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Missing Ones Zivug

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#1 danceInTheRain

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Posted 08 March 2012 - 05:12 AM

i have learned that every person has a zivug assigned to him 40 days before he was born. this means that tecnically everyone should be married. then why are there people who stay single their whole lives. is it because they met there zivug but somehow missed it by saying no wrongly or whatever. if so, how can i know that c"v i won't miss my zivug.
if not what is the reason.
for a long time this topic has been really freeking me out, so i have decided its time to get a clear answer
thanks



#2 Rabbi Shapiro

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Posted 11 March 2012 - 09:02 AM

i have learned that every person has a zivug assigned to him 40 days before he was born. this means that tecnically everyone should be married. then why are there people who stay single their whole lives. is it because they met there zivug but somehow missed it by saying no wrongly or whatever. if so, how can i know that c"v i won't miss my zivug.
if not what is the reason.
for a long time this topic has been really freeking me out, so i have decided its time to get a clear answer
thanks

One's "zivug" is the person that, in the default, they will end up marrying. But

(a) It is only the default. A person has Bechirah to choose who to marry even if it is not their Zivug. Classic example: A Kohen marries a divorced women. Clearly, Hashem would never set up that Kohen with someone who he is prohibited to marry. Through his Bechirah, this Kohen has married someone who is clearly not his Zivug.

(b.) You can change any "shiduch" that they gave you in Shamayim through Tefilah. Seforim tell us that Esav being matched to Leah was not only what "people" were saying but it was a Gezeirah from Shamayim that Leah was destined to marry Esav. She knew this, so she cried and prayed to Hashem not to marry him. Her prayers were answered.

(c.) A person's zivug can change. If a person changes, let's say for the better, then the Zivug designated to them when they were born can change as well.

(d) In order for a person to marry his proper Zivug, he has to be worthy of it. If a person's actions deems him unworthy of his Zivug, he will not get his Zivug (Zohar Vayechi 229a).

(e) If a person is worthy, he can get a Zivug that is better than the one originally intended for him, as in the example of Leah above. The merits of her Tefilah and righteousness caused her Zivug to change from Esav to Yaakov.

(f) The famous Chazal of שמא יקדמנו אחר ברחמי, that someone can sometimes come in and grab someone else's Zivug, is only possible when the person who was supposed to get the Zivug is not worthy of it. In such a case, someone else can come take his Zivug. Otherwise, the Zivug cannot be "stolen." (Zohar Lech Lecha 91b).

As far as making sure we marry our Zivugim, the way this works is, we do our part and Hashem does His. Hashem gave us guidelines regarding what to look for in a spouse. If we pray for a husband that is the best match for us, and we look for the qualities that indicate he will be that, we have done our Hishtadlus and the rest is up to Hashem to make His plan come true. Hashem relies on us to do ours, and the rest of the machinations to get the proper couple together are performed by Him.

But if a person is not looking for an Ezer Kenegdo (or someone for whom to be an Ezer Kenegdo), is not looking for someone who will help him with his life's mission, but rather, for example, someone who has a father-in-law with a big business and nothing more, if he is looking for someone that is not what the Torah says a wife should be (what we call an אשה שאינה הוגנת לו), then it is likely he is not marrying the person that is best for him. And whatever assistance Hashem's machinations provide will have been neutralized by his making bad choices.

What you need to do is make wise, reasonable choices, and pray for the right things. Hashem does the rest.

#3 eidel

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Posted 17 May 2012 - 10:05 PM

Is a ger's zivug assigned to him 40 days before he becomes a ger?

#4 Rabbi Shapiro

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Posted 29 May 2012 - 07:11 PM

Is a ger's zivug assigned to him 40 days before he becomes a ger?

Good question. I don't know of anywhere that this is addressed directly, but Rashi in Sotah (2a) says that the reason Hashem does not specifically match a Tzadik with a Tzadekess and a Rasha with a Rasha-ess is because the Zivug is made before they are born, and Hashem does not take into consideration Free-will choices of a person before he makes them, therefore He does not consider righteousness or wickedness in His pre-birth Shiduch.

That being the case, I would imagine a Ger also does not get a Zivug until after he is "born," since becoming a Ger is also a Free-will choice. Since a Ger chooses to be born, his birth would not be considered by Hashem in making the Shiduch.





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