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Im So Nervous...


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#1 superjew94

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 12:13 AM

im scared that no one good will want to date/marry me bec a. im a geyores b. my parents are divorced c. ive battled with depression and anorexia/bullimia throughout my teens
am i stupid for being nervous?? i just want to marry a mencsh who will help me build a beautiful home full of torah and mitzvos...

#2 shifpifer1

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Posted 05 August 2012 - 09:38 PM

dear superjew94,
okay so i know many times i write things on this site and i get misunderstood at times but PLEASE hear me out in a positive light, thank you.
1) okay so your fear of getting married to someone good b/c of your life circumstances. define "good". what does a good spouse mean to you? b/c hes not a "good" spouse if he only cares if your a convert or parents are together. obviously, the person who will marry you wont make that a deciding factor when he wants to marry you. change your view of a "good" spouse. important traits to keep in mind, such as compassion, honesty, ect. and think of your weaknesses, and how someone else who is more, empathetic for example could help balance a judge mental nature... something along those lines.

2) there are soooooooo many people in our generation who are converts, it is NOT as uncommon as you think! it just might feel that way b/c maybe you live in an area where maybe people keep it quiet or you feel like you are the only one. and there are baalei teshuvah people too.. and ppl who were FFB and then fell off the derech and came on again... people who veer more to the left or right than their family.. ect. listen, everyone has their own journey and way of coming to Hashem and his Torah, and however that happens is fine. you just have to believe. in addition to the whole convert thing, Hashem Shomer Es Gayrim... He is protecting you.. no matter what.. and he has your zivug.

3) also, even if you chose/didn't choose (adopted? other circumstance) to keep mitzvos regardless of a past the point is you want to build a torah home NOW as a young person. and thats important.

4) divorce is also common, (not discounting its detrimental effects..) many people of divorced parents get married and it is an allusion that people paint that if they get divorced their children wont marry. you have to decide what you think is healthy to look for in a spouse and be as emotionally stable as possible.

5) and with the eating disorder/depression stuff (sigh, it just makes me so sad to read all these stories on this website, i feel like so many people have eating disorders on this website!) well, i mean you have been getting help right? i mean all i can say is that if you want to be happy, you have to make it be that way. i mean its hard when your in a pattern, but you can get chizuk to break the pattern. does "battled," things got better? or are you still having problems?

6) no dearest you are not stupid for feeling a basic human emotion called "nervous" and i even though i will try to make you feel less nervous, you are entitled to your feelings, simply b/c they are yours and only yours. i think anyone would feel nervous considering your difficult circumstances, and in the parasha of shidduchim or not, there are many like you who have less/more than you to worry about in their lives and are still nervous about shidduchim

have a good rest of your summer and be well.

#3 superjew94

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Posted 05 August 2012 - 11:06 PM

i really appreciate your well thought out comment. it really meant a lot to me.
here are some answers to your questions
1) i would like to marry someone who is a mensch and comes from a shomer mitzvos and torah home. i want someone who wants to and loves to learn torah and preferably wants to take job position in which he can learn a lot or be a rebbi. i need someone who obviously is very understanding of my problems but i dont want someone who also comes from a crazy home (did i mention i was also abused) and someone who will help me build a beautiful home.
2)i know that there are a lot of gerim, baali teshuva, etc.. but a lot of what i have seen is that they marry people who are also gerim, baal teshuva- which is what i dont necessarily want. i would love to marry someone who "knows what they are doing" so to speak- like they have their minhagim and are confidant in their torah. (i know i might seem picky but this is what is really important to me!)
3) about the devorce i know that it happens and there is nothing i can do to change that but it still makes shidduchim harder.
4)i am in the process of getting help for both my eating disorder and depression but ive been told that it is a lifelong battle and i also know this because my mother suffers from anarexia still from when she was my age.
thank you again and i hope you are well!