Dear HELP?
Please allow me to share my experience with you. You must've gone through much harder things - I know I can't be a guide - but maybe we have a bit in common.
When I was in university, a male professor tried to lock me up in his office. The exact words he used were simply suggesting a deal that I stay in his room and not return to my room, but the circumstances were threatening. I escaped, but especially the way he said it scared the hell out of me & left a big trauma. I couldn't seek help for 3 years.
I also thought it was me that was wrong, but obviously he was the mad man!
So I can relate a little to your fear, self-doubt and the difficulty of telling the story to ask for support.
I had to change my department in university (found "shelter" in a different but related field where a decent professor was in charge) because I was too scared to stay in the part of the building of my own field or to talk about what happened.
Later I did find people (most of them in different universities) whom I was able to share the story with, and returned to my field in a different university.
Panic attacks and nightmares from bad memories were really tough. Being in a closed room with even an extremely slender female counselor was too scary for me. I never got professional counseling for this, but when I had separate issues I wanted help for, I noticed I couldn't be in a closed room with only one more person!
Boruch Hashem I don't have these problems anymore.
I think it takes a while to really settle, but there are people who can listen and give support. I don't know about professionals, but I found plain individuals who helped by listening.
Maybe it would also be a good influence on your health condition if you find a place to relax and let it out..
When I went out on research trips to other communities of my field, I found myself much healthier than in my "home ground" when I was nearer to the mad man.
You sound like a brilliant person. I admire your will to get out and be independent. You actually inspire me to move on in my life..
There's no reason (seems to me) you shouldn't be blessed with a happy healthy life and gorgeous family.
I had an unborn "sibling". I was the only one born. So it's not the same as your case, but I can imagine just a little what your brother means to you, and I'm quite sure he is proud of you.
Your brother should get lots of Nachas from his neices and nephews, too!
Refuah Sheleimah...
Whats wrong with me??
Started by
HELP?
, Nov 23 2011 10:59 PM
51 replies to this topic
#42
eidel
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Posted 14 March 2012 - 10:35 AM
Sorry if the marriage & kids part was pressuring.. I'm not ready for marriage myself. We all need breathing space before we can go on..
Please just think of how much you mean to your brother, especially if at this point you are the only living immediate family who cares enough to visit his Kever. Your life in this world, your Mitzvos must mean a lot to him.
Please just think of how much you mean to your brother, especially if at this point you are the only living immediate family who cares enough to visit his Kever. Your life in this world, your Mitzvos must mean a lot to him.
#44
eidel
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Posted 16 March 2012 - 02:37 PM
PS
In the university I switched to to return to my field, I met a girl in another field who was sexually abused by her father as a child. She was suffering from an eating disorder, and had been to many counselors but said that nothing helped. If anybody knows of a story in which a professional helped through all the way, it would be helpful to know, for me (as genuine interest & perhaps for my other issues that are not yet solved) and I think for people who are contemplating getting professional help.
By the way I noticed I still have more stories of people I know.. For example my senior colleague in the graduate school I switched to who was traumatized by something like my case, and couldn't work for more than a year and a half! ..Guess because I was from the secular world. Hope this serves as a warning to parents who consider sending their children to colleges/universities. I wouldn't want to send mine without two guards for each child, physical and mental. Seriously.
In my case/cases, I learned two important things.
First, that we are here to help each other. Before the scariest problem, I thought I was capable of overcoming everything alone. The unspoken messages "I love you" and "I'm on your side" that real friends sent me with their honest reactions really healed me.
Second, and this took a long time, I became aware that my tendency to go to extremes to obey people (especially teachers, parents, bosses) was given to me to handle with discernment, ultimately to choose to be totally faithful to Hashem. As they say, Kibud Av ve Aim does not mean you obey parents to go against the Torah. Our devotion to parents/elders, I think, is a form of and training for devotion to the Bashefer. The initial intent, as we grow, becomes pure Avodas Hashem.
In the university I switched to to return to my field, I met a girl in another field who was sexually abused by her father as a child. She was suffering from an eating disorder, and had been to many counselors but said that nothing helped. If anybody knows of a story in which a professional helped through all the way, it would be helpful to know, for me (as genuine interest & perhaps for my other issues that are not yet solved) and I think for people who are contemplating getting professional help.
By the way I noticed I still have more stories of people I know.. For example my senior colleague in the graduate school I switched to who was traumatized by something like my case, and couldn't work for more than a year and a half! ..Guess because I was from the secular world. Hope this serves as a warning to parents who consider sending their children to colleges/universities. I wouldn't want to send mine without two guards for each child, physical and mental. Seriously.
In my case/cases, I learned two important things.
First, that we are here to help each other. Before the scariest problem, I thought I was capable of overcoming everything alone. The unspoken messages "I love you" and "I'm on your side" that real friends sent me with their honest reactions really healed me.
