5 replies to this topic

[superjew94]

i rly dont get along with my father and i would like some help:
for starters our personalities just completely clash, he also isnt completely 100%- he doesnt rly keep shabbos and Kosher so much anymore, hes a major workaholic and never does anything with my family and travels a lot for work, and then when he is home and paying attention to life around him hes obnoxious and mean. he is majorly verbally abusive to everyone in my house and tries to boss us all around like he knows how our house is run (which he rly does not at all). when i or my mother try to talk to him about this he just shuts down and goes to do more work and not keep torah and mitzvos even more and he just get grumpier and meaner as the years go on. im just fed up to the point where i dont want to have anything to do with him and i even stopped inviting ppl to my house bec im so embarrassed by him. wht should i do?
(sry its so long)

[7-yipol-tzadik-vekam!]

Oish that sounds really rough! I wish I had advice but honestly I have no idea, besides for the fact I would feel hypocritical saying any advice on this topic. I know we are obligated by halacha to see our parents as great amazing people, but what if we don't? how do we get there? what about parents that are just so far removed from that? I dont know the answers.
All I can do is offer you chizuk and say kibbud av vaem is one of the hardest mitzvos in the Torah, and you are not alone in struggling in this area.

[flybird]

Wow I really feel for you. I know a little bit about it- not so much B"H, but my half siblings' mother was abusive, and a few other things which I'm not going into detail about. First of all abuse is abuse. Verbal abuse is as real an abuse as any other type, and can cause A LOT of harm. Heres some abuse hotline numbers- frum:

Shalom Task Force Hotline
888-883-2323 or 718-337-3700
(Collect Calls are Accepted.)

Yitti Leibel Helpline
New York City 1-718-HELP-NOW (435-7669)
Chicago 1-800-HELP-023
Lakewood, NJ 1-908-363-1010
Cleveland, OH 1-888-209-8079

Ohel Child Abuse reporting hotline
718-851-6300 or 1-800-603-OHEL

Ohel Teens in Crisis Hotline (NYC)
Call Mon - Thursday 9am-5pm,
Fri 9am-1pm
917-514-TEEN(8336)
Or 917-851-TEEN(8336)

You arent going to change your father. At the end, its really up to him if he keeps torah and mitzvos and if he'll change. For kibbud av va'em, I dont know what the halacha is, but I dont think it is healthy for you at this point in time to try working on your relationship with your father (by that I mean trying to do things he'd want you to do), because it's very possible it will harm you more.

I think you should love and fear your parents, appreciate that they brought you into the world, etc, but I dont think your kibbud av va'em should go any further than that for your father. I'm not sure though because I dont know the halacha, maybe a moderater can answer?

Always remember, you arent the only one going through this, and you're very strong for Hashem to give you such a huge nisayon. And Hashem is always with you cheering for you! I wish you tonz of hatzlacha.

[surviver2]

flybire halachikly it always applies
i know couse i have a abusive father
super jew you need your own rabbi to call and ask as situation arrises

[Rabbi Shapiro]

flybird - see here.

Superjew - Maybe it would be a good idea to invite people to your house. Maybe your father would at least behave in front of guests? Would he?

[superjew94]

flybird - see here.

Superjew - Maybe it would be a good idea to invite people to your house. Maybe your father would at least behave in front of guests? Would he?

do you mean for like the meals or for my friends to sleep over
if the first we do invite people over and i does help a little if the second im too afraid to invite friends into a home that im scared to be in in the first place. im scared of what they will think of me once they see my disfunctional family