Say someone was molested by two different people at different points in life, and also sexually abused by their parents, wouldn't it seem that something is wrong with them? I mean, it's not like I've walked around with an advertisement...why did this happen to me so many times??????
Whats wrong with me??
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, Nov 23 2011 10:59 PM
51 replies to this topic
#2
taon
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Posted 27 November 2011 - 11:30 PM
I have no idea why that would happen to someone even once, but it's not because of you. Abusers tend to go after vulnerable people, including those who have been victimized before. I've heard that abuse can also make it harder to tell when a situation is or isn't dangerous. It's not just you. You surely dont blame other victims for being molested, what makes you a worse person? Know that feeling this way is common, normal, and you can get past it. You aren't inviting these people in. It's them.
#4
kooky
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Posted 30 November 2011 - 01:16 AM
It is hard to believe that something isn't wrong with you because you feel so violated by what was done TO you. But I will reiterate clearly that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. People who are molested or raped are referred to as survivors, because they have lived through a crime that was perpetrated AGAINST them. No matter who you are, or what the context, if you did not consent than the fault lies with the abuser alone. Have you spoken to anyone about what happened to you? How you feel and how your life has changed because of it? Do you have support?
#5
kooky
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Posted 30 November 2011 - 01:48 AM
There are many different emotional reactions to sexual abuse but what you described is guilt and is a reaction many have, especially those who are sexually abused as children (which being abused by a parent would be considered child sexual abuse as in relation to your parent you are always their child, even if you are chronologically an adult.) I'm not sure why you blame yourself, or if someone (perhaps the abuser) ever told you that it was your fault. Regardless of why you feel this guilt, "nothing you did caused the abuse and nothing within your power could have stopped it. Your world was an unsafe place where the adults who abused you were untrustworthy and out of control, where your well being, and sometimes your very life, was in danger." excerpt from The Courage to Heal
As a child it is natural to let adults take the lead, especially when they are adults you trust - like parents. It is always the responsibility of the adults to protect the children and treat them with respect. "it is absolutely the responsibility of adults not to be sexual with children"
None of this is your fault.
As a child it is natural to let adults take the lead, especially when they are adults you trust - like parents. It is always the responsibility of the adults to protect the children and treat them with respect. "it is absolutely the responsibility of adults not to be sexual with children"
None of this is your fault.
#6
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Posted 01 December 2011 - 10:36 PM
No, I never told anyone. Support? Where? With all my friends who probably don't even realize that these things exist?!? My life has DEFINITELY changed- I've become a very untrusting, scared, person. And I can't sleep or eat, mostly because of recurring memories/ nightmares. HELP!!
#7
kooky
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Posted 06 December 2011 - 01:26 AM
what you are experiencing is trauma. you have been hurt on a very deep level. as strange as this may sound this is "Normal" reaction to what was done to you. I understand what you are feeling in terms of being alone, and your friends may or may not be the best people to support you through this time. I would suggest first and foremost to seek out a therapist in your area. This is the one step forward for yourself. You can live your life - although right now it may feel completly overwhelming. Being molested is completly violating, and thus you are experiencing nightmares, fear and a total sense of vulnerability. Your sense of what was right in the world, the way things "should" be, was violated. By having someone (even if it just starts out as one person right now) that you can trust and can help "hold your hand" through all of what you are feelings is ESSENTIAL. I might also suggest finding a trauma or abuse survivors group. There you can find a sense of support in that you will meet other people who can relate to what you are going through, some who may be able to show you that there is a brighter future ahead.
Also, I want to point out and really applaud you that although you say "you have never told anyone," you indeed have. You have taken a gigantic leap in sharing even the fact that you have been hurt this way here.. and here you are not alone.
Also, I want to point out and really applaud you that although you say "you have never told anyone," you indeed have. You have taken a gigantic leap in sharing even the fact that you have been hurt this way here.. and here you are not alone.
#8
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Posted 06 December 2011 - 04:50 PM
Yeah, I guess you're right. But I don't wanna talk about it with anyone, I don't wanna relive the memories...it's so horrible and disgusting. I guess that's why I wrote it here, cuz it's a lot easier to write and especially when you have no idea who anyone is...ya know what I mean? It would be so amazing if I could actually know someone who's been through the same thing, but in my area it's not exactly something that's discussed...
