93 replies to this topic

[TovaLeahGlass]

If you are not comfortable emailing with your name there is also always the option of an anonymous email. I have a friend who did that once made an extra gmail account.

[eidel]

Do you want me to try it out and tell you what it's like? (i *was* a cholah up to very recent..)

I wish I can invite you to my house, Shira, and cook something healthy for supper. You sound very much like when I was in school, had all the things a student can dream of, making my guilt worse for it.. I felt bad for my professor who did everything imaginable for me. He was like your family, i guess, caring but not able to get the point.. Ppl actually called me spoiled. (back then i had a legal issue that made me stressed out and unhealthy.) But we mustn't be too harsh on ourselves - we have to have pity on ourselves.
We're here on earth because this is where we belong now.
Anyway, i'm really happy to see you're here.

Sorry for mixing up Shira's post with Idknemore's.
In any case, Hashem knows our conditions, and even if there was something that we could've done, He forgives us if we do Teshuvah.

[HTH]

Shifra - You had the strength to reach out to us on this forum, and we are so glad you did. How about this - would you print these posts and just hand them to an adult you trust? Is there such an adult in your life. Think hard about it - this issue of getting help may be the most important decision you ever make. Do you realize what a lack it would be for the world if you weren't here? You are a sensitive & deep, beautiful person - and we need more like you around here! If it is too hard to reach out for help on your own, just collapse into someone's arms and allow them to embrace you; allow them to help you get the help you need.

Keep on talking to us - we're here for you and we care.

[eidel]

(pls post this only if my last post about the Rav is accepted)
So, i really hope you find someone very confidential, too. I really understand that you felt betrayed before. "All they wanna do is help": i know exactly what you want to say by this.

[shira]

i cant do that this is already a huge strain 4 me. im so lost. help me! pleaase. i feel like im already dead. i cant reach out more than just posting these dumb stuff.

[eidel]

Shira, last time i crossed Ocean Parkway i was praying for you. I wish i could be a real friend, even just until you feel strong enough to go on. You're such a thoughtful person; Hashem must have a lot of beautiful friends ready for you. I thought professionals may be the right "first aid" to get out of confusion, but there is another thing i would like to suggest. If you're in the area, & can afford a bit of time, pls try entering a real Orthodox shul like on a weekday morning. Boro park has a lot of small comfy shuls open all week. Maybe if u sit in shul without any of your ordinary folks around, no peer pressure, nobody suspecting or presuming anything, u could feel closer to G-d.. This worked for me a few years ago when i felt stuck. I was able to concentrate on what i needed to ask Hashem, and that afternoon my problem was solved. The one i used then was Skulen. I think its good to step into a medium to small size shul. Sometimes men can be in the womens section but they usually go out and let u daven unless its a scheduled shiur for them at the time. For me, shul is where i can chase away all the "dumb" obstacles. May HKBH guide you to the right person who'll understand and help you out. And if u feel safe here, pls write whatever you need to let out. Love, eidel

[shira]

thanks eidel, but its just that i dont find connection in a schul. i just feel worse because i see how far i've fallen down. i feel so far away from god compared to what i used to be. but im meeting with my rabbi today. so maybe that'll help. you really an amazing person and i admire you for caring so much about a complete stranger

[kooky]

Shira -

You wrote about a month ago that you had started seeing a new therapist that you felt it could really work with. Are you continuing to see the therapist? Do you feel anything different bec of that?

Also - Shira you discuss alot about having suicidal thoughts and then guilt about the suicidal thoughts.. If you really have a plan for this please call 911 or some emergency hotline in your area so that you can get the help you need. I know sometimes it feels as if nothing will get better, but it really can it just takes the right help and time.

[eidel]

Dear Shira,

The fact that you feel like you fell down, all the guilt, proves to me your real *desire* to be closer to our Bashefer. You are a precious precious Yid... Even when you're sad and feeling like giving up, your purity shines through... All your reactions to shocks/difficulties you described before (including cutting, o.d.) reflects your sensitivity and purity, when put together with the other things you write.

Thank you so much for the kind words. You're better than me because you don't blame other ppl or your environment for your difficulties. I sometimes complained to Heaven, "i'm not doing my job here if i don't get what i need!" - i really rebelled! (HKBH waits for us to cry out to Him, but i shouldnt have said it that way. It was totally childish & arrogant.) If Hashem forgives such a person and gives me what i ask for, He surely will give you a good confidential adult to talk to, a chance to share your true feelings with your friends &/or new friends not so far from your age, friendships that will last, if only you believe in your worth and ask for it. You've waited for a long time - i believe u - but maybe you need to trust that you really deserve it, that Hashem wants you to have it, and maybe not be afraid to try it a little, work it out with the friend(s) He gives you, because no two people are a perfect match that doesn't need work.

