hey guys long time no speak... wow, so much has happened.... since my insane summer, my boyfriend who is now officially the biggest jerk ive ever met.... he took advantage of me, and i hated it when he would get intimate with me when i asked him to stop...
anyways, im going to israel next year for sem! i cant beleive it because i was so anti the idea, but i hope i dont screw this up for myself. my parents are terrified im gonna o.d. again, honesly, ive become afraid of myself.
im so scared that im gonna be so fed up with having my parents dictate what i should look like, they make me feel so guilty and ive disapointed htem in so many ways that im afraid that i'll play the card of , im never gonna be able to meet their expectation, so why bother- kind-of-attitude.... so im afraid ill mess things up for myself... ben yehuda... you know
also another issue, i speak to stragers on the internet... another creepy thing, last summer when i was in israel on the bus, i started talking to some 30 year old guy who told me how hes becoming religious because he was in a huge car accident and was in a coma for 2 yrs, after that he said how it was so clear to him that there was a god, that he came from russia to israel to learn more abt judaism, i was so impresed and he asked me for my email, so i could help him improve on his english... i gave it to him. i havent heard from him for almost 8 months until a couple of weeks ago i saw an email from hims, saying how he remebers me and thinks of me... we have interesting conversations, its not like hes a perv, or manipulative, but some questions he asks me, are a little strange sometimes....
anyways i know ...im selfdestructive, my parents' motto, comes back to haunt me ever since i was a young kid that i feel like it became a self fulfilling prophecy.." you are your own worst enemy."
that line makes me shiver with rememberance of bad experiences. im still not past the horrors of being molested, the suicide attempts the nurses in the hospital asking tactless questions, like why do you want to die? why would u be stupid enough to ask that u idiot?
anyways, i missed this site, idk why but i wasnt able to access it for a while... whoever you guys are.... this is probably saving my life. so thanks