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Jealousy


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#1 flybird

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Posted 27 November 2011 - 07:16 PM

does anyone have any ideas of how to handle jealousy- like how to stop being jealous of people? Thanks so much

#2 Bas-Levi

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Posted 28 November 2011 - 10:11 PM

Jealousy can be a tough struggle. One way to work on it is to strengthen one's own bitachon and to recognize that no one has a perfect life. Everything a person has--looks, personality, family, intelligence, advantages, and difficulties--are uniquely designed for him/her; they are part of what comprises the person's chelek and the tools he has to accomplish his tafkid in the world. That therefore means that anything a person has is designed only for him; one person's gifts won't help another achieve his tafkid, and the former's tzaros and struggles would be totally inappropriate for anyone else.
Now, how do we translate that perspective emotionally?
1) One way is to look anew at the brachos in your own life. Take a look at your life from a slight distance--what do you have that someone else might want? Why would they want it? Start thinking how fortunate you are to have it and how you can maximize it to the fullest. How can you use your tools to aid someone else?
2) I would suggest learning Sha'ar HaBitachon in Chovos HaLevavos.
3) Shift your focus from what other person has: know that he also lacks something, that he also struggles. A teacher of mine explained that everyone is an ani in something and an oshir in something else (not necessarily money). See the person as a fellow Yid, a fellow human being, with his own difficulties. Is there a way you can use your gifts to help him?

Hatzlacha!


#3 surviver2

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Posted 03 December 2011 - 02:48 PM

first step is working on your emunah
sorry for being so blunt

#4 chocolatemilk

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Posted 26 January 2012 - 09:54 PM

Hi i have a question abt this. I also struggle with jealousy. But mostly with my little sister who is 1 1/2 years younger than me. She acts like an older sister always criticizing me and my clothes and eveything. We both get pretty good grades, and have the same parents/money. I know everything about her (she sleeps in my room!!) so i know she doesnt have this major secret struggle (people love to say "that girl who looks perfect, she comes from an abusive home" but i know my sister doesnt!!). But she has WAY more friends (and they are closer too) an outgoing personality, a fashion sense, can cook and clean, and is always has a million older friends to (who r closer to my age than her...) and asked to do things in school, etc. The one thing i can do is sing, but she can dance really well, and can sing pretty decently, while i cant dance AT ALL. And with singing i also get jealous of the other girls who sing because in school when they need songs recorded, i never get asked to sing (i've tried asking, and they say it'll be to big, wtvr) so i'm not even sure abt that talent. But basicly my sister is my younger sister who does all the annoying things of older sisters (i have no older sister, ppl say they r bossy) but she is! And i know the reason i complain about her is cuz im insanely jealous of her and just wanna b her!!

#5 Punims

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Posted 27 January 2012 - 01:10 AM

That's amazing that you were able to admit this! That's a first step and I'm impressed, most people would have totally denied that jealousy is where it all stems from. You need to start trying to figure out who YOU are - first and foremost. You are a great person and completely different than this sister of yours. Do you like to write? Maybe your mission in life is not to be outgoing with lots of friends, maybe you are more of an introvert. You can still make your mark in life HUGELY by being yourself and find your own strengths and talents.
Talents are not always what everyone else can see - that's your sister's life.

Hashem created you - with your very own mission and it is just as great as your sister's. But it's different. It sounds like you wish you were her, right now - but I think you need to sit down with a piece of paper, or a friend, or a parent and rediscover who you yourself are - without trying to live the life that looks perfect for your sister.

#6 Role Model Wannabe

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Posted 18 March 2012 - 11:42 PM

What I believe may help is thinking that you don't know the "full story." Sometimes people get good things to compensate for the tough stuff they have to deal with. Like maybe somebody is the smartest prettiest... girl, but at home she goes through misery. And she's busy thinking how she would love to trade places with you!
Good Luck. I know, jealousy is a hard thing to get rid of. But I think it's amazing how you are aware, and how you admit it. That's not something too many people are able to do! People should be jealous of you just for that!
Good Luck again. :).

#7 shifpifer1

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Posted 22 March 2012 - 05:26 PM

I heard that even though you think you know somebody, you can only know so much about them! Only Hashem knows that which is hidden, and you will never know what its like to be her. Trust me, (its kind of hard to picture) EVERYONE has a sob story to tell and struggles and things they hate. Also, you have to be able to LIVE your own life, and be YOU, not her. Do things you enjoy doing and make a friend or two and invite them over so maybe you feel less lonely (if you are lonely). Also the singing thing, who cares? I love singing! I sing everywhere! I may not have a "recording or play voice" but I sing and don't care! Also, when people are super close in age, they can be REALLY different! so just know its supposed to be that way!

#8 Role Model Wannabe

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Posted 17 April 2012 - 06:20 PM


What I believe may help is thinking that you don't know the "full story." Sometimes people get good things to compensate for the tough stuff they have to deal with. Like maybe somebody is the smartest prettiest... girl, but at home she goes through misery. And she's busy thinking how she would love to trade places with you!
Good Luck. I know, jealousy is a hard thing to get rid of. But I think it's amazing how you are aware, and how you admit it. That's not something too many people are able to do! People should be jealous of you just for that!
Good Luck again. :).





I'm so sorry for giving that response, especially when you explicitly stated in your question that it was not the case. Here's my new response (for what it's worth) - you will never be able to know her, or what she's going through, eventhough you have the fairly similar circumstance.

Maybe what she has isn't enough for her, maybe what she has isn't what she really wants, maybe she wears her confidence, not feels it. I am not trying to figure out your sister, and neither do I think should you, but I am just trying to say that you don't know what she's going through, or even if she feels that she has it better.

And even if she does in a way have it better, you still don't know the rest of the story!

And even if for the rest of the story she has it better, well that's how it was intended to be. Hashem knows what He does. Maybe your whole Tafkid is to help overcome that jealousy, and hers is just to be the Shaliach.

I gave those examples not because it is so, but rather to prove my point. In no way do I, or even you know if they are correct, and I don't believe we should. Just know that there's a reason.

Sorry again for my previous answer.



#9 dotherightthing

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Posted 11 July 2012 - 08:28 AM

hey flybird and evry1. i struggle with jealousy as well but not in the sense that i want to be someone else. i HAVE emunah in Hashem (though obviously I'm working on it tremendously) and i KNOW whatever i am given is for me, to fulfill my tafkid in the world. so my jealousy isn't the all-encompassing, general type.
rather i get jealous IN situations. especially between friend relationships. let me explain. lets say me and my best friend go to a new camp. we are both equally outgoing or watever but i would get jealous if she made more friends than me. i get jealous if two of my best friends are spending a lot of time together without me. i get jealous if any of my friends r closer to each other than me. it so stupid and immature, i know. this really was much more of an issuer wen i was in high school (I'm post high school now )I'm basically over it but i was just wondering:
does it come from the same root as what evry1 was answering flybird with emunah and stuff? bcz it doesn't seem like a lack of emunah so much as a desire to b closer to friends. it seems like it dud stem form an insecurity of not having a lot of friends, my friends not liking me, etc, but i can say first hand that was not the case. i had a lot of friends in high school nd now BH and we all love each other.....?