93 replies to this topic

[shira]

hey guys long time no speak... wow, so much has happened.... since my insane summer, my boyfriend who is now officially the biggest jerk ive ever met.... he took advantage of me, and i hated it when he would get intimate with me when i asked him to stop...

 

anyways, im going to israel next year for sem! i cant beleive it because i was so anti the idea, but i hope i dont screw this up for myself. my parents are terrified im gonna o.d. again, honesly, ive become afraid of myself.

im so scared that im gonna be so fed up with having my parents dictate what i should look like, they make me feel so guilty and ive disapointed htem in so many ways that im afraid that i'll play the card of , im never gonna be able to meet their expectation, so why bother- kind-of-attitude.... so im afraid ill mess things up for myself... ben yehuda... you know

 

also another issue, i speak to stragers on the internet... another creepy thing, last summer when i was in israel on the bus, i started talking to some 30 year old guy who told me how hes becoming religious because he was in a huge car accident and was in a coma for 2 yrs, after that he said how it was so clear to him that there was a god, that he came from russia to israel to learn more abt judaism, i was so impresed and he asked me for my email, so i could help him improve on his english... i gave it to him. i havent heard from him for almost 8 months until a couple of weeks ago i saw an email from hims, saying how he remebers me and thinks of me... we have interesting conversations, its not like hes a perv, or manipulative, but some questions he asks me, are a little strange sometimes....

 

anyways i know ...im selfdestructive, my parents' motto, comes back to haunt me ever since i was a young kid that i feel like it became a self fulfilling prophecy.." you are your own worst enemy."

 

that line makes me shiver with rememberance of bad experiences. im still not past the horrors of being molested, the suicide attempts the nurses in the hospital asking tactless questions, like why do you want to die? why would u be stupid enough to ask that u idiot?

 

anyways, i missed this site, idk why but i wasnt able to access it for a while... whoever you guys are.... this is probably saving my life. so thanks

[HTH]

By the way, I can tell you who we are - just a bunch of people who care about you.  Keeping that in mind, I have a couple of things to share:

1. Why is a guy in his 30s contacting a girl in high school?  Something doesn't seem right...
2. At your seminary, find a staff member who you trust and tell them of your past - he or she can help you succeed in ways you don't realize.  I've known a seminary to arrange counseling for one of their students.  If you are honest with them, and you want to succeed, then (working together) you can get get past the horrors of your past, BE"H

With all the love and care in the world...

[shira]

thanks.... i just found out the name of something ive had since i was 5 years old ..  Trichotillomania

 

.  my mom knew and i wonder why she never brought it up... it scared me  that its been going on so long and i never knew it was a disease i felt like i was the only one in the world with this issue.  im mortified about it. the  funny thing is i still do it . maybe my mom forgot. is it possible i have OCD? i heard that thats the reason it happens?

 

anyways i had a repeat .. all hell broke loose.WHY DO GUYS PICK UP ON MY VULNERABILITY? HOW MANY MORE TIMES DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN? DOESNT GOD CARE?????????  i mean am i that bad.. am i being punished. ive suffered enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wish all my pain could end.

 

my principal was disgusting to me today in school i cant write abt it now bc its too recent and emotionally draining.... but i confronted her about e/t shes done to me... to see her icy coldness and blas'e attitude to the pain of gone through... shes told my past to teachers who it was completely unneccesary to notify... i ran out of school and i couldnt cry! WHY CANT I CRY WHEN I WANTED AND NEEDED TO SO BADLY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im in so much pain.... i was dryheaving, screaming and coughing the entire way home... i was in such shock how someone could ruin my life, embarass me, stab me with  a knife over and over again and say that it was letoeles!!!!!!!!!!!! and u call urself, jewish?

 

im DONE with these 'jewsih pple!!' how how cud she i feel so numb wanna cry but i cant ...just when i thought things were finally getting better they take a turn for the worse.. was it worth it in even having hope all along that things might improve? look where i am now.

