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Self-deceiving friend


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#1 Soulrebel

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Posted 24 February 2012 - 12:30 AM

I don't know exactly where to put this- move it if you'd like...

So, a long time ago in teenaged years, a short time ago in real years, I had an argument with a friend of mine over some stuff I was involved with, of the spiritually dangerous variety.

She was said that although she understood, she'd never get involved with that stuff herself, I told her seriously that the only way to understand was to be in the same situation and that she'd never been there. She said she had been, I proved she hadn't, she said that IF she was ever to be in that situation she'd handle it the right way.

Later on, I dropped that stuff for other reasons.

Now, our positions have been reversed. She is- eerily- in that identical situation. Only there's one crucial difference- we are both older, at an age where this kind of thing matters a LOT more than it did back then.

I'm running out of ideas here. I said what would've stopped me. I told her that she might very possibly be messing up the life plan she had so excitedly laid out not too long ago, that she'd made up herself. I told her that with people her age, that situation always worsens, and I proved it too (it wasn't hard). I explained what will happen and how she will feel, why it isn't worth it.

None of this has done any good yet. We aren't at that age where you have a whole bunch of people on call for this sort of thing because we're supposed to be too OLD for that, but this is shaping up to be one of those crazy teenaged stories that we're supposedly too OLD for and start off like "Well, obviously I wasn't PLANNING on it, but you won't believe what went down..." , and end badly.

Any suggestions for me?

#2 Punims

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Posted 24 February 2012 - 12:43 AM

I find this post a bit too not-detailed enough... we're all anonymous on here, are you able to elaborate a bit more?

#3 Soulrebel

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Posted 27 February 2012 - 04:45 PM

It involves a guy. They kind of don't have the same belief system. She doesn't see how this will definitely end badly for her.

#4 Rabbi Shapiro

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Posted 03 July 2012 - 12:27 PM

I don't know exactly where to put this- move it if you'd like...

So, a long time ago in teenaged years, a short time ago in real years, I had an argument with a friend of mine over some stuff I was involved with, of the spiritually dangerous variety.

She was said that although she understood, she'd never get involved with that stuff herself, I told her seriously that the only way to understand was to be in the same situation and that she'd never been there. She said she had been, I proved she hadn't, she said that IF she was ever to be in that situation she'd handle it the right way.

Later on, I dropped that stuff for other reasons.

Now, our positions have been reversed. She is- eerily- in that identical situation. Only there's one crucial difference- we are both older, at an age where this kind of thing matters a LOT more than it did back then.

I'm running out of ideas here. I said what would've stopped me. I told her that she might very possibly be messing up the life plan she had so excitedly laid out not too long ago, that she'd made up herself. I told her that with people her age, that situation always worsens, and I proved it too (it wasn't hard). I explained what will happen and how she will feel, why it isn't worth it.

None of this has done any good yet. We aren't at that age where you have a whole bunch of people on call for this sort of thing because we're supposed to be too OLD for that, but this is shaping up to be one of those crazy teenaged stories that we're supposedly too OLD for and start off like "Well, obviously I wasn't PLANNING on it, but you won't believe what went down..." , and end badly.

Any suggestions for me?

Yes. Tell her exactly what you've told us here. Explain to her how badly this thing will end. And tell her why you say so. Give her examples where things ended badly in this situation with people you know. Remind her of situations where you have both seen that people involved thought it would not t end badly but it did anyway.

The situation here is simple: 1) This girl is making a bad choice. 2) She's old enough to know it's a bad choice 3) But she is doing it anyway.

You need to get #1 above to be as clear and emphatic to her as possible. She is a Baal Bechirah, this girl, and she is an adult. You can't force her to make the right choices. You can only show her as best you can why her choice is not the right one.

And one more thing: Make sure you're there for her if it ends badly.