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didn't have relationship skills b4 and messed up..now what?

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#1 sandythedog



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Posted 22 November 2011 - 01:44 AM

So I posted this question after my poem in the poetry section ('afraid to start a new' or something) and afterwards I posted a ramble of questions...I feel it would get noticed here more,so I'm pasting them here. While I'm not as absorbed in what I'm pasting below as I had been b4, I still feel they are great questions and I'd like some divrei chizuk (words of encouragement). Thanks in advance and good luck to anyone who's been through a special relationship, where (real, not teenage) love was involved and in the end, it didn't work out the way you wished. Hashem has His plan for everyone, don't worry :)

so here goes:
How do I know I'll be able to start off on the right foot? how do you know i'll be able to do well? How do you know I won't mess up again and end up, well, being upset again?? I know, when doens't know.....and we need to have emunah etc....but I want to feel a new. I want to feel loved....it's not that I'm not loved, but like, how many of us feel that way? I loved that person, and he loved me. It's not easy getting past it and while a lot of it Hashem helped with and arranged things JUST SO, I feel like, things still bother me a little...sometimes...and like, if I just dnt talk about it, I'll have emunah.
'see, it doens't upset me. I'm fine. I'm not even expressing it...' well, yeah, u are, just in a different way. What's the difference it I express in words or via facial expressions of frustration? one gets it out while the other, it might just fester inside. Look, I'm a rational person, but I fell in love. He had great qualities. Great, amazing things. And I loved him. And it's time to just say 'he's not here,' and I havn't really done that yet. I deleted his number (first thing I do after a breakup-breaks contact etc) and began to move the stuff he gave me out of site. But I still miss him...sometimes at least. I loved him. Does that count? Does that matter? LIke, am I supposed to be superhuman? I am supposed to not feel? I wanted to marry him. I, in the end, said no. He wasn't for me (and...no matter how much I loved him) never would be. Why do I feel like I have to be perfect?? Like, I'm not supposed to love, or like, I'm supposed to be...immune to it. I have a close family b"H/c"H but like, things still hurt.....why couldn't he be mine? I know, he wasn't for me and there will be another out there...etc...
-but then like, I feel that I SHOULD have the btachon or whatever to just accept.....guilt...

I just miss the good times, the togetherness, the hope...the life...the future...guess i'm living in what COULD have been, not what was.

#2 surviver2



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Posted 03 December 2011 - 02:45 PM

someone told me somthing very smart
when you share a part of you with someone(very deeply) they have a part of you in them therefore you will never forget them (thats why rabonim warn against having boy freinds) if he wouldnt effect you , you wouldnt be normal so at least you know you are normal

#3 miamigirl



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Posted 05 December 2011 - 08:57 PM

To add on to what surviver2 said, relationships are real. There is a real connection even though he might not be the right one. Rabbi Orlofsky has a really great shiur called "platonic relationships" where he goes into more detail. You can find it on torahanytime.com

#4 shifpifer1



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Posted 23 December 2011 - 12:28 PM

Just curious, how long was this relationship and how long have you guys been apart? It sounds fairly recent considering how much pain you are in. I think you have to realize what people above said is true, that you are a normal and healthy human being who got hurt. Also I don't know but you have to be honest with yourself about it not being teenage love. If you knew he wasn't the right one for you and never will be, then why were you with him in the first place? You don't have to give me details, I'm trying to make a point. You choice to get yourself into this situation with all the romance and hopes that ended up shattering, and I believe it is possible to unwind yourself out of these negative feelings and feel a balance. You have to be willing to create that balance though, and realize that whenever a piece of you and him comes into your mind of the both of you are together, you have to think, "I chose to leave him because I believe in creating a better future for myself. I might not be ready to be with someone else now, but I know that Hashem has my shidduch out there at the proper time." Cry out to Hashem, for he is your Father, And say, "tatty I am in so much pain over the loss of this boy, help me get through this" He will hold your hand as you go through this pain and help you become reborn through the mistakes of your past. You will cry today, but tomorrow they will dry and your destiny awaits you, for life continues.

#5 sandythedog



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Posted 06 January 2012 - 03:42 AM

To quote Survivor2:
someone told me somthing very smart
when you share a part of you with someone(very deeply) they have a part of you in them therefore you will never forget them (thats why rabonim warn against having boy freinds) if he wouldnt effect you , you wouldnt be normal so at least you know you are normal

THANK YOU :) It really made me smile lol. At least I'm normal :P

And to Miami Girl for her shiur suggestion :)

To try to answer shifpifer1:
We dated for a little over half a year and it was still hard getting past it..even though by now we've been broken up for about a year and a half. I'm a work in progress....we dated because we really clicked on the first date and for the most part, he was good for me on paper (on the shiduch resume) but as I got to know him, there were certain things that didn't mesh with us-great boy just we couldn't work in the long run. He really helped me get to where I needed to be and I helped with his growth..but that's all in the past now. I was dating for tachlus but I get a little...stranded along the way. I started dating him when all I needed was a break and he made me happy when I wasn't at that point. It was a comfort and he helped me in other ways too. We were shomer negiyah, for the record, but when you spend a lot of time with someone, it really connects the two of you, or it can (note to those who read this-you CAN and SHOULD take a break from dating if you can't handle it at that point, either bc of a recent breakup, or something in your life like something in your family...best thing to do is take a break...book: Shiduch Secrets, has something about it).

I thank Shifpifer1 for what she said here too, as I hadn't really realized I got sidetracked...I was dating for tachlus but he did a lot for me at a time when I just needed a friend...it wasn't my intention to get sidetracked...but that's what happened...

With dating, for the most part, go with your gut-NOT with your heart. If something FEELS off, there's probably a reason...

I'm okay now, i'm less attached and 'I'm living the life.' I'm a person without him and I was a person (in a sense) with him. I've gotten more of a backbone and I can stand up for myself more...it does make it easier to say when something isn't working for me...I let go.............just let the wind take me............that's what I'm doing with all these dots.....letting.......it.....go. Life's a process, but I'm good :) Thank G-d :)

Be well everyone!

#6 Punims



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Posted 10 January 2012 - 01:04 AM

From personal experience I can tell you - as attached to him as you are - as soon as you get another guy in your head, and can't get him out because you're involved too much, and start thinking about another person often -- thinking about your past guy will slowly fade. It seems like it never will, but I promise you it will - and you will fall in love again, completely. This past love will not hold you back in any way.