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Secret relationships- why to avoid them

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#1 Soulrebel



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Posted 29 January 2012 - 11:41 AM

1) If you get caught, your life is over
2) The older party isn't serious about it. Otherwise they'd date someone they could date openly.
3) There's more room to be treated badly, because no one's watching.
4) The strain of things being a secret is bad for relationships.
5) it will eventually get to you to cheerily sing out "I'm going to Friend X's house!" before you go to see your bf/gf
6) it's very hard to juggle the rest of your life to fit to the schedule of your relationship, to create patches of open time that no one else will notice
7) since no one can know about this or see you together, you will go to weird places where no one knows you
8) this will lead you to break the halachos of yichud
9) which will most likely lead you to break shomerness
10) anyone who knows about it will see you as less trustworthy
11) for the older one- if you're a guy, people will think you're a creep, if you're a girl, they'll think you're mentally disturbed
12) for the younger one- if you're a guy, people will think you're kind of devious, if you're a girl people with think that your self esteem is somewhere with the dinosaur bones (really low)
13) no matter how it went down, the older one's life is potentially over
14) by sneaking around, you're going to pick up new skills you'd rather not have picked up
15) secrets put up a wall between you and the people you aren't telling about your relationship
16) it erodes your soul
17) someone is probably using someone
18) if there's something illegal involved, and the younger person's parents find out? Your life REALLY is over!
19) it's probably not The One- when it is the one, you want to do this the right way, with the 2 of you getting together and your parents knowing that you're out with each other
20) you will always be paranoid about being found out
21) It's not what you really want

#2 shifpifer1



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Posted 19 February 2012 - 06:59 PM

Soulrebel- I love you so much! so true, and so full of wisdom! you are the real deal!

#3 OrYekarot



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Posted 28 October 2013 - 11:53 AM

Reason why not to have secret relationships:


If it is secret, there is something wrong.  Because if it was a good relationship, then it wouldn't be secret, because you wouldn't be ashamed.

#4 Morgenstern



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Posted 13 November 2013 - 01:46 AM

The reason to not have secret relationships is because whatever the vaad hatzinus could do to you in this world, trust me, what HaKadosh Baruch Hu has in store is much worse. Thats my take on it atleast that keeps me out of relationships because in my community, there is no vaad.

#5 Soulrebel



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Posted 19 November 2013 - 02:07 AM



I have to disagree with you. I know of more than one person who had a relationship in high school that everyone IMPORTANT knew about (both sets of parents), but that had to be kept a secret to prevent some of the parties involved from getting expelled from their high schools. These people weren't ashamed of the person they were dating, they just didn't want to get expelled. In fact, they went on to prove their lack of shame by marrying the people they dated in high school! One of them even had a kid with him after they got married! Oy, the shock value of marrying someone you love and having a baby with him, I can't take it!!


I was talking about the kind of thing that goes on where no one above the age of 17 has any idea about the secret relationship. The kind of thing that involves a 15 year old girl being "in love" with some 17 year old guy who somehow has a clunker of a car, only sees her between 12 am and 6 am, and never even buys her a slice of pizza because she's worth less to him than the $2.50 the pizza would cost.