21 replies to this topic

[Bas Yisroel]

OK basically to make a long story short I graduated hs last year and came to seminary in Israel. On the one hand, I'm thrilled beyond-I've been waiting for years to get out of the house, and the situation at home has been deteriorating at a very rapid pace over the last year (more than usual). On the other hand, I'm scared what will happen to my family if I'm not there . i feel like i've been teh one holding them together, keeping everyone safe, especially the youngest ones. they were constantly on my mind. I'm really scared that they'll fall apart without me. i don't know if they will, and i'm praying lev v'nefesh that they won't, but i'm so scared that they might. who'll comfort my mother and be there? i know that staying wasn't really an option, cuz the only thing getting me through the last few years was that i'll be getting out soon, and i've been leaning towards some of my old habits, but i can't leave them like this. I was told this is a case of chayecha kodmin

but being here isn't strengthening me though. don't get me wrong- i love E"Y and i'm thrilled beyond that i'm here. i'm so happy all the time, but the prob is that i'm spending my days in denial, not that i mind, but that's not going ot help me when i go back... and idk which is reality at this point-this, or at home. and i know i'm slipping,. idk anymore. and i just feel so guilty enjoying myself and all that. idk. thank you. and sorry for being so annoying.


and what do i do about the fact that my mother calls me at 2 in the morning her time cuz she can't sleep and she's all stressed? as much as i need to be here, she needs me there. i am going to stay, and i'm well aware that i need to stay, i counted down teh years til i would be here, but at the same time i'm well aware that they need me. idk. wtvr

For lack of a better way to put this, things are getting worse and worse. i've been cutting and bingeing, even though i hadn't done that in months, til i got here anyways. and eerything else is also just nisht. idk. sorry for bothering you.
Basically, I'm in E"Y right now, and i'm not sure if i should stay, because i know that my family needs me back there. and i know i was told chayecha kodmin, and that i need to build myself up, but it's not working. I've gone back to cutting and bingeing/purging, which i stopped months ago. i just don't know what to do anymore. thank you so much.

[Rabbi Shapiro]

First – your family needs your help, true, and you should help them. The best help you can give them is to make sure you do not fall apart. You know, like, when you were on the plane going to EY and they explained to you how to use the emergency oxygen masks that drop down automatically. They tell you that if you are sitting with a child, you should first put on your own mask, make sure you are breathing right, and only then put the mask on your child.

I always wondered how mothers feel putting their own mask on first knowing that their own child needs oxygen. Instinct says to help the kid and then put on your own mask.

But they can’t do that – if they do, they’ll just put both themselves and the child in danger.

So the mother has to take care of herself first in order to be useful to her child.

Same thing with you. You need to fix yourself first. Or you’re of little use to anyone.

So listen – my advice is, the place you should be is WHERE YOU WILL BE ABLE TO GET THE HELP YOU NEED. And I’m talking about the binging and the purging and the cutting. You need professional help. And wherever you can get that quickest and best – that’s where you should go.

Now watch out – the Yetzer Horah will be encouraging you to do this binging and purging and cutting in order to “prove” to you that you are not gaining anything in Israel and you may as well be home. Your instincts (like the mother’s in the story) tell you to go help your family. Your brain tells you to stay in Israel and build yourself up. You want to go home and you feel very guilty about staying, even though you know it’s the right thing, so now comes this Yetzer Horah with an easy way out of that conflict and that guilt: cut and binge and purge - and presto! The conflict is resolved! You may as well go back to help your family because you’re not helping yourself anyway by staying in Israel.

Watch out for that psychological Taavah. You may want to mention that idea to whomever it is you talk to professionally. But please, L’Maan Hashem, and L’Maan your family, and L’Maan yourself – please please get professional help. The quicker the better, so start in Israel. Find out if you can stabilize there, which is of course the ideal. But if not, then go wherever you can get the better professional care.

Get your oxygen mask on so you can go help your family. They need you.

And you need you too.



PS - Please try to think of someone you can confide in that can intervene and help your family while you are in Israel. You may be reluctant but they may seriously need someone to get involved.

One more thing - can you please tell me - via private email - what type of danger is it that that your siblings need protection from? Please remember I do not know who you are so you are not breaking any confidences.