#9
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Posted 07 December 2011 - 02:08 PM
HELP, there are websites dealing with exactly this with other people who have been through similar things. They have therapists and people to help you work through it. If you want, I can email a moderator the website name so that you can check it out. Let me know 
#10
sandythedog
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Posted 07 December 2011 - 06:45 PM
Hi,
I'm so sorry you've been through so much. If possible, especially if this is STILL ONGOING, move out. I know someone who was around 18 and was still getting abused (and she had been previously sexually abused but I don't know if that was still ongoing at 18). She moved elsewhere, possibly into a home of sorts for teens in need of help/support. She was in a woman's house with others as well. I don't know everything about it but I guess you get the idea. If you're more comfortable with someone not knowing that it's you that they are talking to, some therapists do phone sessions. You'd still need to pay but they don't have to see their face (IF they would ever see you on the street or whatever, they really wouldn't know it's you...) Keep in mind, that therapists are professionals. As one Rabbi/counselor told me, 'we're trained to keep things confidencial.' NOTHING leaves their office, except in the case of immediate danger (planning suicide attempt or something of that nature). If you are under 18, I dont know all legalities, such as how this knowledge would affect your parent's ability for you to stay at home (which isn't totally a bad thing...especially if other children in the house are in harms way chas v'shalom) but either way, SEEK help. I was picked on as a kid by kids my age...left out, picked on etc...I thought I was ugly. It's such a strange thing that bullying can cause one to think of themself as something that wasn't even stated. No one said I was ugly, but that's how I felt. Eventually, that mostly went away. Yes, time heals wounds but SOMETHING needs to push for it to heal. You can't expect a deep cut to heal properly by itself. you wash it, you bandaid it, you might even get stiches (which yes, can make it hurt-think 'reliving' in therapy-but in the end it's much better and can heal without scars for the most part). For something unrelated, I went to short term therapy. It was hard for me to go (bc of family views on the matter, or fear there of) but i went-and I woudln't have been who i am if not for it. I'm stronger, better, more adjusted, not depleted and loved, instead of feeling that everyone expects things of me etc. Trust me, find someone, find a group, an individual,phone conference (though face to face probably better) and do yourself the favor and go. If it would help, start by reading some books, like memiors or whatever, of other people's similar experiences. While you can't control what was done to you, you can choose to move forward (when you're ready) or stay where you are. Even if you're not ready, too much stuff to work through, that's fine. just start. One little step. One book to read. One phone call to make. One session to keep....As the victim, you have the ability to become a survivor. You can do it. Why? Because change starts with one little step. It didn't start with a big invention...uh, uh. It started with a moment like this 'wow, birds use its tail wing to direct...I wonder...maybe an airplane could do the same.' It's one little thought. You're little thought, that 'I don't wish to live like this' is also a beginning. Follow it. Don't be afraid. Trust in Hashem and He will let you hold onto Him. He gave you abilities. He gave you the strength to write here. You can do it. I believe in you. Hashem believes you have abilities and a purpose-He woke you this morning, right?
be well and stay strong-and if you need to cry, that's why Hashem invented tears
I'm so sorry you've been through so much. If possible, especially if this is STILL ONGOING, move out. I know someone who was around 18 and was still getting abused (and she had been previously sexually abused but I don't know if that was still ongoing at 18). She moved elsewhere, possibly into a home of sorts for teens in need of help/support. She was in a woman's house with others as well. I don't know everything about it but I guess you get the idea. If you're more comfortable with someone not knowing that it's you that they are talking to, some therapists do phone sessions. You'd still need to pay but they don't have to see their face (IF they would ever see you on the street or whatever, they really wouldn't know it's you...) Keep in mind, that therapists are professionals. As one Rabbi/counselor told me, 'we're trained to keep things confidencial.' NOTHING leaves their office, except in the case of immediate danger (planning suicide attempt or something of that nature). If you are under 18, I dont know all legalities, such as how this knowledge would affect your parent's ability for you to stay at home (which isn't totally a bad thing...especially if other children in the house are in harms way chas v'shalom) but either way, SEEK help. I was picked on as a kid by kids my age...left out, picked on etc...I thought I was ugly. It's such a strange thing that bullying can cause one to think of themself as something that wasn't even stated. No one said I was ugly, but that's how I felt. Eventually, that mostly went away. Yes, time heals wounds but SOMETHING needs to push for it to heal. You can't expect a deep cut to heal properly by itself. you wash it, you bandaid it, you might even get stiches (which yes, can make it hurt-think 'reliving' in therapy-but in the end it's much better and can heal without scars for the most part). For something unrelated, I went to short term therapy. It was hard for me to go (bc of family views on the matter, or fear there of) but i went-and I woudln't have been who i am if not for it. I'm stronger, better, more adjusted, not depleted and loved, instead of feeling that everyone expects things of me etc. Trust me, find someone, find a group, an individual,phone conference (though face to face probably better) and do yourself the favor and go. If it would help, start by reading some books, like memiors or whatever, of other people's similar experiences. While you can't control what was done to you, you can choose to move forward (when you're ready) or stay where you are. Even if you're not ready, too much stuff to work through, that's fine. just start. One little step. One book to read. One phone call to make. One session to keep....As the victim, you have the ability to become a survivor. You can do it. Why? Because change starts with one little step. It didn't start with a big invention...uh, uh. It started with a moment like this 'wow, birds use its tail wing to direct...I wonder...maybe an airplane could do the same.' It's one little thought. You're little thought, that 'I don't wish to live like this' is also a beginning. Follow it. Don't be afraid. Trust in Hashem and He will let you hold onto Him. He gave you abilities. He gave you the strength to write here. You can do it. I believe in you. Hashem believes you have abilities and a purpose-He woke you this morning, right?
