My father has a tendency to act in ways that are just SO disgusting to me! he will just gobble down a whole bowl-full of food and make loud slurping and chomping noises the whole time. It is so disgusting to me that I feel stressed out whenever I'm around him and I can't even be in the same room as him when he acts like that. (this is particularly difficult to handle when we're at the shabbos table, and I can't just walk away!)
What should i do? I try to tell myself things like "You cant control other people, you can only control yourself." and "just ignore him, focus on yourself." but it doesn't help - it still grates on my nerves.
I wish I didn't feel this way about my father! I tried to tell him not to slurp but he always forgets and doesn't understand that the way he acts is disgusting to me.
Disgusted by the way my father acts
Started by
thinking613
, Dec 18 2011 10:26 AM
13 replies to this topic
#3
much2learn
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Posted 20 December 2011 - 02:06 PM
I know it might sound a little cheesy, but instead of TELLING him to stop slurping, maybe phrase it in a way so that he knows how you're feeling... and he gets just how much his actions are affecting you.
Sometimes people get on the defensive when they're being told what to do... but when they know that their actions are affecting others, it means something different to them.
Sometimes people get on the defensive when they're being told what to do... but when they know that their actions are affecting others, it means something different to them.
#6
danceInTheRain
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Posted 24 January 2012 - 06:37 AM
sometimes in life when you cannot change the other person the smartest thing to do is change YOURSELF. for ex: i am a very orgamized person and was put for a year to dorm with a girl who is the mother of all slobs. her stuff would always be all over. her dirty socks were always on the floor. she would leave random objests on my bed(and she never made hers) she would eat on her bed and leave the dirty dishes on it. she would stuff her stuff onto her shelves and was forever losing things. this enoyed me very very very much. in the beggining i tried to ask her to be a little bit more carefull ect. but nothing helped until i decided the I have to work on MYSELF to eccept that this is who she is. it was very hard and many times i felt like exploding on her and giving her a piece of my mind once and for all. but at the end of the day it was only one year and i had gained soooo much. first of all we are now best of friends and second of all it is amazing to know that you have the ability of coping with situations you are not comfortable with - i think that is the biggest gift ever. life will for sure send such situations your way. may it be now as a teen or later on as a married person. and lucky is the person who can overcome his urges and handle these situations.
good luck- youll need it
good luck- youll need it
#7
ilavHashem
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Posted 24 January 2012 - 07:30 PM
idk if u really want 2 TELL him...i mean imagine sum1 told u tht u disgust them.... i'd probably b defensive, n very hurt! .....also...telling ppl they have faults doesn't really inspire change in them
sayin "dad, ur nasty" = bad idea
sayin "dad, ur nasty" = bad idea
#8
much2learn
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Posted 26 January 2012 - 08:29 PM
idk if u really want 2 TELL him...i mean imagine sum1 told u tht u disgust them.... i'd probably b defensive, n very hurt! .....also...telling ppl they have faults doesn't really inspire change in them
sayin "dad, ur nasty" = bad idea
Well, obv saying it like that would put anyone on the defensive. But there are totally productive ways to offer constructive criticism...
#9
thinking613
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Posted 28 January 2012 - 10:23 PM
but nothing helped until i decided the I have to work on MYSELF to eccept that this is who she is. it was very hard and many times i felt like exploding on her and giving her a piece of my mind once and for all. but at the end of the day it was only one year and i had gained soooo much.
danceInTheRain - thanks for the reply and for the chizuk! I'm so impressed that you were able to work on yourself to be able to deal with your roommate! For my situation, though... I know i have to work on myself to accept it, but how? how do i move from the mindset of exploding to the mindset of accepting? It's especially hard in this situation, because I'm around my father 24/7 and can't escape... i can't really compartmentalize it as one little portion of my life thats hard to deal with - its every DAY!
