4 replies to this topic

[TovaLeahGlass]

As a kid I had some major anger issues, like full fledged temper tantrums, yelling screaming, threatening people, not at all pretty, and not something I am proud about. However with a lot of work I have moved a lot past that in the last number of years (meaning since I was about 12), this is something I am proud of, and I take a lot of pride in the fact tat when people push me and push me I don't explode. It''s not easy, believe me, i tis very very hard. The problem is my family can't seem to move past me as this angry temper filled kid. In the last 9 years I have put so much effort into not exploding. Not that, I never do but I thin kI often am successful at holding my temper. My siblings however seem to view anything I say as the beginning of a tantrum. Do you know how painful it is to watch your younger sibling condescendingly trying to "calm you down" when you aren't angry in the first place. To have a younger sibling tell you "sweety I don't think it's a constructive time to have this conversation lets wait until you are nice and calm. To have people tell you they feel like they need to walk on eggshells around you. When I am not angry. Honestly this is the thing that makes me the most angry is people deciding that I am. The decide I am always angry. I say something and it is an attack. As well sometimes I am upset, but I ask to be left alone. Or I leave the situation on my own. This sign of upset is immediately seen as a complete attack and in my sisters exact words today "I can't trust you to act like a responsible adult" All I did was walk out of a room after saying " I think this conversation is upsetting me I need to have some space now" The worst part is I know that this is not only calmness from a twisted view point and that I really am throwing tantrums daily, because my mother sees these situations and tells me she is os proud I am staying calm. She tells me she is so sorry she cant tell my sisters that I am calm because she doesn't take sides. I understand at 21i should not still be having sibling issues, and I am trying very hard not to. I don't even know what I want to be told. I just know I want to actually be heard. Because my sisters don't listen, saying I am not angry is considered denial to them, asking them to listen to me explain a situation, is considered an attack. i on't know maybe I am wrong there are more of them than me. All I know is I needed to get this off my chest.

I can't believe I actually wrote this on here, it is a public forum online, but honestly it feels good to get it out, and although as I was typing I wasn't sure i would actually post it, I am proud of how much progress I have made, and i am proud that I want to make even more. This is part of who I am and of the challenge Hashem has give me uniquely in my specific life and situation. My job as I see it is to o the best I can to overcome it. Which is what I am trying to do here.

[Punims]

Are you working now or in school? It sounds like you need to be thriving in a different environment such as one that doesn't know the former you. It sounds to me like your sisters are just using your own anger self for their own power, to always stay on top of you or to not have to get into any deep conversations with you. You need to see that you can be who you are, the calm you, without your siblings around you.

[dotherightthing]

hey- i know how annoying it is to have little siblings or older ones for that matter to tell you to calm down when you are really feeling calm!! i have the same problem- everyone in my family tells each other to calm down unnessescarily. what you can do is one day, in an extremely calm voice when nobody was fighting or disagreeing before hand say- i wanna tell everyone something!!
tell everyone about how much use worked and accomplished in this middah and how u wud appreciate if everyone stopped treating you like a ticking bomb! you are very adept at controlling your anger and you don't need reminders or warnings form your younger siblings. obviously say this in a nice way but make it very clear that you are in control and working on this and you are doing pretty well so ufd appreciate if the comments form the peanut gallery wud stop. i don't know if this will work in your situation but i really think it might! also i know that in not very family can someone get up and make a serious personal announcement like this- sometimes it doesn't work like that! in mine it definitely doesn't! but if it does, good luck and keep us posted!

[taon]

I used to be the same, exploding at anything. Now, Baruch Hashem, I can usually deal with situations others cant, the experience made me, and probably you, more able to deal with such things. But getting others to not treat you like a bomb is hard. Eventually you may get a chance to tell them not to worry, or at least not to respond to what they think is anger. But until then, One tactic I had was to make a kind of joke, or acting in what is clearly mock anger. Saying someone nonsensical even, or laughing, humming, just to get them to stop treating me like a spoiled child or a monster rearing to attack. Maybe even tell them to test you once or twice, in a small way.
Tell us how it goes.


Do you know the story of the man who tried to upset Hillel? When he saw Hillel wasn't getting angry, he told Hillel he had more questions to ask, but was afraid Hillel would get angry. i heard this was his surefire tactic to make him angry, by acting as if Hillel was going to blow. A little different than your situation, but this really is one of the hardest tests in this area.

[taon]

If it helps, by the way, we believe in you.