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can i do this

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#1 surviver2



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Posted 15 April 2012 - 08:37 AM

i come from a messed up home and left but stil im in amidst of wars
im coming up to the point where i will and feel ready to date but
i feel bad dragging someone in the wargrounds that are my life even if he would be happy to do it ill feel guilty im still going to go ahead but any ideas how to handle

#2 Rabbi Shapiro

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Posted 15 April 2012 - 12:26 PM

As long as he knows what he's getting into, there's no problem. The question - which is a both a Halachich shaila as well as a practical one - is exactly how much to tell exactly when. But there are plenty of girls (and boys) in your position. It's what you are that counts. And that will make it well worth the whole "war package" for some lucky guy.

#3 SmileySimcha123



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Posted 15 April 2012 - 02:53 PM

I personally think that if the guy is the right one, he'll understand your troubles. Maybe he'll even have some advice to give you from past experience.

#4 kooky



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Posted 18 April 2012 - 09:13 AM

We all bring our "baggage" from the past to our future relationships. No family or home situation is perfect, and even if your seems to be very far from it that is also through the lens of your own experience. I think that as Rabbi Shapiro mentioned it is who YOU are that truly matters. You need to seek advice in terms of how to share parts of your life/family with whoever it is that you are dating so that he can have a fair chance to know YOU before having to decide if he can get invovled in your life situation.

When you marry someone, you do take on all of who they are including the "war package" but please do not think that it makes you any less of a "catch" for someone because you have struggled with whatever it is you have.. Also, when you get married you and your partner are creating a new reality and you can decide how much closeness or distance you want with the source of your issues.. you will see what works for you both.

#5 surviver2



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Posted 21 April 2012 - 01:11 PM

thanks so much

#6 sandythedog



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Posted 22 April 2012 - 01:47 AM

Hi, first, you're not the only one :) but in short: Someone once told me that if you have things that need to be worked out, like with a counselor, do so before marriage as it will make things easier....you can't control your background, as that is what Hashem gave you and what is right for you, but it's important to move forward, whatever that means to you. In terms of telling him or not getting him 'mixed in,' lots of ppl come from divorced homes, abusive homes etc, those that aren't 'perfect' by societies standards and these individuals can get married and have beautiful marriages.

good luck!

#7 surviver2



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Posted 28 April 2012 - 12:32 PM

ive been in therapy its not the past rather the fact that another person will have to suffer from my father and his wife