4 replies to this topic

[danceInTheRain]

Hello Rabbi,
Can you please tell me the goal of marriage. I know this is a crazy question but it is very important for me to get a good answer. when i ask people this they either think I'm nuts or they give me a stupid answer and when i try to figure this out myself i reach some sort of dead end with my thinking process.
I will share some of my thought process if I will get the same answers from you.
the answer i get to this question will make the world of a diffrence to me when looking for the right one to marry and thats why i am driven crazy by this question.
thanks

[Punims]

Somebody asked this recently and this is what Rabbi Shapiro answered:

The short answer: To be able to fulfill your tachlis in this world in a way that you cannot if you are not married.

This includes but is not limited to:

• having children and bringing up a new generation of Tzadikim
• possessing an Ezer Kenegdo that will be an energizing and encouraging force in everything you do
• being able to learn how to be a giver, which is our purpose in this world - to be givers. Hashem created this world only to give, and we are supposed to emulation Him. We cannot create a world like Hashem did, but a family unit is good enough.
• the nisyonos of dealing with a wife and children properly, including our responsibility toward them, shapes us into being better people
• the emotional relationship we have with wife and children also shapes us into being better people and ovdei Hashem
• and more

In short, in order for a person to fulfill his destiny in this world he has to go through various different experiences, emotional, circumstantial, spiritual, and physical. Hashem has revealed to us that having a wife and children, and bringing them up, and all the responsibility and happiness and joy that one gives and receives from that experience - and yes, the pain as well - are all required for us to be what Hashem wants us to be. And to accomplish what Hashem wants us to do.

[Rabbi Shapiro]

The answer Punims is referring to is from here.

But I want to add something because of the way you asked the question. Besides asking about the purpose of marriage, you mention that you are seeking an answer that "will make the world of a diffrence to me when looking for the right one to marry."

Asking about the purpose of marriage is like asking about the purpose of a business, for example. But if you're looking for a business partner, asking what the purpose of a business is, is not enough. Besides a partner that is going to be good for the business, you also need someone who will be a good match for you.

Same thing with a marriage. You can't just look for a marriage partner based on the purpose of a marriage any more than you can look for a business partner just based on the purpose of the business. In fact, a marriage partner needs to be a personal match a billion times more than does a partner in business.

So while its true that you should not marry someone who is not on the same page as you regarding the purpose of a marriage, or is on the same page for whatever reason is not going to help you fulfill it, it is also true that even if you find someone who does qualify in that respect, don't marry him based on that alone. You need someone who will fulfill you personally as well - and vice-versa.

And as far as the "purpose" of marriage is concerned, in terms of applying the various aspects of its purpose to your search for a husband, have in mind as the one overarching purpose of marriage, after which all the rest are commentary. You already pray for it yourself every week.
.
זרעא די לא יפסוק ודי לא יבטול מפתגמי אורייתרא
.
To create a Torah'dike house with children that will be Talmidei Chachamim.

And a husband who wants that as well, and will set an example for his children of what that means.

[danceInTheRain]

.
זרעא די לא יפסוק ודי לא יבטול מפתגמי אורייתרא
.
To create a Torah'dike house with children that will be Talmidei Chachamim.

And a husband who wants that as well, and will set an example for his children of what that means.

How can this be the main goal of marriage? What about people that do not have children? What about people who's children do not grow up to be talmidei chachamim rather go astray? Have these people not fullfilled the mission?????

[Rabbi Shapiro]

To create a Torah'dike house with children that will be Talmidei Chachamim.

And a husband who wants that as well, and will set an example for his children of what that means.

The children are a component of the house, but not the only one.

There is of course your husband also.

If a couple has no children then she can still be an עזר מנגדו to the husband.

My point was merely that a couple should not think that a marriage is about them as a couple, and that bringing up their children are merely an obligation. Bringing up children is a major purpose in a marriage. But that does not mean that without children r"l the marriage would be purposeless.