be well and stay strong-and if you need to cry, that's why Hashem invented tears
#11
kooky
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Posted 08 December 2011 - 10:27 AM
HELP? -
I understand that you do not want to relive the trauma by talking about what happened to you.. it is extremly painful and perhaps terrifying to do so. But the thing is the longer you don't talk about, or get it outside of yourself, the more it will have control over you. Healing is a process.. Like when you have a painful cut that is well bandaged, who wants to rip off that bandaid knowing that it will hurt as the tape seperates from your skin? It is scary to talk about or deal with.. but that is part of the healing. You may find that you gain strength as you don't hold the burden all alone but have some support..
(I will write more to you about this later...)
As for finding support from others who have gone through similar situations, I understand that it is not something spoken about commonly esp in certain communities.. however, there are therapy groups for people to find support in this way. Both from each other and with the therapist. I will get more information to you soon G-d willing.
I understand that you do not want to relive the trauma by talking about what happened to you.. it is extremly painful and perhaps terrifying to do so. But the thing is the longer you don't talk about, or get it outside of yourself, the more it will have control over you. Healing is a process.. Like when you have a painful cut that is well bandaged, who wants to rip off that bandaid knowing that it will hurt as the tape seperates from your skin? It is scary to talk about or deal with.. but that is part of the healing. You may find that you gain strength as you don't hold the burden all alone but have some support..
(I will write more to you about this later...)
As for finding support from others who have gone through similar situations, I understand that it is not something spoken about commonly esp in certain communities.. however, there are therapy groups for people to find support in this way. Both from each other and with the therapist. I will get more information to you soon G-d willing.
#14
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Posted 11 December 2011 - 11:42 PM
Sandythedog- thanks! you gave me a lot to think about...I am kinda scared to open my mouth to anyone cuz i am sorta suicidal lately...and i dont wanna get in trouble. I wanna just be dead and thats all. i dont need any more messes and complications in my life. So hopefully soon I could just die and then it'll all be over.
#16
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Posted 14 December 2011 - 08:13 PM
I've been through hell. Every day, every second of my life has been a terror. I've experienced things that people shouldn't even have to know about. It's never ending, it's like this sick game and I'm tired of playing it. There is nothing left for me to do. I'm just gonna end all of this nonsense. It's too much, I'm not strong enough anymore. My plan is pretty much complete so the day is coming soon. Shalom ya'll.
#17
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Posted 14 December 2011 - 10:42 PM
even though it might not feel like it, people really do care about you. and if you die then what would happen to your future kids and husband? also i dont think Hashem wants people to want to die because he gives ppl life and he probably wouldnt make it end until it was the right time and its NOT the right time for you because your not old or sick
i know that you went through a whole lot of terrible awful things that happened because there are bad people in the world! and your not one of those bad people so you have to TRY to live life. and its understandable if you dont really know how to do that so...
this might help you-->
1- what helps me is thinking of the future, like think about the adorable babies you might one day have!
2- do you have any future goals? if not u shud make some (like think of career, spiritual, physical, etc goals)
3- also, this might sound like lame advice but if you ever feel like you have no one to talk to then you should go somewhere (like in your closet if theres nowhere!) and just talk to Hashem about it ALL and even though he doesnt really give you advice back i noticed that if you look there are signs that he heard
4- this might sound silly too but it helps...write it all down and if u dont feel like you should leave a paper like that laying around then tear it up and flush it down one of those toilets that whooshes so that it doesnt overflow
anyways i dont think you should keep it bottled up inside. i know ppl have been using bandaid examples BUT i think we are all like cans of coke. your keeping it bottled up and people experience many things which makes all the feelings in the can shake and shake until all of it become fizzy and then if you keep it inside you might explode. thats why i gave u the advice #3 and 4
i know that you went through a whole lot of terrible awful things that happened because there are bad people in the world! and your not one of those bad people so you have to TRY to live life. and its understandable if you dont really know how to do that so...
this might help you-->
1- what helps me is thinking of the future, like think about the adorable babies you might one day have!
