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#1 rocksdontfly

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Posted 15 January 2012 - 10:30 AM

K here goes. What ab cousins? This yr I became rly close with my cousin. At first everyone started freaking out on us because hes a guy n I'm a girl n no matter how u slice it or dice it were not siblings. Our close family friend just had 2 first cousins marry each other so I get why they were paranoid. But still...we werent rdy to stop. We txd like 24/7. One shabbos we stayed up till 5 talking, n a few wks later when my parents were out we stayed up late again, till my brother walked in on us n kicked him out. So then it was weird but we kept txing. Now, no one knows we talk. I know its not 100% kosher. I rly do. Especially now bc he always compliments me n tells me 'everything ab me is gorgeous' n i have n all these other things. Even though its wrong, I have a rly good excuse :) I know I'm not gana marry him bc there r things ab him that I rly dont like n I dont want the guy I marry to have those. Its kinda harsh but thats how I feel and justify myself. Maybe thats my y'hr. it probably is. also iyH Im going to sem nx yr so we wont b able to talk to often. so now Im just enjoying having a rly good friend n I hope we can always be friends. hes one of the few ppl I feel safe with. but...from ur point of view, (besides how creepy it is to b so close w a cousin of the op gender), wt do u think? am I fooling myself? do u get wt Im saying? even as I was writing this I felt so - strange. ugghh am I crazy??

#2 Punims

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Posted 27 January 2012 - 01:21 AM

Hi, first of all by you saying you're not going to marry him - doesn't justify it at all! When you're ready for it, YOU ARE ALLOWED to talk to a guy, but only if you are thinking of marrying him. By NOT marrying him, you just gave yourself the answer - you are not interested in ever taking the relationship further, so there's no tafkid in your speaking to him.

Even if you have no romantic feelings for him, you have no idea what's going on on his side. He may deny it but he probably does like you. If he's texting you so often and complimenting you, you probably mean a lot to him and he may think very differently than you about this whole relationship.

I understand he's the only one that's there for you and he's a wonderful friend, but Hashem made guys and girls differently. It's impossible to just be friends, even though you both say that on the outside. Do you REALLY just like him as a friend? If you are a healthy female, this shouldn't be the case. It's just how Hashem made us, so that we can help populate the world - we're just attracted to each other. One of the reasons you may be going to him more than your girl friends is because of the attraction, and the excitement that comes with the friendship. Trust me, as a woman I totally get you.

#3 sandythedog

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Posted 27 January 2012 - 02:03 AM

Hi. To add on to what's already been said: I am close with a cousin of mine that is around my age and my family considers family to be just that, family. My family wouldn't think of us marrying a close relative bc of genetic questions (more of the same types of genes can make it more likely to have certain genetic issues). I do talk to this cousin but like, we aren't having the conversations you are. Sure, I'll ask him advice ONCE IN A WHILE or I'll ask him for help on something, but we don't compliment each other the way your cousin is doing here. I may say 'people always said you were smart..' if he helped me, and he might say 'you have a head on your shoulders,' but it's nothing romantic. I don't think that's what is going on here, in ur case. And in my case, non the less, I am still very aware he is a guy. He's one I won't marry cause we don't really match up, even though I respect him, but I am very aware he is a guy. As such, if I am able to notice when he looks 'nice' (fresh shave, clean suit etc) and we aren't having romantic conversations but ones that are friendly but business like if you will. Hence, how much more so where you guys are conversing in a boy-girl manor? For your sake, for his sake, stop now. If need be, state that this is your family's thing (as it might be his too...the not talking to boys, even if cousin) and you see issues with continuing the way you two have. Think of something truthful to say but something that shows him you're serious about it.

I hate to see when people get into little bits of trouble and...then have no clue how to get out (been there probably lol). If need be, start stepping back. There was a boy aquantenence I knew and we needed to get our space and not be involved the way we were (we knew each other from a thing but we were too close and we weren't for each other-something i realized later on thanks to Hashem). So, if he would call, maybe I'd pick up BUT I wouldn't call him. It was a start. In the end, I'd keep the conversations short (bc guys shouldn't be overly chatting with girls-tachlus, like dating or shadchanus is one thing..chatting is another). Eventually, we stopped talking via phone when he had other people to talk to. Start small BUT think big :)

Good luck and you'll do fine!