[Bas Yisroel]

Thank you for answering. The metzius is there is no way i'm going to get help this year cuz realisitcally speaking there's no way that i can without someone finding out. The one person who i trust wants me to call someone wehn i get back, and for now that's what's going to be happening. I like your mashal about the airplane, and the explanation of it being the yetzer hara, and i totally get it, just doesn't mean i've internalized it yet... i'm working on it... thank you so much. sorry for rambling,a nd that i'm not making much sense.

[Rabbi Shapiro]

sorry for rambling,a nd that i'm not making much sense.

You're making perfect sense.

Please let me know how things work out. Don't give up. We're all rooting for you.

[smillingirl]

Anyone out there want to know my story? I care to share if you care to read.

[Rabbi Shapiro]

Yes. Please. I saw your post in Forgiveness.

[SilverShoes]

Smilin--
I would love to hear.

[danceInTheRain]

yes, i care!!really!

[smillingirl]

Do they have Kosher rehabs for an eating disorder. How would I pay for it?

[Bas Yisroel]

One more thing - can you please tell me - via private email - what type of danger is it that that your siblings need protection from? Please remember I do not know who you are so you are not breaking any confidences.

honestly not all that much. i'm a bit of a drama queen i guess. it's hard for me to talk b'chlal even like this, so i guess this prob won't come out all that clearly. to make a long story short, one of my brothers is bipolar, add/adhd, and has anxiety problems. there's more, but i'd rather not go into it right now. nothing big rlly. like said, b"H i have it really easy, and i'm jsut making a big deal out of nothing. sorry

[Rabbi Shapiro]

honestly not all that much. i'm a bit of a drama queen i guess. it's hard for me to talk b'chlal even like this, so i guess this prob won't come out all that clearly. to make a long story short, one of my brothers is bipolar, add/adhd, and has anxiety problems. there's more, but i'd rather not go into it right now. nothing big rlly. like said, b"H i have it really easy, and i'm jsut making a big deal out of nothing. sorry

Well Boruch Hashem it's "nothing big rlly." But that's enough to make you feel like you're getting more than you deserve, living in the lap of normalcy which your siblings have to go through what they go through.

But that binging and purging and cutting - they are not nothing. Not only do they need to be dealt with but whatever the reason is you started doing all that needs to be addressed as well.

Look, I understand you don't want anyone to know that you're in need of help ("The metzius is there is no way i'm going to get help this year cuz realisitcally speaking there's no way that i can without someone finding out."), but honestly - and really, there is no reason to say this except for your benefit - you should try to get help anyway, even if there is a risk of someone finding out. I don't want to say the cutting is nothing, but the binging and purging is a real danger. Put it this way - if someone would ask me, I would tell them that if they could only get help for that by being Mechalel Shabbos, they should do so.

At the very least, some medical insurance plans offer free, confidential consultations with doctors via phone or webcam. Please at least find out if your insurance has such a service. That way you can talk to someone without any risk of anyone ever finding out.

Please find out. If you don;t know how, at tell me what insurance plan you have and I can find out for you.

You know my email address. If you don't want to post on the site, please contact me there.

[smillingirl]

ok, I just need to be vague, since I want to protect my anonymity. Thousands of people read these posts. I don't mind private conversations, in email.

[Bas Yisroel]