#10
danceInTheRain
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Posted 02 February 2012 - 04:43 AM
yup, youve got a toughie! but just the fact that you are so eagerly seeking advice shows that you ARE a coping kind of person.
taking baby steps is the way to learn how to walk, start with one hour or one small thing(the smallest of all) that bothers you and defeat that challenge and then move on. dont tell yourself " from now on my fathers actions wont bother me at all"- youll get to no place that way. do it slowly but surely. also when you feel annoyance rising in your head try to pin point exactly what your annoyed at. if your father sits down to eat and starts slurping his soup. dont just say- i am annoyed at his slurping - try to reach the source of your annoyance- i am annoyed because the sound of slurping makes me naseous or i am annoyed because i want my father to have good manners. ect. defining things makes it easier to deal with
you can do it!!!!!!!!!!!
taking baby steps is the way to learn how to walk, start with one hour or one small thing(the smallest of all) that bothers you and defeat that challenge and then move on. dont tell yourself " from now on my fathers actions wont bother me at all"- youll get to no place that way. do it slowly but surely. also when you feel annoyance rising in your head try to pin point exactly what your annoyed at. if your father sits down to eat and starts slurping his soup. dont just say- i am annoyed at his slurping - try to reach the source of your annoyance- i am annoyed because the sound of slurping makes me naseous or i am annoyed because i want my father to have good manners. ect. defining things makes it easier to deal with
you can do it!!!!!!!!!!!
#11
thinking613
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Posted 04 February 2012 - 10:41 PM
start with one hour or one small thing(the smallest of all) that bothers you and defeat that challenge and then move on
but HOW do I "defeat that challenge"? How am I supposed to get rid of the disgust that I feel when he slurps his soup or whatever?
#12
Punims
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Posted 06 February 2012 - 12:46 AM
Try to repeat in your head: This is who he is. Hashem gave me this challenge because he knows I can overcome it. I love him and he is my father and the slurping noise means HE IS HERE alive, healthy and in my life.
G-d forbid if he was sick and was away in the hospital and then came home, you'd be JUMPING and thanking Hashem all the time for the slurping noises.
It's really hard to change a thought process, but really the key is to not hear the slurping as an annoyance, but to somehow switch your thoughts to hearing it and letting it pass over you. I'm speaking from experience and I haven't been able to switch my thought processes yet, but I know that's the key - because the person is not going to change, so we just have to change the noise from annoyance, to a calm, peaceful noise.
G-d forbid if he was sick and was away in the hospital and then came home, you'd be JUMPING and thanking Hashem all the time for the slurping noises.
It's really hard to change a thought process, but really the key is to not hear the slurping as an annoyance, but to somehow switch your thoughts to hearing it and letting it pass over you. I'm speaking from experience and I haven't been able to switch my thought processes yet, but I know that's the key - because the person is not going to change, so we just have to change the noise from annoyance, to a calm, peaceful noise.
#13
thinking613
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Posted 14 February 2012 - 04:43 PM
Try to repeat in your head: This is who he is. Hashem gave me this challenge because he knows I can overcome it. I love him and he is my father and the slurping noise means HE IS HERE alive, healthy and in my life.
G-d forbid if he was sick and was away in the hospital and then came home, you'd be JUMPING and thanking Hashem all the time for the slurping noises.
It's really hard to change a thought process, but really the key is to not hear the slurping as an annoyance, but to somehow switch your thoughts to hearing it and letting it pass over you. I'm speaking from experience and I haven't been able to switch my thought processes yet, but I know that's the key - because the person is not going to change, so we just have to change the noise from annoyance, to a calm, peaceful noise.
I tried it, and it still bother me!! It still sounds disgusting!!
#14
Punims
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Posted 15 February 2012 - 12:57 AM
Yes I know, it does. But is this person going to change??? NO! Is this something you're going to have to live with YES!
My husband likes to say, "if there is a problem with your spouse that cannot be changed, don't think - how can I change my spouse? Or, what can I do to get out of this marriage?" Rather say, "This is the person I married and now I need to figure out how to live with it."
I know I don't have a solution for you, I'm just starting with trying to help you learn to accept it. He's not going to change and he is your father. So first just realize that accepting it is going to be the solution. How, you ask. That'll come next (by someone else smarter than me!)
My husband likes to say, "if there is a problem with your spouse that cannot be changed, don't think - how can I change my spouse? Or, what can I do to get out of this marriage?" Rather say, "This is the person I married and now I need to figure out how to live with it."
I know I don't have a solution for you, I'm just starting with trying to help you learn to accept it. He's not going to change and he is your father. So first just realize that accepting it is going to be the solution. How, you ask. That'll come next (by someone else smarter than me!)