#4 rocksdontfly

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Posted 27 January 2012 - 11:27 AM

ok so maybe I like him a little bit :/ but every time I start to feel warm n safe I remind myself nothing is going to happen n hes just my friend...
do I have to stop talking to him? honestly I dont rly want to

#5 much2learn

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Posted 29 January 2012 - 06:10 AM

Wow! Punims hit the nail on the head (I think), with this one. Great mature, female perspective, and I'm sure the advice can apply to other female-male relationship questions we might have! Thanks punims!


#6 Punims

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Posted 29 January 2012 - 04:18 PM

Thanks for the compliments:) I'm a bit nervous about this Moderator thing. I used to be on the other end on Frumteens but I'm all grown up now:)

#7 Punims

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Posted 29 January 2012 - 04:20 PM

ok so maybe I like him a little bit :/ but every time I start to feel warm n safe I remind myself nothing is going to happen n hes just my friend...
do I have to stop talking to him? honestly I dont rly want to


I know how hard it is. Reminding yourself that nothing is going to happen though... is not really true. Things can happen - even when you know 100% that they won't. You will feel so proud of yourself when you take the first step towards ending this. It'll hurt for sure - but in the long run - it's really helping to take care of yourself. We're all here for you - us females that is;)

#8 rocksdontfly

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Posted 15 February 2012 - 09:27 PM

how do I end it? the smart part of me really wants to, but the emotional part is telling me not to... what/how do I do this? without hurting either of us too much? :(

#9 Punims

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Posted 20 February 2012 - 12:48 AM

I'd say to first explain your side to him. You can always write a letter, if words come to you better in writing instead of talking. I can't help you too much on how, but I can be here for you after. The hurt really sits there and the main thing to do is Distraction.

You just need to keep busy with things that interest you, that'll help you not dwell on the missing him part. We're always here for you, you can come online and spill all your frustrations out on here.

#10 SmileySimcha123

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Posted 21 February 2012 - 05:08 PM

Wow. I learned a lot just from your answer Punims.

#11 Soulrebel

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 11:36 PM

Yo, fellow female here. More "how to end its", that can work for a letter or a phone call.
1) Clarify who is ending it.
2) Have a specific plan for the following occassions- seeing him at your family gatherings, seeing him in social situations. Negotiate if necessary.
3) REFUSE THE "LETS BE JUST FRIENDS" OFFER. If it's insincere, it usually means nothing. If it's sincere, it usually means that A is still in love with B, and B is still tolerating them out of pity. Once 2 people get involved beyond a certain point, it's all or nothing. This will save you both a lot of time and bad feelings.
4) Since you're splitting for religious reasons, you can explain-briefly- the real reason for the dumping. (Don't expect that they'll feel better now that they know that. In most situations, just leave this step out.)
5) Don't do the "gradual split" thing. It won't help you adapt. There is no such thing as "75% broken up." You're either in a relationship or you're not. Dragging it out is kind of like removing a splinter a smidgen of a bit every day- it hurts more in the long run.

#12 rocksdontfly

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Posted 15 March 2012 - 10:57 AM

He told me he still has feelings for a girl he used to be rly close with. so since he likes her he cant like me at the at the same time right? so its not sucha prob nemore

#13 shifpifer1

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Posted 18 March 2012 - 10:31 AM

Wait, so what did you tell him exactly? and what was the point of him telling you that? also, its not about who he likes or whatever, its about you and the boundaries you need to create. Like the not texting on the phone and stuff like that.

#14 rocksdontfly

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Posted 19 March 2012 - 08:43 PM

Wait, so what did you tell him exactly? and what was the point of him telling you that? also, its not about who he likes or whatever, its about you and the boundaries you need to create. Like the not texting on the phone and stuff like that.

First of all, thats brilliant, so thank u!
we were just talking ab random things so I told him how bad I feel ab this stupid loser guy I used to like 100 yrs ago n he told me ab this girl he used to b rly close with n he still has feelings for.

#15 flybird

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Posted 20 March 2012 - 05:16 PM

sorry to be so blunt, but how do you know that hes not lying just to keep you?
but either way, why cant he like two people at the same time? men used to have more than one wife A LOT of the time

#16 rocksdontfly

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Posted 27 March 2012 - 06:26 PM

Maybe he could like both of us at once...but idk.. & it makes sense for him to still like her bc they were such close friends so I dont think he's lying about that