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Chesed-am I crazy or is it just the rest of the world?


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#1 tess

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Posted 10 January 2012 - 10:29 PM

I used to consider myself a nice person, happy to help people with carpools, meals, etc....
This year I am feeling like I am bombarded by needy people and I don't know where to draw the line. Am I very lacking in my middos or are they out of line??
Here are a few examples...
One woman- who is comfortable and has the means and ability to drive herself to and from work every day, requests that I drive her EVERY DAY (we work at the same place). She is married, significantly older than me, perhaps lonely . Driving her to and from work means I get no quiet time in the car with just me and my kids. She talks to me non-stop both ways. Enough said.
Another woman in my building is always asking favors of me- to borrow crazy things, take her kid to school, give her rides to places....she was new in town and the first few months I tried to be helpful. Now I just feel like I have to say no to set some limits. Like "I am happy to give your child a ride over the next few days, but I can't commit to this for the rest of the year...."
Another lady asks me to take home her kids every time her carpool can't make it. I just feel like the same few people are always asking of me. I am happy to take people's kids once in a while, but these people in particular are draining me.
Can I tell the woman who insists on riding with me every day that I need alone time with me and my kids or is that "chessed" and do I have a major character flaw?
How is chessed defined? Where do I draw the line? Can I say no to someone even if i am able to do the favor because I am feeling abused?

#2 Moderator #3

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Posted 15 January 2012 - 07:19 PM

This year I am feeling like I am bombarded by needy people and I don't know where to draw the line. Am I very lacking in my middos or are they out of line??

These two are not mutually exclusive. Even unreasonable people, and even crazy people, are also Jewish and helping them is a Chesed. However:


How is chessed defined? Where do I draw the line? Can I say no to someone even if i am able to do the favor because I am feeling abused?

The Maharal writes that we should not do Chesed to people who are not מכיר טוב, who do not appreciate it. Taking for granted that someone is always going to go out of their way for them sounds to me like it probably crosses this line. How can you be grateful to someone and at the same time take it for granted that they do whatever you ask? To me, being grateful means by definition recognizing that - and by that I mean acting like - the other person is going out of their way for me and that they do not owe me anything but are doing it out of their own goodness. If you recognize that, would you really take advantage of them?

So, although I of course cannot judge any specific case without hearing both sides of the story, the rule is, no, you do not have to always be available for people who take advantage of you. In the case you described above, I would start telling them that I am not available "this time." Eventually they will get the message. Do what you can for them when you can, but you do not have to continuously give and give to someone who does not appreciate it.