26 replies to this topic

[badjew]

I don't know if this goes here, but I guess it's a start. Sorry if I'm putting it in the wrong place
K, so i have a few completely random questions

1)Does anyone know how long it takes for a scar to go away? and does it depend on what's used or where the cut is? And what do you do about the ones that might not ever go away?

2)Is therapy absolutely necessary to get out of cutting? or can one do it by oneself?
If it is necessary, why?

3) Is it possible to ever be normal? To walk past or hold a sharp object and not think about what you'd do with it/actually do it?
And the same with eating-to eat normally without either starving yourself, or to binge and then want to purge (regardless of whether or not you actually do it...)? To just be a "normal" person without any of these desires, without anything triggering, etc? Or am i doomed?

4)I stopped for a longish time, and then I started again, but now it's worse than it ever was. Can I stop it again by myself? What if I'm not sure that I want to stop? don't take that the wrong way- i do want to, but somehow...

5)Are scales muktza on shabbos? (the not digital kind)

sorry for this whole ramble, and if i wasn't making sense....

[Rabbi Shapiro]

Please see this link:

http://kidshealth.or...th/cutting.html

I'm not a doctor but I can answer two of your questions. And also, I have one request.

First, scales are partially Muktza, even if they are not digital. By that I mean they are what we call a כלי שמלאכתו לאיסור and you are allowed to move them sometimes - depends why you need to move them. But I imagine that you didn't want to ask if they are Muktza, but rather if you are allowed to use them to weigh yourself. The answer to that is no, you cannot. The Muktzah question comes into play if you want to move the scale for reasons other than to weigh yourself (such as if it in your way or you want to use it as a door stop or something).

Second - question #3. It is definitely possible to stop cutting. I can tell you for a fact that there have been teenagers who were cutters and have totally, completely, stopped. I am thinking now of one in particular, who used to be very active on the old frumteens site, who is now married to a wonderful man and has with wonderful children. She's not the only one. There is definitely hope.

Now the request.

Please change that screen name. I don't believe it. ;-) Thanks.

[rocksdontfly]

I don't know if this goes here, but I guess it's a start. Sorry if I'm putting it in the wrong place
K, so i have a few completely random questions

1)Does anyone know how long it takes for a scar to go away? and does it depend on what's used or where the cut is? And what do you do about the ones that might not ever go away?

2)Is therapy absolutely necessary to get out of cutting? or can one do it by oneself?
If it is necessary, why?

3) Is it possible to ever be normal? To walk past or hold a sharp object and not think about what you'd do with it/actually do it?
And the same with eating-to eat normally without either starving yourself, or to binge and then want to purge (regardless of whether or not you actually do it...)? To just be a "normal" person without any of these desires, without anything triggering, etc? Or am i doomed?

4)I stopped for a longish time, and then I started again, but now it's worse than it ever was. Can I stop it again by myself? What if I'm not sure that I want to stop? don't take that the wrong way- i do want to, but somehow...

5)Are scales muktza on shabbos? (the not digital kind)

sorry for this whole ramble, and if i wasn't making sense....

It is possible. While u r living it it seems like there is no other way out but I promise u there is. Please believe in urself and gather the strength HaShem blesses u with because u can overcome this. I promise u its possible. I'm living proof.
Number 4, YES! u can!
For scars, try cocoa butter. It helps. To take it even further, every time u want to hurt urself, do the extreme opposite. When all u want to do is give up on urself and cut, lather urself in lotion and relax. Tell that voice who is driving u to pain NO and give urself love. U deserve it. Dont think 'no I dont.' U do.
HaShem should continue to bless u and strengthen u.