 

sorry guys u have to listen to all my bull. im unappreciative. maybe its my fault. maybe i deserve this pain.. idk im just at my wits end.... idk anymore.  im done.

[DUNO]

Sweetypie, you are NOT being punished, it is an extremely extremely painful test that G-d is giving you.

What your principal did is HORRIBLE, and completely against the Torah.

 

Also, G-d doesn't necassarily want you to be who your parents want you to be, G-d wants you to be the best person YOU can be, every person is unique and has their own set of capabilities, it is very frustrating when people have expectations that you feel you can not meet, don't be so hard on yourself.

 

Even though it's soo hard to see, G-d is there and he loves you, talk to him, beg him to help you, I will too.

He really listens.

 

Hugs

[HTH]

Shira - please cry to us.  I have no solutions, but we want to hear from you.  It's safe here...

[taon]

Mayve your mother was careed. scared for you to find out you have this, scared how she herself would deal.

 

You said you principal seemed blase to your pain. Could it be becuase she' s experienced other cases of students in horrible situations? maybe this is just how she manages it, i dont know. It's  a terrible ay to do things, i know, but she may not have meant i that way... probably thought she was helping somehow by telling old teachers. paved with good intentions and all that.

 

who's been triggering you and how? I kind of wish i could confront these people, but maybe we can give you advice.

 

It sounded like things were getting better before. please keep moving foward. and keep posting here, good or bad.

[idknemore]

Hey guys wow I feel like I missed so much ! And shira ,Hun im gonna call u on Sunday or Monday to talk to u and we must chill b4 u go to sem ! Hang in there I know you can be strong and fight these urges and feelings because your not alone !

So everyone um hi here goes my rant (although ill try to keep it short)
I stoped cutting as much thank god but sadly I haven't recovered because I'm just keep on switching forms of self harm . In the past 2months I lost 30lbs and I'm just slipping the pounds off and EVERYONE is realizing . And it's gotten VERRY out of controll and I'm so helpless and my therapist wants me to go to an in/out patient center but I'm so scared bcuz my parrents still do t know ANYTHING THAT'S GOING ON. .
Also on Pesach I got so scared becus my friend tried to commit suicide in front of me and I just didn't know what to do so I ran away from her crying and with a heavy heart and ran to our hostesses and they brought her to the hospital and helped her calm down .
My guy friend that I smoke up with was chillin with me the other day (and we usually chill with a few ppl but this time noone wanted to come ) and I was really pissed at my dad for yelling at me and I was emotionally drained bcuz I had my school shabbaton ,so I td my guy friend that ill sleep over myself and mabe a friend will come over later . *also note I've been trying to overdose on my Meds lately but not enuf to die just to pass out or be in a coma* so I smoked up and then I aparently took a big hit and got really dizzy so I put my head down and then a minute later he helped me her up nd to inside his apartment . The rest of the night is a blurr because I think he drugged me with stronger stuff but I just plain don't remember also I woke up with much less clothing and a few days later realized I was VERRY sore and bruised up on my entire body . So I asked him what happened and he simply said we hooked up- so to me I have no clue what that entails so I asked and I got a quite detailed description of what went on . Simy stated this past week I have been planning my death and have been extreemelly depressed and disgusted by myself for what I had done (even tho I might have been drugged I must have agreed ) well I told my therapist what happened and she said no matter what because of our ages it's legally considered rape so it's been a week (happened last Sunday night/Monday morning) and I'm still depressed and keep poping the pills and cutting and everything is downhill because I'm kinda a failure. So I got tested in a clinic ace for any type of std or HIV diseases but that's bh ok so this Monday I have to go and get a pregnancy test and I'm so scared ! Like I never thought i would get to such a point .
Whatever it's not like I matter so ya . And I allready started a few days ago my rough draft of my goodbye letters to few people tht I know that actually care about me (totally not including my parrents) I and also my mother whom I hate with all my heart (especially for the mere action of bringing me I to this world) I haven't spokent to her since Pesach which apsoulutelly eats me up alive and brings me to tears to think about . And everything triggers me and I walk arround with pain in my heart and I just suck it up and put a smile on my face and pretend nothing is going on ...and everyone has been believing it for months . Until one day in class this week my teacher brought up a discussion about relationships with our parrents and asked for a detained essay with specific points ,and I just broke I started tearing a tiny bit and once one tear left my eye I couldn't hold it in . I burst into tears and ran out of the classroom as though all my classmates eyes were set on me . Then I didn't go to skewl the next day ,I was engulfed in so my wrath and self hate I couldn't bear to even leave my room Nd let the walls of my house see my ugly shameful face . K I just have so mabe repressed thoughts and feelings and I just want to scream and run into a train and die forever and be forgotten .but I do too much kindness so too many people know me k I'm so sorry for ranting like this ...just I couldn't handle holding all this in I'm sorry for being such a bother ! Ill just leave everyone alone now and stop ruining everything ,and eating and cutting and taking my pills and have a good day and week and everything cuz I dunnow when ill actually remember about u guys on here that mabe care about me a bit cuz I have so much hate in my life I dont even see a speck of good or love going on . I I'm sorry for everything .

