14 replies to this topic

[freak]

it hurts when you pressure me to eat
it hurts when you tell me its a phase, ill get over it

it hurts when you say you love me
it hurts when you dont

it hurts when you make lunch for me
it hurts when you eat my lunch for me
it hurts when you make me eat lunch

it hurts when you notice
it hurts when you dont

it hurt when i gain weight
it hurts when i lose weight

it hurts when i eat
it hurts when i dont

i hate myself for doing this
but then again, its not me

i hate those who did this to me
but then again, its only my own fault

they say they care
but they dont do a thing
so let them care
it doesnt mean a thing

i often wonder
what does the world see?
a fun-loving girl. great family. sings. always laughing. can eat what she wants without gaining a pound. lots of friends. lucky her- she doesnt care about school. always smiling and singing. smart.

im cute. im fun. but i hate myself.
self revulsion every time i weigh myself. every time i look in the mirror. every time i think about eating.

and they will never know.

sometimes i want to let them know- so that less will be expected of me, and so maybe people will understand.
but its bad enough that i hate myself- i dont need others to.

[Punims]

They won't hate you if they find out. The right person that is.

[HTH]

Why do you hate yourself so much? It hurts me so much that you are having such a difficult time. Is there anyone you can turn to for help? At the very least, please use this forum to ventilate your feelings. We're interested, we care, and we love you as one of Hashem's beloved children.

[jewishthought]

i feel the EXACT same way that you do!!!!!!!! but i dont have anyone to express my feelings to

[Punims]

Express it here, we want to listen.

[superjew94]

your poem expresses the feelings that i have been trying to express all year somehow. i just didn't know how until now thank you

[shifpifer1]

PLEASE GET SOME HELP!!!! there are plenty of wonderful people out there that are trained to help people with these issues! I believe in you, you can learn to love yourself with some guidence!

[superjew94]

it's harder and more complicated to get help than people think especially in the frum world

[shifpifer1]

not hard in my frum world

[superjew94]

not hard in my frum world

what is that supposed to mean?

[eidel]

There are circles which don't make a big fuss when ppl seek help, and there are others where they make you feel like you have to hide everything that doesn't go perfectly smoothly, be it back pain or something hormonal or emotional, financial or whatever..! I live alone (i'm the only frum one in my family) & have been to about 30 shuls, Chassidish, Litvish, Yemenite, mixed, ...before choosing my sect. Met with about 150 families already, having all different Minhogim. Believe me, it can be very different socially, depending on what type of community you are in!

[superjew94]

eidel i get what your saying...is that what you meant shifpifer1because if it is i am so happy that you live in such an accepting frum environment but my problem is getting help in my frum world. the frum world where im scared of when shaddcunim would say about me if i do go to get help. the world where we are encouraged to seem perfect and shove everything under a rug... what am i supposed to do?

[shifpifer1]

i was poking fun at myself that i don't live in "the frum world" i obviously live in a different frum world.. yes eidel described it well

maybe you don't need to go see a professional that is frum or even jewish... or maybe buy some books? maybe get a different shadchan that wont care when you start dating?

[Punims]

Or go out of your little world. There is always the Internet world. Or a small community within driving distance from where you live?

[shifpifer1]

i live in a frum NORMAL jewish community, and i never said the i lived in a "little world" thank you very much. yes i am evovled enough to have discovered the internet too. wow. things can get VERY VERY distorted in the internet world.