**Whatever is written below is not for the sake of l"h chas vishalom. Everything I write is only because I need help.
Baruch HaShem I come from a wonderful, frum, Torah and stable home. The thing is, my parents fight A LOT. My dad has a very low patience level and sometimes he blows things waaay out of proportion-things that r stupid and insignificant become the biggest deal and bring stress and negative vibs into the house. My mom doesnt know how to deal with it so he'll just scream at her and she'll try n excuse whatever hes blaming her for. At some point last year I cried to my father telling him that its just not fair for her or for any of us to have to listen to this and he apologized. I explained if theres something that he and my mother have to discuss (mommys and daddys are allowed to fight/disagree) they can speak about it in their room without embarrassing themselves. Yet here I am writing this... What I requested didnt rly work for too long. Another issue is, often I hear my parents say something derogatory about the other in front of me, ie "I hate when he does that!", "She never does this right" or worse. I daven really hard for my parents to have shalom bais but its not working apparently. I dont know what to do. I want to speak to my parents again but I dont know how to do it respectfully. But I know I have to because I'm at a breaking point already.... I really need help. Is there anything I can do?
How To Ask Parents To Stop Fighting
Started by
rocksdontfly
, Apr 24 2012 06:03 PM
5 replies to this topic
#2
Alone
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Posted 29 June 2012 - 08:46 AM
I am in a similiar situation with you. When I was in Israel for Seminary my therapist told me if it was easier for me I can email my mom and tell her how I feel about things at home and my relationship with her and my dad. I express my feelings better in writing so I got a lot out by doing this. I never confronted my dad, I just dont talk nicely to him and yell at him a lot which is really bad of me but I am learning how to deal. Maybe write them a letter if you are that type.
Just remember the fighting is not your fault.
Good luck, keep me posted
Just remember the fighting is not your fault.
Good luck, keep me posted
#3
Rabbi Shapiro
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Posted 29 June 2012 - 10:33 AM
The title of this thread is "How To Ask Parents To Stop Fighting." If you are looking for a way to ask them that will get them to stop fighting, I am afraid there is none. Believe me, your parents would love to find a way to stop this themselves. If your father could just choose not to do it, he'd be happy. But it doesn't work that way.
Your parents have a problem, and asking them to solve it will not make it go away. The situation is unfortunate and painful, but it is not within your control to change. (However, they may reduce their fighting in front of you. I will discuss this shortly.)
So instead of this thread's current title, let's change it to "How To Deal With Parents' Fighting."
First, understand that you cannot do anything to help the situation. It's difficult enough for you to have to live through this, you don't need the situation to be exasperated by feeling guilty about it. You didn't cause the problem and you cannot solve it.
Understanding that you have no control over this will alleviate the frustration that comes from not knowing what to do, or not doing enough. As one of the previous Lubavitcher Rebbes used to say: "If you bang your head against the wall until the wall breaks, that's Mesiras Nefesh. But if you bang your head against the wall until your head breaks, that's foolishness."
Don't bang your head against the wall here. Nothing will break except your head.
Second: This may or may not be relevant in your case, but in general, children should not be quick to judge which parent is at fault in an argument. Marriages are complex things, and blowups are often the result of an accumulation of perhaps years of contention, overt or subtle, much of which can remain concealed from the children.
Third: Depending on how old they are, part of the pain children may feel when parents fight is concern that their parents dislike each other, or even that the domestic unit is not stable. Fortunately (to the extent you can use that word in this context) that is not the case when couples fight, and even when they say nasty things, it does not mean they don't love each other, and it also does not mean that their marriage is in danger.
The only thing you can do when such a thing happens is to distance yourself, physically and emotionally, as much as possible. Go into another room, or even out of the house if possible when blowups happen. (If we're fortunate, your parents seeing this may also help motivate them to try to at least not do it in front of you.)
