My mother has a lot of medical conditions. I could list them for you but the odds of your recognizing them is slim. She's had cancer a few times and had her thyroid removed, which caused a tremendous weight gain which led to diabetes which now has permanently damaged her vision. She's also had four heart attacks since I turned twelve, and I'm nearly fifteen.
On top of that, last year my mother was driving some of my friends home motzaei Shabbos when a car crashed into her. It's serious hashgachah pratis that I was waiting for a call from a person I babysit for at home, because the car smashed directly into the seat I would have been seated in. Since the people who crashed into us were family friends we agreed not to press charges, but a few weeks later it became evident that something was really wrong. My mother was brought to the hospital where they discovered that the car crash caused degenerative disk disease, a condition that could leave her chas v'shalom paralyzed or in a wheelchair.
Obviously, it's been very hard for me not to question why this would happen to me, but it's also difficult because of the enormous stress that has been placed on me. I am the oldest of four children and my mother is very active in the community: she teaches, helps at several different shuls for their programs, cooks for anyone in need of a meal, and helps plan fundraisers and well as going to college part-time and working at home.
My mother has been to physical therapy, and for a while it seemed that she was getting better, but then reality set in. I daven for her each day, but it doesn't always feel like enough.
Anyways, since my mother got sick I've been doing a lot of babysitting for my siblings and a lot of chores like laundry and the dishes. These might seem like simple chores but when combined with school and my social life it's very hard to balance. Unfortunately, sometimes I snap at my mother when she asks me to do things and then I feel instantly horrible because it's not her fault she's in pain obviously.
Often I'll say something out of anger - not at her but her condition, really - and then instantly regret it, but no matter how many times I say "sorry," it's still there between us. Is there any actual way to do real teshuva for saying something to a parent? It's a lot harder than with anybody else. Also, if you could give me any suggestions for ways to channel my anger at her condition into something productive, I'd be much obliged. Thank you for reading.