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I need to learn to take things calmly without being afraid/lost..suggestions?


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#1 sandythedog

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Posted 09 April 2012 - 01:41 AM

I took a break from dating at one point and I have yet to go back fully-emotionally and physically(haven't been on a date since). It's been months since I first went back, but I'm just kinda lost with the whole process. I feel I need to be cautious, as I was 'burned' b4, but I don't want a standstill either. In a past relationship I experienced a great connection/closeness to the person and I want to start OVER new with someone else. Because we were very close (dated several months and we were shomer negiyah) it's hard to keep moving forward. I want to be that person that can keep pushing themselves in the right direction, but I find that difficult here. I know he wasn't for me (nor me for him) -but I still find myself thinking asbout the confines of the relationship (in certain ways it was restrictive). I NEED something to get me going, to push me forward. I'm an adult and I dont want to stay single forever. Even if I'd speak to a counselor, I don't know what to say or how to go about it-and 'oh, well, I dated this guy a while, we had our ups and downs, way too much family concern on my end and now I fear loosing my true self to some guy bc he matters to me.' I'm human but this is something I need to deal with/handle. I NEED to move forward and I want to do something symbolic/useful/helpful/meaningful to keep me at bay and to allow me to let go.

Thank you in advance :)

#2 Punims

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Posted 11 April 2012 - 12:41 AM

you sound exactly like me and i'm happily married bh... hold on a few more days (weeks?) and i will hopefully reply to you soon...

#3 Punims

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Posted 11 April 2012 - 03:59 PM

Hi, I'm back. When I read your post again, I saw that the situation seems a bit different than I originally thought. You don't sound bogged down by the previous guy himself, but more from the experience. You sound afraid to start all over again from the beginning and then maybe get burned all over again. In my case, I was turned off by the whole dating scene because I couldn't get myself fully out of the relationship that I was in originally, even though we weren't meant to be together. It finally all ended just by the fact that he got engaged, so it was easy to just throw it aside then.

Am I right with how you are feeling? If yes, I think davening a lot and learning to trust that your "bashert" is out there and waiting is the first step. Do you have dating books to read? Hashem is with you with all your painful experiences and He is waiting until you're fully ready and perfect to meet your guy. He hasn't neglected you. Your pain is what is helping you to be ready for the big moment. Maybe the next one will be it and maybe you have to go through some more. You can daven for more easy insight and less mess to have to deal with before you find the right one.

Also distraction would probably be a big help. Starting a new job? Getting involved with a new program/volunteering? I feel that maybe you need to put all that hurt and sad energy into something that would be exciting for you, some new project. Any ideas?

Let me know if I can be of any more help or if I'm totally off with what you're going through. I feel for you and understand where you're coming from.

#4 sandythedog

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Posted 16 April 2012 - 01:31 AM

Thanks for your replies-it's nice to know that others have been there. I'm not quite sure why that makes me feel 'at home' but it helps :) So thanks :) Also, pesach is the time of freedom and Hashem helped me become more free over that time. He put the idea in my head that if guy A was really gone, how would I feel? And I felt ok-shockingly, but yes, I was ok. I wish him well and I wish him all the best, but I feel, for the most part, that I'm ok, but I also feel that at times, I need to remind myself of that. I'm sure though, that the self-assurance on the matter will come with time. Now, I have to not compare the uncomfortable aspects I had with him with the new people I date...for example, let's say he had a certain trait, which at times could be viewed as negative, although it wasn't negative in it's own right (ex: candy isn't bad, but when overeaten it probably is...). If I see something like that in someone else, I get a little, antsy I guess...any thoughts? I know time will clear things up and Hashem has done a great chessed for me.

Thanks for your help and good luck to anyone who's been there too :)

#5 Punims

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Posted 30 April 2012 - 12:11 AM

What's an example of the negative trait? I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

#6 eidel

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Posted 24 May 2012 - 06:13 PM

Dear sandythedog,

How are you now?

Would it help if instead of saying "I don't want to be single forever" you said "I want to be married, share a life, and grow together"? Probably you can say, "I have a lot to offer for knowing myself and the depth I have developed from my past experiences."
It looks like the problem is (was) that you have been concentrating on the negative. But isn't fear like an illusion? I think it's important to consciously declare to yourself that you are open to a new life. Even if you already "went on", to =consciously= switch to the positive, with no blurriness...