And continue talking to your parents about how their fighting and talking about each other upsets you. Preferably, do it when both of them are together. Don't do it in an accusatory manner or telling them that they are doing something wrong. Instead, focus exclusively on yourself - how you feel when they fight. Make sure it does not come across as if you are judging them or accusing them of wrongdoing. (And don't say something like "I am not accusing you of anything but...." No "but"s. Just focus on yourself.)
And finally, understand that everyone in this world has their struggles, including parents, including your parents, and that they, like everyone else in this world, are not perfect beings. Hopefully, though, your parents are trying to get better, but, like for everyone else in this world, change often comes slowly.
Your parents have a problem, and asking them to solve it will not make it go away. The situation is unfortunate and painful, but it is not within your control to change. (However, they may reduce their fighting in front of you. I will discuss this shortly.)
So instead of this thread's current title, let's change it to "How To Deal With Parents' Fighting."
First, understand that you cannot do anything to help the situation. It's difficult enough for you to have to live through this, you don't need the situation to be exasperated by feeling guilty about it. You didn't cause the problem and you cannot solve it.
Understanding that you have no control over this will alleviate the frustration that comes from not knowing what to do, or not doing enough. As one of the previous Lubavitcher Rebbes used to say: "If you bang your head against the wall until the wall breaks, that's Mesiras Nefesh. But if you bang your head against the wall until your head breaks, that's foolishness."
Don't bang your head against the wall here. Nothing will break except your head.
Second: This may or may not be relevant in your case, but in general, children should not be quick to judge which parent is at fault in an argument. Marriages are complex things, and blowups are often the result of an accumulation of perhaps years of contention, overt or subtle, much of which can remain concealed from the children.
Third: Depending on how old they are, part of the pain children may feel when parents fight is concern that their parents dislike each other, or even that the domestic unit is not stable. Fortunately (to the extent you can use that word in this context) that is not the case when couples fight, and even when they say nasty things, it does not mean they don't love each other, and it also does not mean that their marriage is in danger.
The only thing you can do when such a thing happens is to distance yourself, physically and emotionally, as much as possible. Go into another room, or even out of the house if possible when blowups happen. (If we're fortunate, your parents seeing this may also help motivate them to try to at least not do it in front of you.)
And continue talking to your parents about how their fighting and talking about each other upsets you. Preferably, do it when both of them are together. Don't do it in an accusatory manner or telling them that they are doing something wrong. Instead, focus exclusively on yourself - how you feel when they fight. Make sure it does not come across as if you are judging them or accusing them of wrongdoing. (And don't say something like "I am not accusing you of anything but...." No "but"s. Just focus on yourself.)
And finally, understand that everyone in this world has their struggles, including parents, including your parents, and that they, like everyone else in this world, are not perfect beings. Hopefully, though, your parents are trying to get better, but, like for everyone else in this world, change often comes slowly.
#5
badjew
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Posted 15 July 2012 - 07:04 PM
Sorry to interupt. Does that mean when that the fighting will never stop? And what if the marriage is in danger of falling apart?
What if there is no way to distance oneself? And if there are younger kids-should one stay and make sure they're ok, or try to distract them or something, or should one leave?
Sorry for interupting
What if there is no way to distance oneself? And if there are younger kids-should one stay and make sure they're ok, or try to distract them or something, or should one leave?
Sorry for interupting
#6
Rabbi Shapiro
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Posted 15 July 2012 - 07:16 PM
The fighting may or may not stop. But there's little the children can do to help.Sorry to interupt. Does that mean when that the fighting will never stop? And what if the marriage is in danger of falling apart?
What if there is no way to distance oneself? And if there are younger kids-should one stay and make sure they're ok, or try to distract them or something, or should one leave?
Sorry for interupting
It's best to leave and take the little kids with you. At least to another room. If that's not possible, then it depends how little they are. They're not going to be in any danger, but it's possible they will get very frightened. If that's the case, stay with them just to make them feel safe.