[danceInTheRain]

you CAN stop!! just keep one thing in mind. You did not wake up one morning and deside that scars are pretty so U will cut youself. Rather there is something very real huting you on the inside and the cutting is the way your brain is trying to deal with the pain so as long as you will not approach the real pain you might be able to battle this for a while but not forever.
That is why you might wanna thing seriously bout therapy.
Good luck

[badjew]

Thank you. I've been on that site before, it helped me stop the first time, but now it's not really helping. But thank you.
Yeah, I was asking mitzad weighing myself. Oh well.
And I would change my screen name, but it remains true for present moment, sadly.

rocksdontfly-Thanks for the chizuk and the advice re scars. Wish I could say I deserve it, but b'emet i really don't. All i deserve is a slap in the face most of the time...
danceInTheRain-i suppose you're right. But i don't think therapy is going to help with any of that. But thanks anyways

[shira]

im a cutter too. im also trying to stop, and maybe this would be hel[pful. i gave my pocket knife to my rabbi . i know ur thinking that i cud always go and use something else, but it was stll a step in the right direction. and he told me that the day of my wedding, were gonna desstroy it together.and i was so touched by that that at least now, everytime i cut i think of what he said and even feel a little guilty. and every time u hold ur self back , say to yourself that this is one momment closer to putting this all behind you .it actually feels good.

[reachingforthestars]

badjew (and I DON'T like calling you that) you are making me cry. I also have cut in the past, I am clean for about 6 weeks now and it's a rough road...
Let me tell you one thing: cutting, binging, and anorexic behavior DOES NOT make you a bad person. For whatever reason G-d gave you your nisyonos and hopefully a few years down the road you will be able to see that they made you a better person. Even if now you are having a rough time with judiasum you cannot beat yourself up for it.
In terms of scars going away: they lighten over time and yes, do fade. Rite aid sells scar bandaids that help also there is a type of oil that works.
Therapy is necessary to get out of cutting as is dedication.
I know people who have refrained from cutting for years, I have only stopped for six weeks and it's really hard but I use all my coping skills whenever I have an urge.
How you doing now?

[badjew]

shira-wow! b'hatzlacha! and keeping you in my tefilot
reachingforthestars-thanks for the chizuk! how are you doing? yeah, stopping is hard... i've stopped for 4 months one time and almost 5 a diff time, but then slipped up... so far it's been about a week since i stopped (again...) somehow each time i stop, it gets harder, not easier, prob cuz im scared that i'll prob slip up again... i wish i could say i'm not a bad person, but the facts are the facts. whatever. b'hatzlacha rabbah! davening for you!
k'tiva v'chatima tova!

[reachingforthestars]

once again U R NOT BAD! I don't care what you think you did that has made u bad but u r not!
I'm doing pretty good; holding strong to my commitment. It is always going to be hard to refrain from cutting but I am sure that you could do it. Give yourself an incentive.

[idknemore]

Just saying in also a cutter and I have recovered but then I relapsed as it all started again one day I decided NO MORE CUTTIG and I threw out all my blades ad things I used and also or a long time I would be ok with just snapping rubber bands but as time went by and the stress came more and more I couldn't handle it and at that point I should have seeked help but I didn't .....good luck and remember hashem loves you

[AtLeastI'mTrying!]

idknemore- I almost can't believe your post... First of all i used to be a cutter too... i used to use razor blades and cut till i bled... i stopped and switched addictions to smoking... then stopped and became an alcoholic, then a drug addict, then back to cutting... when i went back to cutting, i cut like i never did before... i had to get stitches a couple of times... i wasn't cutting to kill myself, it was cause of the stress... i haven't cut in about 4 months now but still have a couple of scars that i doubt will ever go away... try silver sulfadine cream... its usually prescribed for burns but can be really helpful to get rid of cutting scars... (I started with the alcohol again but am not completely dependent but am working on stopping)

if you really wan't to stop cutting, you don't necessarily need therapy; you do however need some sort of support, or it is likely that you will Gd forbid replace addictions like I did... You can go to a therapist, a life coach, a social worker... there are so many helping professionals with different methods; i'm sure you can find one that'll work. I especially benefited from life coaching (using the Focus model)... do some research see what appeals to you. Another option is a self-mutilator's anonymous meeting... I went to Narcotics anonymous but had a lot of cutters in the meetings i went to... those meetings saved me... the support they provided seriously pulled me away from my lowest points and saved me from hurting myself beyond repair...

I also agree

im a cutter too. im also trying to stop, and maybe this would be hel[pful. i gave my pocket knife to my rabbi . i know ur thinking that i cud always go and use something else, but it was stll a step in the right direction. and he told me that the day of my wedding, were gonna desstroy it together.and i was so touched by that that at least now, everytime i cut i think of what he said and even feel a little guilty. and every time u hold ur self back , say to yourself that this is one momment closer to putting this all behind you .it actually feels good.