2- do you have any future goals? if not u shud make some (like think of career, spiritual, physical, etc goals)
3- also, this might sound like lame advice but if you ever feel like you have no one to talk to then you should go somewhere (like in your closet if theres nowhere!) and just talk to Hashem about it ALL and even though he doesnt really give you advice back i noticed that if you look there are signs that he heard
4- this might sound silly too but it helps...write it all down and if u dont feel like you should leave a paper like that laying around then tear it up and flush it down one of those toilets that whooshes so that it doesnt overflow
anyways i dont think you should keep it bottled up inside. i know ppl have been using bandaid examples BUT i think we are all like cans of coke. your keeping it bottled up and people experience many things which makes all the feelings in the can shake and shake until all of it become fizzy and then if you keep it inside you might explode. thats why i gave u the advice #3 and 4
#18
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Posted 17 December 2011 - 09:24 PM
613- i dont want to get married and so i guess i cant have kids if i dont get married and also, i am sick!! ive been sick for 2 years, very sick, life threatening. ive spent most of the past 2 1/2 years of my life in the hospital and in the infusion center. so maybe its a sign from g-d that i am supposed to die...i dont know why He doesnt just do it already!!!
#19
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Posted 19 December 2011 - 05:40 PM
i dont want to get married and so i guess i cant have kids if i dont get married
why dont you want to get married?
and also, i am sick!!
refuah shlema!
ive been sick for 2 years, very sick, life threatening. ive spent most of the past 2 1/2 years of my life in the hospital and in the infusion center.
to me it sounds like you are a lot braver then you give yourself credit for!! youve been through more tough things than most people get in their entire life times!!
i really wish i could meet you because i can already tell that id love to be friends with you...
ive never met anyone (in real life) who is so sick and so brave and so strong too.
and btw, i say that you are brave because from your posts you obviously DONT want to think negatively which is a hugeee thing!!! (much bigger then you think!)
i say that you are strong because youve survived this far and i know that you will survive even longer (iy"h)
so maybe its a sign from g-d that i am supposed to die...i dont know why He doesnt just do it already!!!
what if Hashem gave you a sickness so that you could live and grow through it?
why dont you want to get married?
and also, i am sick!!
refuah shlema!
ive been sick for 2 years, very sick, life threatening. ive spent most of the past 2 1/2 years of my life in the hospital and in the infusion center.
to me it sounds like you are a lot braver then you give yourself credit for!! youve been through more tough things than most people get in their entire life times!!
i really wish i could meet you because i can already tell that id love to be friends with you...
ive never met anyone (in real life) who is so sick and so brave and so strong too.
and btw, i say that you are brave because from your posts you obviously DONT want to think negatively which is a hugeee thing!!! (much bigger then you think!)
i say that you are strong because youve survived this far and i know that you will survive even longer (iy"h)
so maybe its a sign from g-d that i am supposed to die...i dont know why He doesnt just do it already!!!
what if Hashem gave you a sickness so that you could live and grow through it?
#20
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Posted 20 December 2011 - 11:27 PM
613- i dont want to get married cuz all the experiences ive had with men is jerky pathetic selfish perverted people and the only experience ive seen with marriage is HORRIBLE my parents are divorced, mom recently remarried and BOTH marriages are like hell. maybe one day i'll change my mind...but ive been abused so much as a child, i dont want to be abused as a wife also and theres no guarantees. i seriously have been through hell, every day, every second of my life. every sort of horrible thing that you can think of, trust me, i have experienced in some way. totally serious. i dont want to think negatively, i really am a really positive sorta person, but the past few weeks, like the past month, ive become so depressed because i just cant handle it anymore. its enough. and maybe He did, but i think i've lived through and grown through enough, and i on top of everything, ive just been diagnosed with a really horrible illness, again, and i think i just cant do this anymore. its so hard to be in pain, and to have to go through it all alone, getting myself to appointments, staying with myself in the hospital, over holidays...its just really hard, and then when im home, i have to deal with the mamash hell that goes on here. its pathetic.