BH my anxiety attacks ended, with the support from my Rav and best friends. I took advantage of being sick and enjoyed eating before Tefillah what my friends gave me, &didnt go to shul when my head was banging. And i talked a lot with my friends. When we feel down that we can't connect vertically, we can surround ourselves with loving ppl and reconnect to our Source through them. No pressure.

If a stranger notices your pure heart, people who know you directly must really really love you.

[Punims]

Hi Shira,
How did your meeting with your rabbi go? Did you feel like he understood you? Can he get you help?

Tonight is my birthday so I'm allowed to give a way free blessings. I bless you that all of this will one day be just a memory. A memory that is a stepping stone to be able to help people who are in similar situations. I hope you find the one that'll understand what you're going through and be able to help you soon.

Remember, if there is no one else, Rabbi Shapiro can atleast give you the Email addresses of some of the moderators on here (me!) so you can have a one on one with them. Wishing you all the clarity and peace that you need!

[shira]

im stuck again. ao this is what happ when i went to meet my rabbi. he said to meet him in his office so when i got there i called him and he said he'll b there soon. turns out 'soon' meant waiting 4 hours!!! i was frustrated but finally he showed up and dsed he'll drive me home and we'll talk on the way. i explained him my situation and even though the meeting lasted very short i felt so good around him. he said that im definitely in the wrong skool. and i agreed. i told him that e/t nxt yr is my last, i cant handle my skool a/m. i know id end up doing something rlly stupid, he told me my options , going to his seminary and skip 12th grade and i get get my BA in 2 yrs. which to me sounded like a rlly good idea. my other choice would be to switch to a nother skool but i x want that bc aother skool would end up hearing that i cut..... fro my principal, so that was the advantage of going to his seminary. bc he knows everything aready. so i went home and told my parents. and they blew up at me. they said how that seminary is 4 messed up kids... and im my own worst enemy (idk wat that has to do with anything but its a line they constantly tell me ) i cried like crazy. my dad was mad at my rabbi 4 suggesting that and sed how he doesnt know the whole situation and made a suggestion in 2 min. and my dad was also mad that he kept me waiting so long. i was hurt too, but hes such a busy rabbi and does so much 4 other pple.

anyways so we decided to spk to our familly rav who knew this rabbi and i spoke to him. he said that for now we dont know enough info about the seminary andwe should research a little more b4 making the dicision and that my parents should meet with my rabbi. but its really hard to contact him.

and i was just so hurt that my parents seemed to hate my rabbi. meeting him was one of the best things that ever happend to me. and i try so hard to please my parents and i want their approval in my relationships. but theyre never happy. they even tell me that my choice in friends is always to girls with issues. well honestly, ive got some issues too. im so scared with whats gonna happen.
i cry so much lately and feel constant terror again and i dont know why..

i think so much about death lately again. and i hate that humans are instinctive creatures. we want to live. so whenever im about to do it, something pulls me back. thats why , e/t i know its wrong, sometimes i pray for cancer, or a coma ..

[HTH]

Well, I'm glad that people are instinctive - that ensures you're here with us and that is where we want you!

It is a very scary, stressful time, but you have your Rabbi by your side, and your parent's Rabbi seems to be taking a clear and open minded approach to the matter. Let's see how things develop - I pray that your yeshu'ah come very, very speedily.

Do you have any plans this summer? Anything providing a little light within the darkness?

[Rabbi Shapiro]

shira,

Can you give me a basic rundown on the type of girls in your rabbis seminary, and how they are different/similar to yourself?

[shira]

its a seminary with a range of girls from all different types of backrounds. it you dont post this on the site .... its ateres naava. my parents dont want me to go . and im not sure i want to anymore because i dont think i can get a h.s. diploma if i skip 12th grade.

but most girls i think there are girls who need a warmer and loving school, and i think a some of them went through similar situations like my own, being abused or cutting. my parents though would freak if i compared myself to them . maybe their in denial or something, but they think im different. i dont really know, and at this point i dont think i care anymore

[Rabbi Shapiro]

and at this point i dont think i care anymore

Maybe, just maybe, that's what your parents are in objection to. I understand that, as you say, you "have some issues too," but sometimes, joining a group of people with worse issues weakens our motivation to solve our own. We tend to compare ourselves to those around us, and if we are surrounded with people who, compared to them, our issues seem relatively unsubstantial, it sometimes causes us to downplay our need to fix them.

Instead, what we will often do is, we will try to help those others around us, convincing ourselves that we are engaged in a self-sacrificing Chesed to put our efforts into those who need help much more than we do. But in reality, we are just finding ways to avoid fixing our own issues.

So I don't know if it's good or bad for you to go to this seminary, but it's not always so great to be surrounded with friends that have more serious issues than you.

[shira]

Hi I know that I havent written in a long time, so I thought that I'd just share with what happened this summer.
So I went to Israel first half and it started out great. I wish so badly now that I didn't go because I am so scarred by what happened.
We went to the dead sea one day me and my mom, and it was at the mixed beach, early in the morning. When ppl started coming my mom went to change and I was still outside the locker room tanning. Suddenly this Arab guy drove by on his tractor and stopped in front of me I'm such an idiot bec he startd talking to me and I should've ignored him, but I didnt he asked me do u think all Arabs are bad?

