaking other halachot, laws, as well (men aren't allowed to spill seed, as it's referred to in english, he is only allowed to release seman when he is physically [fully] with his wife) although Rabbi Shapiro did state that breaking shomer is a halachik, law, issue as well, even if it doesn't lead to pre-marital relations). Additionally, it does help to keep guys on a Torah track, as the purpose of his pulls to do physical acts are based on the fact that he has the mitzvah of having children, paru u'rivu.
I know someone who didn't grow up religious I dn't think and she regretted not being shomer (even though she was never fully with someone)

Good luck to everyone out there and know that Hashem will help-He always does :)

#4 much2learn



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Posted 10 February 2012 - 01:07 PM

wow #1 is rly interesting! ur brain rly does that? what kind of chemicals does it release?
lets say ur hand just brushes against his? it actually just happened yesterday so im rly curious:)

Serotonin, vasopressin, oxytocin (these are all knows as your "feel good" hormones, serotonin is also released when you eat chocolate... same idea) and a cascade of endogenous hormones as well.

(I wrote papers on this in university ;) )

#5 OrYekarot



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Posted 28 October 2013 - 11:57 AM

The chemical is called oxytocin.


It's released during nursing and whenever a man and woman touch (esp. when they are "living together").  Also whenever you touch your siblings or friends but in a MUCH lesser amount.

#6 Morgenstern



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Posted 30 October 2013 - 01:15 PM

I liked how the OP touched up on some sensitive issues without quoting from kabbalah spook sources.

Kol ha'kavod.