[shira]

Hey guys thanks so much for responding... Im in hell rt now...no pun intended but taoon the road to hell is paved with good intentions... Means her intentions were wat put me in hell.. Gd im such an emotionally damged mess. Day aftr day i run out in mid of class and i just start sobbing incontrolBbly Nd its so unexpected.. its notlike s/t , happened.. idk where it comezs from, and its so weird bc i used to not b able to cry.. ythe tears always come at the wrong moments... Im in so much pain .. how am i gonna deal with israel nxt yr. Im not dumb enough to beleive that wen i leave my problems will stay behind... Wat kind of sem wide accept me if they rlly knew Wat was going on/ ? They don't know Wat they're in for I guess and I feel bad for them

[HTH]

Please, please get competent professional help.  This is too big for you to deal with alone.  For all the love and caring I have for you, I can't reach through this anonymous message board and give you what you need.  But you're in danger, and my heart is breaking for you.  Life is only beginning and, even though it seems impossible, things can get better.  Yet, you need to believe that, and take the courageous steps that are necessary to pull you through.  It is hard, it is painful - but certainly not more painful that what you are going through now.  Please let us know if you need help finding someone, and please don't wait...

[HTH]

idknemore - I love you and I care for you!  Please go to the hospital.  If your therapist says to go, then you should go right away.  It seems like there can be no love lost between you and your parents.  Therefore, just go, sweetie, just go!

[idknemore]

Hth - who was that to me or shira ?
And hey evryone ..so basically my therapist is makin me go to a in/out patient place really soon cuz I'm so out if controll and lost in everything
Anyone know of a good place to go cuz I looked into a few places like...
Cornell -doesn't take my insurance
St lukes children's hops- in middle of filling out an application
Some place in westchester ny- not even sure if they take my insurance

I have empire bcbs and ghi
So lemme know plzzzzz cuz I'm so scared and not sure what's gonna happen but ill try to keep everyone posted .

[shira]

Hey . I od last nite it was so crazy. Was on the bus comming back from shabbaton and o hot a huge patnic attack, remembering e/t that happened in Israel. I saw his face .. his knife... I waas terrified. It was like it was all happening again for real. It was so embarrassing . I cudnt breathe, e/0 was staring at me. And then I remembered the stash of pills I had on me and my friend saw me taking them.. she satatyed screamingt and the bus monitor saw.... Ugh it was such a mess. God I'm just.tired

[shira]

hi guys. its shira. havent been here in forever. im 19. ive been to hell and back. so much has happened. i went to israel for sem. i got thrown out of 2 places. 1 place was completely out of lashon hara ppl said about me my room mates were obnoxious, i pretended to be perfect. and someone spread rumors about me. i got kicked out. the other place i was caught drinking a 2% alc .drink and smoking a cig, so i was out. i was first put on probation but then they decided they didnt want another girl with issues so they politely told me to leave.

