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I Need Some Advice

school seminary inspiration

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#1 danceInTheRain



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Posted 15 August 2012 - 02:03 PM

Okay, I'm finally getting the guts to post this so I hope it will be worth it.
I don't even know what my question is I just know that I need some good advice.
I have been now a full year out of school. At the beggining of the year I was really growing. I had gone to a GREAT seminary and I felt that all the peices were falling into place and I was learning how to take all that I had learnt and live in the outside world. I was really growing and doing things that even when I was in school were pretty far from me and I was happy. I had a very organized schedule. I was eating and sleeping well. davening, learning, enjoying shabbos
That went on for quite a while.
but lately I am just feeling tottaly down all the time. I have two great jobs and I really live them up but thats it. I haven't had the will to pick up a siddur in so long. I have kind of lost hope when it comes to dating(I feel like I dated so so many guys). And its been so long since I just enjoyed hearing the wind and I used to be such a nature girl. It's like i am numb all the time.
I really don't know what to do.

#2 sandythedog



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Posted 19 August 2012 - 05:42 PM


I'm so sorry you've had it rough. First thing I can say is, what was happening then or what were you doing then that you're not doing now? Were you davening everyday? Were you going to a Torah class once a week? Were you spending more time with friends? By figuring out what worked before, you can, hopefully, find the antidote to your 'slump.'

In terms of dating, I'm several years older than you and I can tell you this:
My take has basically always been that each date or each person you meet, is an experience. Everytime you go out, think of it as a learning experience and learn something from the date or from the individual. For example, on one date I hate, I had a nice date but the guy was not for me. Hence, I learned that you can have a nice date, great restaurant etc, even if the guy isn't for you. In essence, there's a purpose to every date.

On that same note, when people date, some people get the first guy they go out with but MOST don't. I know several people who are just getting engaged now, in their mid-20s. I know others who got married in their late 20's, early 30's. Hashem has a plan for everyone.

In terms of davening:
My neshamalah, you have go daven. Hashem cares about you and WANTS to hear what you have to say, even if you think what you say or feel makes no sense, or even if you feel, 'what's the point?,' Hashem is listening. He wants to be connected to you. Think of it this way: How do you connect to friends or family? By spending time with them and TALKING with them. Tefillah, davening/prayer, is our way of speaking with Him and asking Him for His help. When we're connected to Hashem, we aren't as 'stuck in a rut.' It makes a world of difference.

#3 Rabbi Shapiro

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 09:46 AM

What is most likely happening is a combination of two things.

First, the dating situation can really sap your energy and your spirit. And - dating too many men saps energy more than dating too little. Every unsuccessful shiduch involves a falsification of the hope that you had that perhaps this is "the one." Shattered opportunities are much better at breeding fatigue and burnout than lack of opportunities. This is because with a lack of opportunities, there is still the soothing feeling of hope and optimism to prevent negativity. With shattered opportunities, even hope becomes sour, because it has resulted so many times in the pain of disappointment.

That, plus the very common sudden decline in Ruchnius many women feel when returning to "life after seminary", and the emptiness and disappointment that comes with it, can account for the feelings you are describing.

The first step in dealing with this is to realize why it is happening. If you think my assessment may be accurate, then if you realize that your feelings are not a random assault of ennui and that they are due to a reaction to certain stimuli then you can take control and determine not to react that way. It's much, much easier to change a disposition when you know why it's there.

Second, is to focus on the fact that your Zivug is out there somewhere and the failure of many men to be that Zivug does not mean that the real one is not there. You only have one Zivug. The guys you went out with are not him. Psychologically, it is natural to think that the more samples in a population that turn out to be disappointments, the more likely it is for future samples to disappoint as well. That is usually true, but not in the case of Shiduchim. Because we know that somewhere there definitely is a man designated as your Zivug, that will not disappoint. We also know there is only one of him. The question is when you will find him. But he is there.

Then, the realization that the "high" of seminary never lasts, that the life you led spending all your time with Shiurim and discussions of spiritual growth never had a chance of lasting more than a year, and that the cold-turkey conversion from that to a nine-to-five work life (two of them in your case) is often traumatizing.

And very spiritually draining.

All of the above is the סור מרע. Then there's the עשה טוב. Enjoy your Shabbosos and Yomim Tovim. Spend them in spiritual pursuits. Think of them as an oasis from your weekday life. On Shabbos and Yom Tov you can try to live the life you lived in Eretz Yisroel. Don't talk about work or weekday pursuits. To the extent that you can, spend Shabbos and Yom Tov in an atmosphere and with people that treat Shabbos like that as well.

And open that Siddur. You have even more reason to Daven now than you did in seminary. Not only because you want to pray to Hashem to help you get through your situation, but also because those minutes you spend in Tefilah are also an oasis from the routine that you go through daily. You're talking directly to Hashem and you cannot attain a closer connection than Tefilah.

And finally, realize that there is light at the end of the tunnel. For women, the period between seminary and marriage is kind of like being in limbo. You don't feel that your life is being used toward your תכלית in this world. I understand that. But every moment of our lives is created by Hashem with whatever situation we're in, and it is His job - not ours - to choose our daily missions in this world. So whatever Nisyonos you encounter in your current situation, and whatever opportunities you have to choose right over wrong - remember that Hashem specifically designed things because He wanted you have that specific situation at that specific moment. And that making the right choices now - at work, at home, with friends, or wherever - brings Nachas Ruach to Hashem as much as any more overtly spiritual pursuit you could have been engaged in.

#4 danceInTheRain



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Posted 02 October 2012 - 01:31 AM

Thanks so much.
I read and reread this a few times.

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