I dragged a guy (with whom I dated only once) for more than a decade.. I kept trying to make it my past, but it kept coming back. When I had a fight with my FEMALE best friend and teacher , I had a nightmare about him..! That's more lost than anyone else in the world, no?

I thought I would never be free, but I'm totally over with him AND the whole experience (actual conventional dating was only once but the emotional relationship was many months and things happened during the 7yrs that we saw each other).

This guy was not frum at all, and idk even his lineage, so once I decided to be frum it was easy to say the whole thing was in the past. But the hurt did remain for many years.

So i would say, don't worry if you are reminded of a bitter past.

You didn't lose yourself. You aren't ruined. Your core that Hashem gave you and what you've built up is real. Don't let the Yetzer Hora trick you. Look at all the beauty you have inside and outside, and let yourself enjoy a wonderful frum family!
Take care.

#7 sandythedog

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Posted 21 August 2012 - 04:43 AM

Thanks for all the great responses.

In regard to 'Eidel,' thanks for the reality check. You're right, one phrase is more admirable, although it's hard to not say "I don't want to be single forever" and say instead "I want to be married, share a life, and grow together" because I loved the guy and while the feelings aren't there still, I still appreciate the shaliach he was from Hashem and the kindness he did for me. The guy got me out of a slump, that would have been much more difficult to deal with on my own. I don't want to think about relationships-too painful, too harsh etc and yet, inside, I know I'm NOT correct. I know that life's about marriage and I want that person who will stand by me and be the teddy bear I need when days are harsh and the strong grizzly I need in other situations. I miss being in a relationship and having that warmth and comfort. There's a certain sense of knowing you're loved and while I, thank G-d, have a loving family, this matters too. Growing up, I didn't have the best self-esteem, although it's improved SIGNIFICANTLY in the last couple of years. As such, I dont expect a good guy to come along and I don't look forward to times to share with him, as I know it can lead to pain. It's sad but that's where my head is right now. Additionally, while I'm a nice person, my looks are not my #1 attribute, although, to be fair, I'd say it's a B average, so not horrible lol (maybe I'm being too critical of myself). In light of this fact, I don't feel a need to marry a gorgeous guy...also, I feel it's beneath me to look for LOOKS. Sure, one must be attracted to their spouse, no matter how others will see him, but I also feel like I'm missing out by not looking for a nicer looking guy- I also feel that if I'm comfortable with him and I'm attracted to him, why should what others will notice, matter? It doesn't...and yet...

GN one and all. Thanks JWQ's members and Rabbi Shapiro :-)

#8 sandythedog

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Posted 01 March 2013 - 04:50 AM

Wow, ok, replying to my own post...sorta....

 

UPDATES lol-I did date a few ppl after that april and while I still have the concern, to some degree, of loosing myself, Hashem gave me this great guy that I'm involved with, b"H/c"H.  I definitely want to build a life with him and I"m no longer scared the way I was...it's such a gift from Hashem to not be fearful lol-doing mitzvot bc of fear is LOWER than doing because of love....I'm not as critical of myself as I was above and I still have somethings to work past but iy"H, he and I will get there together :)

 

For all those reading this, keep a few things in mind:

1)HASHEM HAS A PLAN-we might not know it/what it is, but He does :)

2)Hashem doesn't want to leave you stranded in a place you can't get out of-what would be the point??  He wants us to grow and learn...sometimes, what we need to learn is to trust in Hashem (ever had it that some issue/problem came up and then when you finally said, 'I can't do this' Hashem steps in??  When we finally realize He's in control, that's when thing can sometimes shift)

3)HANG IN THERE-use as many supports as you need, whether friends, family, professional counselors (frum, same gender as you etc), mentors, to guide you through this trying time. 

4)Take ONE step.  It can be TINY like telling your friend that you want to date, or asking a close buddy to go with you to a singles event, just to 'explore' (using such a premiss makes you feel less pressured-but if you meet someone nice, try it :)  Just try to keep moving forward bc that's the only way to go on this conveyer belt :) 

5)Believe in yourself and in Hashem.  He gave you the strengths you have and the challenges that you CAN overcome.  He will help you, just give Him a chance.

 

Good luck and I hope to keep these points in mind as I go along with my life :)