Most cutters have something specific they like to use and always keep on them... even though every time you pass something sharp you'll have an urge (for the first few months), it can be really helpful to get rid of your blade of choice... when i got rid of mine i found myself significantly less likely to cut...

good luck and please let us know how you're doing!!!

[badjew]

hi everyone! hope you're all doing well! been keeping you all in my tefillot. anyways, as of now i'm over 100 days of being clean can't say i'm thrilled that that's it, but wtvr. progress is progress, nachon? anyways, i wanted to share with you guys something that's been helping me stay on track. does it work miracles? no. does it keep this from being a crazy struggle for me? no. but it does help...

anyways, hashgacha pratit, i was walking through a bookstore, and came across one of Rabbi Twerski's books on addiction.one of his friends was an alcoholic, and when rabbi twerski asked him how long he'd been sober, he told him some # day in the thousands. he asked why he didn't just say how many years, and he answered that each day is a new struggle and an accomplishment, and he writes down every night how many days it's been. when this man died in his sleep at age 83, they found the last entry the night before was wtvr number it was, equalling to 43 years of being sober.

so i started counting days... and it helps keep in perspective that each day is a struggle to overcome, and that it's ok if i'm having a hard time on day 99... (wish i was better at internalizing that! i still get mad at myself for fighting...) but yeah.

also, i guess completely clean is a bit of an exaggeration... i still nail dig/scratch. but i'm getting there. i hope.

hatzlacha rabba!

[badjew]

also, sorry to keep babbling and for being a bother, but does anyone have any advice for getting off pro-ana sites... i've tried so many things, and somehow i always end up back there...  and it doesn't help to just say, i'm not going back on. i've said it, many times. and i've gone for months at a time without going on. but then all it takes is to want ot look somethign up nad idk exactly how it happens, i just end up on there...

would guardyoureyes work for something like this? i don't even know what i'd be blocking though... any suggestions?

[taon]

There are webfilters which block sites that use certain words, at least in the site description or code or something. I believe k9 blocks anorexia sites, if you want to try it. Would you feel tempted by any proanorexia site, or just certain ones?

[badjew]

Thanks. I think i'll try that. unfortunately every and any... would be a lot easier if it was one specific...

thanks for your help!

[ilavHashem]

wat abt the other side

bH i dnt cut, im not depressed...

but i know ppl hu do, hu r

and i am deeply hurt by their pain

i want to know what the right things to say and do are

i spoke to teachers abt these issues and how to respond,

and i want to hear it from someone who can answer from a past or present experience

what to say to the girl im barely friends with but who will come over and tell me she doesnt she a reason to live today and wants to die (she is in therapy, and will say things like this often to many ppl)

do i brush her sad comments off and proceed to some cheery topic she prob has no interest in

do i ask her why she feels so sad

how do i know if im helping...or making it worse

i cnt just stay out of her way

im weird tht way

i cnt watch her suffer without suffering along with her

even tho she dusnt know it and never will

shes just some random kid hu dsnt hav so many frends... hu is stuck in a sad world... and i cnt help but wnt to cry with her

so wat do i do?

(i dnt nneed a generic "b there for her" i need to know wat u wud want told to u

thnks for all ur help guys pls respond )

[badjew]

there's a quote i once saw, i believe it was somewhere here, possibly on the old site, that goes as follows: don't be friends with someone in order to help her. help her because you are friends.

 

i think it's amazing that you want to help, and that you care so deeply. it shows what a special neshama you have, that you feel her, and other's, pain so deeply.