Second, and this took a long time, I became aware that my tendency to go to extremes to obey people (especially teachers, parents, bosses) was given to me to handle with discernment, ultimately to choose to be totally faithful to Hashem. As they say, Kibud Av ve Aim does not mean you obey parents to go against the Torah. Our devotion to parents/elders, I think, is a form of and training for devotion to the Bashefer. The initial intent, as we grow, becomes pure Avodas Hashem.
#46
eidel
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Posted 20 March 2012 - 04:41 PM
If you feel that it can repeat, C''V, I think it's better to try an abuse hotline, not the therapy stuff. They'll help you get away from the dangerous environment, I think. Opening up should be easier once you're in a safe place.
#48
ketoretgirl18
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Posted 18 April 2012 - 05:31 AM
Dear HELP,
Firstly, let me just say to you that you are an AMAZING person.... you have inspired me to no end with your positivity and your outlook on the life you have.
Secondly, i am so happy for you that you have moved out of your unstable home environment, Beezrat Hashem that should help you
But most importantly, i would like (and this may sound a little wierd..!) to bless you. I would like to give you a Beracha that Hashem helps u and guides you for the rest for the rest of your life and that He gives you the ability to cope with whatever comes ur way.
And again, Never forget that you are WONDERFUL and even though i have never met you i am sure you are as beautiful outside as i can see u are inside, and never forget that G-d loves you even though sometimes it may not seem that way.
Good luck
Firstly, let me just say to you that you are an AMAZING person.... you have inspired me to no end with your positivity and your outlook on the life you have.
Secondly, i am so happy for you that you have moved out of your unstable home environment, Beezrat Hashem that should help you
But most importantly, i would like (and this may sound a little wierd..!) to bless you. I would like to give you a Beracha that Hashem helps u and guides you for the rest for the rest of your life and that He gives you the ability to cope with whatever comes ur way.
And again, Never forget that you are WONDERFUL and even though i have never met you i am sure you are as beautiful outside as i can see u are inside, and never forget that G-d loves you even though sometimes it may not seem that way.
Good luck
#49
eidel
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Posted 07 May 2012 - 01:27 PM
Ok everyone...GOOD NEWS!!! I have officially moved out of my house and into a friends house!!! YAAAAAY!!!!! BH BH BH...now i just have to work on getting my siblings out but...one step at a time, right?
How is it going?
I also have good news: I'm out for Shidduchim, having a sit-in Lag B'Omer, BEZ'H.
I thought I would never be taking any of the (by now 20+) suggestions I got. Actually I had more terrible experiences with women than with men, and I wasn't afraid of "men" in general (only the mad man & a few individuals), but was afraid to become what "women" meant to me -- cruel and selfish.
A married friend taught me what marriage is, what happens between husband and wife, and how she sees I am cut out to be a "wife". I realised that becoming a "woman" didn't mean I had to be what I dreaded to be... I also joined a Kehilla I always liked, and felt the urge to continue this big "family" (the Kehilla), which made me positive about marriage, Boruch Hashem.
But I'm facing opposition for this one Shidduch I 'm most interested in, mainly because of the age gap...
Whatever, we'll see what will be.
Yes, I agree "one at a time"!!
I recently talked with someone who was sacrificing a lot to help her daughter get back on the Derech. She was saying, "This is her medicine!" As if she had to put her needs aside, put herself in danger to "save her daughter". I wrote, "Please consult a rabbi on how to protect yourself in this situation! Your Nefesh is not less precious than your children's!" It's easier to say from the outside, I know, but the same goes to all of us: we must first protect ourselves.
True, I have to use my brains to see "what's in this Shidduch for me" and not get carried away by emotions as well.
Alles gits!!
** I also took in a guest in my apt. at first she almost had no place to live so it was going to be at least a month, but came out that she got her own place in which our neighbor used to live in but moved away because of medical reasons. This neighbors family prepaid rent several months so this guest was permitted to stay there. Anyway i enjoyed cleaning & cooking for my guest! I'm sure you've given your host a pleasant Mitzva as well
May ur wishes be fulfilled for the good.
#50
HELP?
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Posted 09 August 2012 - 10:49 AM
Baruch Hashem it's going amazing! I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am for having been given such a huge opportunity. I am so lucky to be living with the most amazing people in the world- in just a few short months I have learned such an incredible amount about life and family and just how it is SUPPOSED to be! I am soo lucky! Of course, I still have lots of drama and excitement going on but Baruch Hashem the future looks bright! One day, hopefully someday sooner rather then later I will truly understand the beauty of life, and of my life specifically. I have been through tremendous amounts of pain and horrors but I do believe that it was all for a reason, although I may not understand it.
