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lost in my own head...


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#1 ilavHashem

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Posted 06 February 2012 - 09:28 PM

i feel a wave of sadness
its taking over me
where's that girl with "Simchas Hachayim"?
was it ever really me?

I used to smile at all those i passed
didn't let the sadness overtake
is it normal to have these mood swings
are my emotions a fake?

im tired,
tired of trying so hard
tired of thinking so much
so tired, yet searching, i long for clarity

people say i confuse them
one minute im so deep
fighting for the words of torah to be heaard
other times i seem not to give a BLEEP (lol)

if i put my mind to it
my smile can be widened
bieng positive, i can manipulate the situation
i can broaden the horizons

does it make sence that i'm not in the mood?
to lazy to be happy
don't i want to just be glad
without my morbid thoughts i'd be so free

i want so badly to b loud, fun, amazing
i'm trapping myself by trying to conform
to fit this sad pattern i fall into
its about time i took control

i need to learn there is a door
to happyhappyhappy land
and only one person has the key
they are not letting me open the door

i am that person
i have to allow for happiness burst through
there's a sea of smiles behind that door
i have the key, if only i knew!!!

so next time i want to frown,
too lazy for a smile
i'll remember all He does for me
and ill reach for the brass handle

I'll remember how smiles are contageous
i can change another person's day
chesed in it's truest, is for the them not me,
i want to help, and here's an amazing way

so i'll push myself toward the door
and shove the key in the lock
before i change my mind,
i'll smile, the sad feelings i'll block!

noone said it was easy,
tears bring comfort to the weary,
but do i want to put myself in that category,
or do i rather fill my heart with glee?

so if it's really up2me.......what's stopping me!?!?!?
bring on the waves of happiness
i cant wait t surf upon the tides
if only i realized before how simple it could be!

#2 flybird

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Posted 09 February 2012 - 06:39 PM

this is the story of my life... exactly... :)

#3 jewishthought

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Posted 09 February 2012 - 08:41 PM

wow this is soooooo me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#4 ilavHashem

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Posted 09 February 2012 - 10:35 PM

woah...n here i thought it was just me :)
flybird n jewishthought, hope this helped!

#5 Punims

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Posted 10 February 2012 - 01:20 AM

These feelings are not weird or different at all. They are so, so normal. That's what our job is -- to fight those morbid thoughts all the time. Or atleast not take them out on the people we love.

#6 ilavHashem

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Posted 11 February 2012 - 11:59 PM

tonight the feeling came again
i was in a room full of people
yet felt so alone,
it's a cliche, i know

i tried 2 talk myself out of it
i smiled a bit, added to the conversation
i pretended i wasn't feeling so empty
even tho all i wanted to do was run

i slipped out quietly,
thought i'd walk home and sleep
but as the cold air hit me
emotion filled me, i began to weep

the past few days were hard on me
ghosts of my past threatend
my nisyonos were those i thought i left behind
areas i no longer had to mend

so i cried cus it was hard
cus i realized it doesn't get easier
i opened my heart to Hashem
the path before me became a blur

so i walked and walked
and talked and talked
out loud
outside
every deepest thought
i sang
from my heart
i cried
tears of pain
"Hashem, ur daughter needs you!"
all sense of self consciousness faded
it was just me n my creator
my father
n i felt him hugging me
telling me its gunna b ok

#7 jewishthought

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Posted 13 February 2012 - 05:39 PM

ilav hashem- i almost cryed when i read this poem!!!!

#8 much2learn

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Posted 19 February 2012 - 01:25 PM

You have such a sensitive neshama... beautiful poem. Wow.