but i know why i did those things. it's not like it's some big mystery to me. it's just harder to figure out why it's happening here. that's all. and s/o does know. one of my teachers back there knows most of the story, and i called her a couple of times when "it" happened here. and i rlly think it's all ok now cuz i stopped. i've stopped myself before, so there's no reason why i shouldn't be able to stop myself again.
um, is it ok if i randomly spew here for a minute though? you don't have to read through the rest, i just needed to get it out, even if it doesn't make much sense.
i'm living in denial yet again,and its just not working for me anymore. in a way im almost angry at her for getting it out of me after having living in denial for so long, and being happy there. now, i'm such a wreck. idk i appreciate all that she's done for me, but truthfully, facing it doesn't make me all taht happy. and i know it means that i'm bad that i can't even deal with such stupidities when pple are dealing with much worse things but i'm not dealing with it. so fine i'm a bad jew lacking in emunah and bitachon and all that. but that doesn't make much of a diff cuz i can't connect to Hashem anyways. uch Hashem, i'm so angry. at mommy, at daddy, at myself, and at You. and i know i'm not allowed to be, but i am. k, so i'm a rasha. oh well. and maybe now i'm being punished for all the stuff i did cuz now that i finally think i might wanna cry, i can't. but its all good, cuz e/t is good cuz it's all from Him so no such thing as being upset or its kefira... why can't there jsut be shalom? adn why does it have to be this wy? why are they killing each other like that? why? theyre mature adults, can't they just stop ripping into each otehr? theyre tearing e/t apart. it doesn't have to be thsi way, does it? oh G-d, why can't i jsut make e/t all better? why do i mess up and end up failing e/t? all i wanted to do was to be perfecta nd to make e/t perfect for e/o and somehow its jsut nisht. i feel so fake. i am so fake. and its going to crash soon. theres only so long i can go on baeing the strong one that e/o relies on thats always happy and always there for whoever needs. theres only so much longer i can jsut smile and laugh away e/t . i hate this. i love denial and i hate it. jsut once i'd love to be real. but i can't. wtvr. it's nisht importatnt. rlly i'm jsut a melodramatic teen acting like a dramatic teenager. guess its about time i acted my age, no? wtvr. b"H tis all good

[smillingirl]

I have an eating disorder. Am currently living in a very unhealthy environment. I don't know if I would characterize it as abuse. But a very unhealthy environment. I have moved out in the past. I currently have no place to go, but I must get out, no one seems to care. I need to just take care of it on my own. I just have to do it on my own. Exactly what I will do I don't know, but I need to get out of here, fast.

Sorry, Im just venting. Just had a fight with someone. Was sort of kicked out. I knew I had to leave, anyways, for my own good.

Im always taken advantage of, in school at home. No where to turn for help. Threatening suicide doesn't help. So I will just have to do something on my own.

Im in a very bad mood right now, so I better shut up, before I ramble on and on.

[Rabbi Shapiro]

but i know why i did those things. it's not like it's some big mystery to me. it's just harder to figure out why it's happening here. that's all. and s/o does know. one of my teachers back there knows most of the story, and i called her a couple of times when "it" happened here. and i rlly think it's all ok now cuz i stopped. i've stopped myself before, so there's no reason why i shouldn't be able to stop myself again.
um, is it ok if i randomly spew here for a minute though? you don't have to read through the rest, i just needed to get it out, even if it doesn't make much sense.
i'm living in denial yet again,and its just not working for me anymore. in a way im almost angry at her for getting it out of me after having living in denial for so long, and being happy there. now, i'm such a wreck. idk i appreciate all that she's done for me, but truthfully, facing it doesn't make me all taht happy. and i know it means that i'm bad that i can't even deal with such stupidities when pple are dealing with much worse things but i'm not dealing with it. so fine i'm a bad jew lacking in emunah and bitachon and all that. but that doesn't make much of a diff cuz i can't connect to Hashem anyways. uch Hashem, i'm so angry. at mommy, at daddy, at myself, and at You. and i know i'm not allowed to be, but i am. k, so i'm a rasha. oh well. and maybe now i'm being punished for all the stuff i did cuz now that i finally think i might wanna cry, i can't. but its all good, cuz e/t is good cuz it's all from Him so no such thing as being upset or its kefira... why can't there jsut be shalom? adn why does it have to be this wy? why are they killing each other like that? why? theyre mature adults, can't they just stop ripping into each otehr? theyre tearing e/t apart. it doesn't have to be thsi way, does it? oh G-d, why can't i jsut make e/t all better? why do i mess up and end up failing e/t? all i wanted to do was to be perfecta nd to make e/t perfect for e/o and somehow its jsut nisht. i feel so fake. i am so fake. and its going to crash soon. theres only so long i can go on baeing the strong one that e/o relies on thats always happy and always there for whoever needs. theres only so much longer i can jsut smile and laugh away e/t . i hate this. i love denial and i hate it. jsut once i'd love to be real. but i can't. wtvr. it's nisht importatnt. rlly i'm jsut a melodramatic teen acting like a dramatic teenager. guess its about time i acted my age, no? wtvr. b"H tis all good

You know what they teach people who are studying to be lifeguards? They teach them that when they swim out to save someone they need to watch out because people who are drowning tend to jump at anything they can reach - even a human being - and grab onto them as if they were a life preserver. But if the lifeguard gets jumped like that by the person he is trying to save, they both go down. So they teach the lifeguard to approach the drowning person and grab him from the back.