i cant describe the horrors. thankfully i had my dads rav in israel. this person....to describe his greatness. he and rav elyashiv were best friends. this man is on his deathbed. one day rav matisyahu solomoln came to visit him in the hospital, yet they made him leave after 5 min. i came later that day and he spoke to me, cried with me for 4 hours!

i dont deserve it and till this day i dont know why. he cries tells me that im like his daughter. someone who the whole world seeks and he is impossible to get ahold of, yet he calls me! to ask me about my horseback riding_ something he talked my parents into letting me ride since i was 7 and he knows how imp it is to me. its unbeleivable. i dont think even i am aware

 

anyways back to israel i was lucky to have my rav, he spoke to the schools cried fror me and told me that these people are going to suffer because they didnt deal with this correctly, and they called mechanchim.

 

the siuation was unfair, the punishments, humiliation i received, i dont think i deserved to that extent.

frumkeit is like down hill. im so incredibly just done with it. but i dressed the part for 12 yrs of hs and at home and in sem. but im completely like undercover off the derech i guess u cud say. i did every sin possible. yes that too. EVERYTHING!

at first i was horrified with myself it was like i was numb. this was all coming from a place of unhappiness i couldnt pin point. thank god i had the most inredible therapist in israel. it was hell hard core therapy but my anxiety and depression are so much better

 

im back home now. cant find a job, and for a moth ive been sitting at home doing nothing. im unmotivated and i know doing nothing at home is really bad for me.

my fathers totally broke. has no energy dealing with me. i try communicating, saying i respect everything at  home , ill dress the part, but accept that im gonna have friends that r guys, and outside not where people would know my family, ill wear what i want.

but he cant accept it. he said why should he pay for all my needs thebecause that would be encouraging my life style. but i disagreed, i know im hurting my parents, i know its wrong to him.

 

i dont know how to make things right

[HTH]

Hi, Shira!  It's been a long time, and it seems like too much is going on.  I have a few things to say, and I'll try to break them up.

 

• Do you believe that I love you?  That I missed you?  That I hope things only get better for you?  Well - it's true...
• Your father's Rav is the projection of true yiddishkeit.  The deep heart, the love, the caring, the kindness, the sensitivity, the nobility - these are the natural components of a relationship with G-d, His Torah, and His mitzvos.  You have been given an amazing role model!  The impressions you have gotten from other mechanichim / mechanchos are  not representative of what Torah is all about.  Latch on to the positive, isn't it so beautiful?
• Nevertheless, you've been wronged, and are suffering worse pain than I can imagine.  Take that pain and transform it into energy that will change your world!  Stand up and defy all those who hurt you so terribly.  In spite of what they did, grab hold on to Hashem, His Torah, and His mitzvos - as represented by your father's Rav - and show them up!  Don't give up!  But even more - take the pain and transform it into a drive to overcome all odds.  Rabbi Wallerstein talks about not giving up in the face of pain.  He says that you need to use your pain to help others in similar situations overcome their hurt.  Everything Rabbi Wallerstein built derives from the pain he went through as a kid, not just in spite of it.  Take your pain, and use it to change the world.  If the system failed you, if the system needs fixing - do what you can to fix it.  The pain can fuel your drive to change the world, and, and give you the insight to help those who are going through the same experiences.
• You need to be in touch with the right Rav / mechaneches here in the States, you need to spend your days productively, and I only wish I could do more.  It hurts me that I need to hide behind an anonymous chat board when you so deperately need help.  Regardless, Ohr Naava may be a good place for you; perhaps you could meet with Rabbi Wallerstein, or someone else over there.  If you want a different referral, maybe I can try to find someone if you give me your general location (like "Brooklyn" or "Queens", etc).

I love you, my heart is broken, but I really believe that you can overcome this...