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#1 flybird

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Posted 01 April 2012 - 06:55 PM

I have a few questions about this
1- Is it better to be bad but pretend to be good on the outside which is hypocritical or is it better to be bad and show it?
2- Is it hypocritical to pretend you're okay when you arent? (As in smiling when you really want to cry)
3- I'm learning mechiras yosef in school so it says how the brothers couldnt act nice to yosef because they were so real and not echad bapeh v'echad balev and thats considered a good thing, so how come with a lot of things in the torah it says you are supposed to act one way so you'll become it (mitoch sheloh lishmah bah lishmah- kind of the same as 2)
4- I dont know if this is really part of it, but lets say you want to be a certain way but you arent sure you can be like that, so you act like that for a while just to try it out to see if you fit in to that way- is that wrong to do because how are you supposed to figure out who you are and what you can become if you dont go out of your comfort zone, but then again if you arent really like that then in a way its hypocritical (sorry its so vauge)

#2 Rabbi Shapiro

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Posted 04 April 2012 - 07:41 PM

1 - If someone did something bad he should not show it. Not showing it means you are not proud of it. We are not supposed to be proud of the bad things we do. Publicly displaying the bad things we do conveys the message we are not in the least bit sorry about it. That makes a Chilul Hashem.

2 - I need a little more details about the smile/cry question. In general, when you're sad it's beneficial to cry. דאגה בלב איש ישיחנה לאחרים.

3 - That's because the brothers believed they had Torah reasons to be upset with Yosef, and that therefore being nice to him would constitute chanifah (false flattery) and be prohibited. They did not want the outside to influence the inside because the inside was not supposed to be happy with Yosef. (In fact, the Chasam Sofer says that Yosef had compliants about the brothers because they spoke too nicely to him. If they really held he was a bad person they should not be so nice to him on the outside!)

4 - It is not wrong to do so. But be careful - a person can get really confused doing that, if he tries that and is "not sure" that it is his "comfort zone." It's not always so simple, if someone wants to change, whether they should first change on the inside or the outside. And also whether to do it now or at a later date.

#3 ilavHashem

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Posted 04 April 2012 - 09:55 PM

"adam nifal kifee p'ulaso" a person ends up becoming the way he acts.........thats y we make young children give tzedaka........smile when your sad....u end up feeling happy.......dress tnius ull end up acting more tznius......

#4 flybird

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 06:22 PM

Thanks so much for answering :)
2- I mean lets say I'm in school and I'm upset about something that happened at home, isnt it better to pretend that I'm okay just during school? but if it is doesnt that mean that I'm being hypocritical?
4- So then how do I know how and when to change?

"adam nifal kifee p'ulaso" a person ends up becoming the way he acts.........thats y we make young children give tzedaka........smile when your sad....u end up feeling happy.......dress tnius ull end up acting more tznius......


but thats what I'm saying- while you're doing that, you're being hypocritical- echad bapeh v'echad balev, and the torah says that thats a bad way to be!

#5 Rabbi Shapiro

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 06:47 PM

אחד בפה ואחד בלב does not mean you look happy if you are really sad. It means you say you will do something that you have no intention of doing. It means you try to trick someone into trusting you when you know you will not come through. It means not to hurt people through lying to them. it does not mean that you are obligated to broadcast to the world your inner feelings.(See Bava Metzia 49a and Rashi.)

2 - You don't have to pretend if you don't want to, but you can pretend if you feel it benefits you. The Torah tells us letting out our sorrow is therapeutic. But that does not mean you have to do it then and there, on the spot. Whatever works best for you, you can do. There is no obligation either way.

4 - עשה לך רב וקנה לך חבר. You need to know yourself, to know how high a step up you can handle at a given time. Sometimes (always?) it's hard to objective about oneself. So we are advised by Chazal to have people - on our level and higher than us - that know us and can give us advice from a more objective perspective.