Whats wrong with me??
Posted 23 November 2011 - 10:59 PM
Posted 27 November 2011 - 11:30 PM
Posted 30 November 2011 - 01:16 AM
Posted 30 November 2011 - 01:48 AM
As a child it is natural to let adults take the lead, especially when they are adults you trust - like parents. It is always the responsibility of the adults to protect the children and treat them with respect. "it is absolutely the responsibility of adults not to be sexual with children"
None of this is your fault.
Posted 01 December 2011 - 10:36 PM
Posted 06 December 2011 - 01:26 AM
Also, I want to point out and really applaud you that although you say "you have never told anyone," you indeed have. You have taken a gigantic leap in sharing even the fact that you have been hurt this way here.. and here you are not alone.
Posted 06 December 2011 - 04:50 PM
Posted 07 December 2011 - 02:08 PM
Posted 07 December 2011 - 06:45 PM
I'm so sorry you've been through so much. If possible, especially if this is STILL ONGOING, move out. I know someone who was around 18 and was still getting abused (and she had been previously sexually abused but I don't know if that was still ongoing at 18). She moved elsewhere, possibly into a home of sorts for teens in need of help/support. She was in a woman's house with others as well. I don't know everything about it but I guess you get the idea. If you're more comfortable with someone not knowing that it's you that they are talking to, some therapists do phone sessions. You'd still need to pay but they don't have to see their face (IF they would ever see you on the street or whatever, they really wouldn't know it's you...) Keep in mind, that therapists are professionals. As one Rabbi/counselor told me, 'we're trained to keep things confidencial.' NOTHING leaves their office, except in the case of immediate danger (planning suicide attempt or something of that nature). If you are under 18, I dont know all legalities, such as how this knowledge would affect your parent's ability for you to stay at home (which isn't totally a bad thing...especially if other children in the house are in harms way chas v'shalom) but either way, SEEK help. I was picked on as a kid by kids my age...left out, picked on etc...I thought I was ugly. It's such a strange thing that bullying can cause one to think of themself as something that wasn't even stated. No one said I was ugly, but that's how I felt. Eventually, that mostly went away. Yes, time heals wounds but SOMETHING needs to push for it to heal. You can't expect a deep cut to heal properly by itself. you wash it, you bandaid it, you might even get stiches (which yes, can make it hurt-think 'reliving' in therapy-but in the end it's much better and can heal without scars for the most part). For something unrelated, I went to short term therapy. It was hard for me to go (bc of family views on the matter, or fear there of) but i went-and I woudln't have been who i am if not for it. I'm stronger, better, more adjusted, not depleted and loved, instead of feeling that everyone expects things of me etc. Trust me, find someone, find a group, an individual,phone conference (though face to face probably better) and do yourself the favor and go. If it would help, start by reading some books, like memiors or whatever, of other people's similar experiences. While you can't control what was done to you, you can choose to move forward (when you're ready) or stay where you are. Even if you're not ready, too much stuff to work through, that's fine. just start. One little step. One book to read. One phone call to make. One session to keep....As the victim, you have the ability to become a survivor. You can do it. Why? Because change starts with one little step. It didn't start with a big invention...uh, uh. It started with a moment like this 'wow, birds use its tail wing to direct...I wonder...maybe an airplane could do the same.' It's one little thought. You're little thought, that 'I don't wish to live like this' is also a beginning. Follow it. Don't be afraid. Trust in Hashem and He will let you hold onto Him. He gave you abilities. He gave you the strength to write here. You can do it. I believe in you. Hashem believes you have abilities and a purpose-He woke you this morning, right?
be well and stay strong-and if you need to cry, that's why Hashem invented tears
Posted 08 December 2011 - 10:27 AM
I understand that you do not want to relive the trauma by talking about what happened to you.. it is extremly painful and perhaps terrifying to do so. But the thing is the longer you don't talk about, or get it outside of yourself, the more it will have control over you. Healing is a process.. Like when you have a painful cut that is well bandaged, who wants to rip off that bandaid knowing that it will hurt as the tape seperates from your skin? It is scary to talk about or deal with.. but that is part of the healing. You may find that you gain strength as you don't hold the burden all alone but have some support..
(I will write more to you about this later...)
As for finding support from others who have gone through similar situations, I understand that it is not something spoken about commonly esp in certain communities.. however, there are therapy groups for people to find support in this way. Both from each other and with the therapist. I will get more information to you soon G-d willing.
Posted 11 December 2011 - 11:42 PM
Posted 14 December 2011 - 08:13 PM
Posted 14 December 2011 - 10:42 PM
i know that you went through a whole lot of terrible awful things that happened because there are bad people in the world! and your not one of those bad people so you have to TRY to live life. and its understandable if you dont really know how to do that so...
this might help you-->
1- what helps me is thinking of the future, like think about the adorable babies you might one day have!
2- do you have any future goals? if not u shud make some (like think of career, spiritual, physical, etc goals)
3- also, this might sound like lame advice but if you ever feel like you have no one to talk to then you should go somewhere (like in your closet if theres nowhere!) and just talk to Hashem about it ALL and even though he doesnt really give you advice back i noticed that if you look there are signs that he heard
4- this might sound silly too but it helps...write it all down and if u dont feel like you should leave a paper like that laying around then tear it up and flush it down one of those toilets that whooshes so that it doesnt overflow
anyways i dont think you should keep it bottled up inside. i know ppl have been using bandaid examples BUT i think we are all like cans of coke. your keeping it bottled up and people experience many things which makes all the feelings in the can shake and shake until all of it become fizzy and then if you keep it inside you might explode. thats why i gave u the advice #3 and 4
Posted 17 December 2011 - 09:24 PM
Posted 19 December 2011 - 05:40 PM
why dont you want to get married?
and also, i am sick!!
ive been sick for 2 years, very sick, life threatening. ive spent most of the past 2 1/2 years of my life in the hospital and in the infusion center.
to me it sounds like you are a lot braver then you give yourself credit for!! youve been through more tough things than most people get in their entire life times!!
i really wish i could meet you because i can already tell that id love to be friends with you...
ive never met anyone (in real life) who is so sick and so brave and so strong too.
and btw, i say that you are brave because from your posts you obviously DONT want to think negatively which is a hugeee thing!!! (much bigger then you think!)
i say that you are strong because youve survived this far and i know that you will survive even longer (iy"h)
so maybe its a sign from g-d that i am supposed to die...i dont know why He doesnt just do it already!!!
what if Hashem gave you a sickness so that you could live and grow through it?
Posted 20 December 2011 - 11:27 PM