Those people you are trying to save, they are drowning. And drowning people - in their panic, it's not their fault - instinctively grasp at anything they can get their hands on, hoping it will keep them afloat, even if in reality it will only bring down the person they grasp on to.

And they are grasping at you. All of them. Instinctively. Because you are not sinking and they hope you can keep them afloat.

But you need to keep cool if you want to remain safe and have a chance of saving them. You can't let them pull you down with these feelings of guilt and questions about why did this happen. A lifeguard does not try to figure out how the person he is saving got way out there where he cannot swim. Whether it is the person's fault, or whether he was swept out by a wave, or whether he was clueless and swam where he shouldn't have - it doesn't matter. What matters is keeping cool and trying to save as many people as possible, and first and foremost - and please listen to this carefully - first and foremost, to make sure he himself doesn't go down as well.

It doesn't matter right now why any of this happened. You can deal with that later if you want. Right now your focus needs to be on saving yourself and then your family. In order to do that you can't let those guilt feelings grasp you and pull you down. Please understand:

It is not your job to be the person in the family that everyone holds on to for stability. The reason it seems that way is because drowning people will hold onto whatever they can grab on to. It doesn't mean it is your responsibility. It means they are panicking. And if you accept this responsibility and allow them all to grab on to you, you will be pulled down by their weight. They are grabbing onto you in their panic and instinctively hope that you can support their weight.

But you can't. You will just be pulled under. Do not allow yourself to be the life preserver for the entire family. You need to avoid them all jumping on you.

And you can. Do not accept the responsibility of keeping everyone afloat. Keep yourself afloat and then go call for help. That is the quickest, the best, and the only way for your family to get the help they need. You can help them. But only by taking care of yourself first and then calling for help for them.

And you can only do that by not allowing yourself to be weighed down with guilt and responsibilities that are not within your ability to fulfill.

[HTH]

Bas Yisroel -- you are so real! I really mean that! You are in touch with your feelings in ways that few people are. As a sensitive soul, you understand what is going on inside of you. However, having a sensitive soul can also be the cause of a lot of pain; especially for you since your life has been so painful. A beautiful soul with such a big heart, as you have, can't keep everything inside. Please find someone to talk to, because you deserve the relief of having someone else in whom to share your pain, gain new perspectives, and start life anew. It seems to me that you should talk to someone in Eretz Yisroel. Although it might hurt for it to be discovered that you are going through therapy in Israel, it will certainly hurt more not to address the issues. Moreover, I feel that you have a better chance of dealing with the issue being at a distance from your family. Once you are stronger inside, you can return, and continue the process of healing in chutz la'aretz. However, if you prefer therapy in the closer to home, that is fine -- just please get help.

You are not a Rasha! You are one of Hashem's children whom He loves, but you are also in a lot of pain. Start the healing process, keep on reaching out to Hashem, and I feel that you can start life anew.

[HTH]

Smilingirl - Do you still have a home? A school to go to? Are you dealing with your eating disorder? Things seem so difficult for you, but you can overcome this.

Nevertheless, it is so hard to feel that you are all alone. But you are not really alone. Even though you may feel individual Jews (like your parents) are not taking care of you, the Jewish People have many ways to try and help. Perhaps call your community Rabbi. If you are too uncomfortable, maybe try a place like Ohel. You can just google them and get contact information.

I truly wish that I could help you, and I'm sure that many people on this site would agree. Please feel free to be in touch.

[smillingirl]

yeah I have a home, a none stable home, but a home. im outta school, already. not really dealing with my eating disorder. A lot of people wish they can help me, but no one does.

[HTH]

Do you know why they don't help?

[smillingirl]

No one knows what to do. Or are afraid to do anything.