3 replies to this topic

[forever613]

Rabbi Shapiro,

 

I have a twin sister that I am very similar to- in personality, appearance, background, intellectual level, life goals, interests, etc. There are very few things/areas that we differ in (and those differences are very minor.) We have grown up together and experience struggles together. I am worried that this is a concern regarding shidduuchim since we are so similar we are pretty much interested probably in the same type of boy. Neither of us has started to date yet- but this is something on my mind (as well as hers :-)) Do you have any advice?

Also, do you think it is necessary for us to branch out simply for the sake of branching out, attaining individuality? I know we have different neshamos, but so many times I feel like we are lumped together as "the twins" and not Person X and Person Y- as individuals. By branching out I mean deliberately placing ourselves in separate environments (which is, once again, challenging since we both have same interests....)

[Rabbi Shapiro]

You don't need to branch out for the sake of branching out. It's unnecessary and artificial. There are many pairs of twins out there and as a rule, they do fine without such efforts. (Of course, if you want to go your own way for other reasons, that's fine, but just for the sake of individuality, it is not necessary at all.)

 

When someone calls with a Shiduch, they often suggest it for a particular twin, but not always. There are two basic ways that families deal with this. Either they try to determine, despite the similarities between the siblings, which one of them the suggested Shiduch is more appropriate for, or they treat the older twin as the older sibling, and assume she is getting married first. 

 

Of course, there's no "right" answer, but there are many, many young people in your position and although sometimes the Shiduch situation can be awkward (I know a case where one twin dumped the guy and then he went out with the twin sister), it is not something you think about, especially not at this point.

 

Remember: Individuality means to be yourself. If being yourself means being like your sister, then artificially "branching out" to become not like her is not being yourself. Being yourself means being yourself. It means neither to be the same, nor to be necessarily different, than someone else.

[forever613]

Why did Hashem create the concept of identical twins- if every person has a different neshama anyway and so everyone is different?

[Rabbi Shapiro]

Outside looks do not indicate spiritual characteristics. Identical twins have different Neshomos. They may look (almost) identical to the naked eye but each has their own totally unique Tachlis.