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#1 jew

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Posted 27 June 2012 - 07:45 PM

There is a certain girl that I am related to who is crying out for help subliminally that it is way too hard to be a frum girl. She was at my house this weekend and we were discussing the fact that she snobs me out constantly. Last year she wouldn't speak to me during the summer bc I wore flat "nigger" caps. I was pointing out a couple of things one of her not being careful about shomer negiah with my brother and not being careful about tsniyut like very revealing skirts. She came to swim by my pool and just took off her aqua modesta while she saw me in the office. From experience this girl who is considered an amazing girl by all is going to crash hard. What should I do? Rabbi, if you don't mind helping me out? And everyone I really need your help!! I was thinking to speak to her sister about it but shes getting married soon. We both are into fashion and I work in a fashion store in NYC. Do you think I should offer to buy her new skirts as long as she throws away the old ones?

#2 Rabbi Shapiro

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Posted 03 July 2012 - 12:29 PM

Do you think I should offer to buy her new skirts as long as she throws away the old ones?


Probably. It depends on why she is crying out. Usually a show of sincere caring and friendship such as your offer suggests has a great influence. But in some instances, if the person is looking for attention, then such an offer may just show them that their rebelliousness elicits attention, and it will only encourage them to push the envelope a bit further, to elicit another dose of attention.

So you decide whether that one possible reason not to make such an offer is realistic, and deal accordingly.

I would suggest in general to simply sit down with this relative and ask her straight up what is going on. So often parents will ask me "How do I say so-and-so to my son/daughter" or a wife will ask me "How do I explain such-and-such to my husband?" And my answer will be "The same way you just explained it to me."

You expressed your concern for your friend/relative quite well in your post. It was clear, concise, and, most importantly, sincere and honest. It communicates that your concern is only for her sake, with no hidden agendas on your part.

If you can do that on this site, you can do that with her. You can tell her that you don't know what to do or how to bring up the subject, but you've noticed these things recently and she is, as you put it, "an amazing girl" that is "going to crash hard." Opening up to her is the best way to get her to open up to you.

#3 jew

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Posted 08 July 2012 - 11:13 PM

Thank you so much!! I spoke to her and she denied it all but for some reason agreed to speak to a mentor after much pleading! She came again to my house this weekend and i noticed some changes. baruch hashem!! thank you rabbi!