i guess it depends on the person-it sounds like this person doesn't really care who knows or that's her way of calling out, i don't really know. personally, i kept everything hidden, and very few people know that anything was ever wrong. it really depends on the person. but nobody, NO MATTER WHAT they are going through, wants to be your chessed case (the collective your, not you specifically  ). and that's where the above quote comes in. when i confided in someone, it was because she was my friend already, and i knew that our friendship was not based on my problems or hers. ultimately, unfortunately, it did become a large part of it, but at the same time, we're friends stam, and it is not the basis, so b'ezrat Hashem when this is all over, we'll still be friends... (i hope!) we know how to have fun together, how to have a normal conversation, how to be totally wtvr... and i didn't feel like she was my friend so that she could help me. there were people who wanted to help me, and who had only the best intentions. but they didn't know me, and i felt like i was their chesed project. super ichy feeling...  so if you want to help, be her friend. but for real. and while ultimately that may entail this situaton or wtvr, a friendship should not be based on problems...we say in pirkei avot:kol ahava shetluya b'davar, batel davar, batel ha'ahava. and if you really care, and it sounds like you do, than you want to be friends, even after, b'ezrat Hashem soon, the situation is "batel."

as someone who cut, and who didn't/doesn't really talk about it, it wasn't something i liked being brought up. when one of the adults who knows would ask me about it, i would immediately freeze up... don't bring it up. if she brings it up, that's one thing. but do NOT bring it up to her. if she wants to talk about it, she'll let you know. and NEVER EVER EVER ask to see scars, talk about scars, mention scars or anything like that unless she says something. sorry, bad experience with that...

and for you-make sure that you have the support that you need. you sound like an amazing person, adn i don't doubt that you are. when it comes to things like this, you need guidance. you canNOT be alone in that. just putting that out there.

stam someone in a bad matzav, whether cutting or otherwise, generally feels alone... so becoming friends, even without discussing any problems, is helpful in and of itself. including the person, sometimes that good morning ___ means more than you can ever know, acknowlege thier existence in a positive way-is she good at something? is she on a committee? don't just give negative attention;it doesn't feel good, and it's not really what she wants, just the only way she knows how to get it...

and for the record, mitzad the good morning-say it to everyone, cuz you never now... sometimes it's the happiest ones who are hiding the most...

i'm not sure that i'm answering your question... i apologize if i haven't. Hatzlacha!

[idknemore]

Hey evryone
Btw badjew- you are a milllllllllllion percent rite about cutters . I cut and I have a few friends that know ( I really regret telling one of them ) and a couple days ago I was annoying her and out rite in front I my class she said " if u don't stop it I'm gonna tell everyone your secret and I know u don't want them to know " I was embarassed beyond words and I ran outta the classroom and hid in the staircase area wanting to just cut so badly ...and also a diff time I was shopping and I saw a shirt I wanted to get and she's like" well too bad u cu yourself ,now u can't wear that so there's no point in buying it" and no matter how many times I tell my friend that It hurts me so mug she still brings it up I hate it ...and therefore I learnt in life that I can't trust anyone I really can't because aparently everyone will inevedably by mistake bring it up and they don't realize how much their hurting me but they are .

[badjew]

oysh idknemore.... sending you a hug... i know the feeling all too well... this friend of yours doesn't really sound like much of a friend, to be honest.i'm so sorry that you're going through that... it's so much harder when people are making comments and all you want to do is run out of the room and just do it...

but i want you to know that there ARE people you can trust. the hard part is finding them and deciding who to trust. but they do exist. and b"H that they do, or much as i hate to say it, and melodramatic as it sounds, in all honesty i probably wouldn't be alive right now if it wasn't for the few that i can and do trust. i have a friend who knows about it. she's seen my scars, some on purpose, some by accident, some she didn't know what she was seeing... she cried when she saw them. she cries for me when i bring it up, or when i'm having a crazy strong need to do it. it wasn't easy to trust... believe me, i've had my share of being stabbed in the back. but when you find those people, who i  can testify DO exist, you'll find that it's so much easier... believing that you can't trust anyone is just so lonely, and the isolation that you feel compounds all that pain... i still don't trust easily, and i still struggle to confide in the few that i do trust. but being able to trust and to have a feeling that there are people out there who are trustworthy and who care for real, it's such a help on so many levels... i give you a bracha that you find someone to trust soon, your shaliach that will be able to help you. maybe it's one person, maybe more. but i hope you find them soon. and i hope find your trust soon. b'hatzlacha dear, and i'm davening!

[idknemore]

Thanx so much ...I would write more here but I am just a bit draine of energy at the moment ill try to write more soon ..also I post a lot on the forum called "help mee" so u could check that out also if u want