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[badjew]

what do you do when you don't really belong anywhere? b"H most of my friends who were in similar situations as to the one i'm in/was, have moved on, or gotten help, or grown out of it, or wtvr. b"H several of my friends are married/engaged/going out. b"H they all seem to be moving on, and to be worlds ahead of me.

and i'm still working on stuff... i still didn't get help dealing with things, still figuring out where i stand on certain things and stuff like that...

it's not like i'm jealous-i'm  younger than them by a year or so, and i know i'm not ready yet. and i'm fine with that. but it's weird, cuz i don't really belong with them in a way. i know, stage not age, and all that, but i'm not at that stage either. am i making any sense? probably not... but truthfully, i'm really just confused. it's a weird feeling-i just started college, so i'm a semester behind the other girls in the dorm. and it feels weird, cuz they're all a year of more older than me, holding down jobs, know what they want etc. and then there's me-perpetual job hunter, majoring in "life" cuz idk what i'm going for yet, neither here nor there or anywhere...

add to that i'm in college in the city where i live, but i'm in the dorm. and i go to my parent's for shabbos and stuff. but not cuz i want to. but i'm not gonna explain that to random pple here... and it's just weird cuz they don't know what to make of me. and i don't really belong as a dormer, but i can't live in my parent's house either. idk. sorry about all this spewage feel free not to post, i just had to get it out there

[goddessofdance]

Heya!

 

Wow! It does sound like you're veeery funcused and it sure shows in your writing. But that's okay! And that's normal!

 

There ain't no answer to "what do you do when you don't belong anywhere". I've had the same question for many years. I'm nineteen years old and even though sometimes I hate that I just never feel like I fit in anywhere, it also give me the ability to understand so many different people because I don't have a set standard of what's "normal". 

 

Btw, holding down a job or knowing what you want, doesn't necessarily make you less confused. (Hope what I'm writing won't make you more confused.) I have a job. I know what I want. But I'm still constantly, constantly in doubt of everything. And I've been sure of what I want to do with my life for years. And I've questioned it very often, and I've allowed myself to question it and try other things, but I always came back to the same thing. But for some reason, I still keep questioning it. 

 

I know nothing bout you and you family situation...but for me, because I couldn't live with my family, I moved away. I didn't want to stay in the same city for the very reason that I'd probably have to go there for shabbos and yomim tovim even if I didn't want to, just because it was expected of me. So I moved away. 

 

Also, you say they don't know what to make of you. I've had the same problem...so one day, about a year ago, I sat down and wrote a looong letter explaining my outlook on life, where I was at the moment, and what I plan to do with my life. I told them that I needed to make sure I was okay before anything else. Taking care of myself was the most important thing.

 

And they've been more respectful to me since then. Even thought they obviously don't condone what I'm doing, I made it hard for them to questions me since I already explained myself so clearly. Even if it were things they didn't want to here.

 

So suggestion - try that. I'm not promising it will work and it is hard, especially when the family you have are people you'd rather not know. They're your family and you're kinda stuck. Try to make the best out of a horrific situation. I doubt it'll become good...but maybe you can make it really bad instead of extremely horrible. That's a step.

 

Good luck and hope to hear from you!