And I said yes. And he came so close up to me and said, really , ok I ll show you . And it's really hard for me to say this part. And I can't stop myself from crying as I say this.... But he attacked me. I froze. Just like the last time. I then tried punching and kicking him but he clamped his hand on my mouth and shook me. He took out a knife and said that hell cut me up if I make one mo sound. I was terrified. I bared the rest until he was done.

The funny thing is that I vaguely remember seeing a woman pretty close to where I was. And I wonder. Why did she nowt see me? Couldn't she have heard?!,!!

My mom came out of the locker room and the Arab had already left.

I silently promised not to tell. Partly bec I was afraid, and still shocked and partly bc I didn't want to spoil the rest of our trip.

Anyways 2nd half started and I went to camp. There I kept getting flashbacks and panic attacks. Would wake up in middle of the night drenched in my own sweat and tears, trembling.

Then there was a girl who I found out, my age who was molesting other girls and my friend. My sup told us that it was the third time and that this girl had maturity problems and didn't understand that it was wrong so it wasn't her fault. I begged this sup to tell authority and she said she we'd tell the psychaiatrist but it turns out she lied. She only told the director, who said that they wait till the fourth strike to kick someone out of camp. So u cud imagine how terrified I felt with me reliving everything each time I saw this girl. Then it happ again a 4th time but by then it was the third to last day and they said there was no point in kicking her out

Then the last nite of camp it was around 4 in the morning, I was just fed up. With corrupted authority. With my panic attack and depression and god knows what else.

S I overdosed on my antideppressants. I told my friend but swore to her that it want enought to do anything.
Then I fell asleep for an hour and suddenly my entire body started spasming uncontrolibly. I told my friend who came running. I told her not to tell anyone but she didnt listen . She called up the. Psychiatrist in camp and all the nurses.

Before I knew it I was in an ambulance. My dad met me at the hospital. There my heart rate was so fast they thought I was gonna have a heart attack or go intop a coma.i wish I did. But when my dad wanted to sign me out AMA the dr, said he was going to call e police. So my dad was yelling at me to get dressed the police suddenly showed up. But it was like millions and there were k9s and I was terrified. My dad called the head of hatzalah who arranged for them to let me transfer to mimonidies. So I did. And there after a full day on suicide watch I was released.

I can't express the terror, the guilt of seeing my friends faces crying as I was being forced in to the ambulance. The shame of having to deal with all the rumors going on in camp. Having to face all these ppl

The worst was dealing with my family. And facing myself at what I had done.
My dad was heart broken. There's no other word. My mom who told me that she didn't believe wat happ in Israel, bc she was right there, killed me

Then the accusations of my parents who said, well what do u expect to happen to u if u were dressed like that! Just mad me want to die even more

My anger at god,
I don't know what to do with myself. How can I face the world again?

Where my pain is shoved aside. And where my screams and tears are never heard bc I don't know how to express them.

How can I go back into a school for 12th grade where I feel like a 2nd class citizens. Where my principal publicly humiliated me. Said such horrible things to me and my parents.

And how do I handle session after session with so many doctors, therapists and psychiatrists,

I feel so lost
So confused
Dazed
Hurt and so angry.
I feel like I want to reach out
Want to call that friend who I think might make me feel better but I fell no strength to pick up the phone
Or don't feel the courage to do so


And how

How on earth do I face myself or god?

[idknemore]

Hi everyone I just want to say a few things ...
I have fallen terribly and I stopped postin on here because shira started posting and I felt that she has a hard life also and needed the spotlight another thin is that this summer 2nd month I was incamp and I know it's really scary but I met a girl and we got close because we shared simallar struggles and this past who shaboss I went over to that friends house and we were talking and she asked me if I ever heard of a site called frumteens.....and I seriously freaked out like shaking and I was like ya it's like been m lifeline and m only place to turn for the past 3 years ... Why what about it so she asked me if I ever errand posts and I said ya I always do so she said u know the deep trouble called help mee so I said ya I started that one so she was like I'm SHIRA and I was like I'm I IDKNEMORE and we both started freaking out bust basically me and shura met this summer in camp and were really good friends ya ok that beig said ....how is everyone doing ?

[shira]

Omg, guys, I need to make a public apology. So my friend came over this Shabbos, who I met in camp, and we realized that we know each other from this site. Turns out that it was 'idk anymore.'. It was crazy we were both flipping out. So I just wanted to apologize for kind of steering away the attention from her when I started writing in middle of a convo u were all having. And I feel really bad about it, and I'm sorry.

[shira]

I recently posted something. But it never got posted on the site, I just wanted to know why, cuz it was emotionally draining to write all of that and I'm wondering where it went

[idknemore]

Thanx shira it really means a lot to me ......