no self esteem
Posted 11 June 2012 - 09:39 PM
I was a ballerina before I became frum. I'm not a stage dancer -- I can't be anymore in the professional world. But I dance at Chasunes before the Kallah. It's a Mitzva I enjoy which helps develop my self-esteem and maintain my identity at the same time.
Posted 21 June 2012 - 08:19 AM
Based on what you said before, it sounds like what you mean to say here is, at the time your friends say this to you, it feels as i they are not your friends. But you only get that feeling then. It subsides when the embarrassment of the moment subsides.
but my friends always say im weird. like evrything i do or say they say "oh my gosh your soooo weird!" and then i feel like they dont like me and i dont have friends.
You know in your head, even when they say this to you, that they really are your friends, but because of the way they are treating you, you don't feel that friendship at that moment. On the contrary - you feel like they are not your friends.
Your friends shouldn't say this to you. It is 100% wrong. And you should ask them not to. You should tell them that it really is hurtful to you. The odds are they don't realize this. They probably have no idea that their words are causing you pain, and momentarily feeling like you doubt their friendship.
Ask them to please not do this. Ask them one by one, not in a group, and make sure you tell each one that you are not singling them out but that you wanted to tell her one on one - like a friend. And that you will (or you already have) spoken to your other friends as well.
What I said above applies here too. You need to not allow your feelings to convince you of reality. If you know in your head that these people are your friends (and you do) then the fact that they treat you not like a friend sometimes (and when that happens you feel estranged) means they are not treating you not like a friend, and that is wrong, but they are in fact your friends.
These people who say this to you would still help you when you need help, for example, and consider you a friend like they do any of their friends. They are friends who, when they say this, are treating you in a way that, although they likely do not realize it, makes you feel not like a friend.
The way things seem can have an influence on our perception, even when we know that the reality is different. We see this from Chazal, who tell us that when a judge has to judge a case between a poor man and a rich man, he must tell the poor man to dress like a rich man before he judges the case, in order to ensure that he does not favor the rich one over the poor. Now consider: The judge knows in his mind that the poor man is poor - he told him to go change his clothes! But still, the fact that he looks rich still has an effect on the judgment of the judge.
Now this idea, that people have a dual-perception, that is impacted both by what things look like as well as the way things really are, sometimes works against us.
Like in your case. You know these girls are your friends, but because they say this nasty thing to you, it feels like they are not. This impacts on the part of your judgement that reacts to the way things seem. You need to focus on that - that this feeling you have that these girls are not your friends is due to the fact that it is part of our nature to judge things based on the way they seem, even if we know they are not that way.
So don't worry about the fact that sometimes it feels you don't have friends. If you know in your head that you do have friends - which you do know - then the fact is you do have friends. It's OK to sometimes feel that your friends are not really friends when they are nasty to you. It's normal to feel that way. Just don't let it trick you into thinking that is reality.
The judge is exhorted to dress the poor man in rich man's clothing. But that does not mean he should stop giving him Tzedakah, or lend him a lot of money. It's OK to feel that things are the way they appear, but we also have to make sure those feelings don't trick us into thinking they represent reality.
Posted 30 October 2013 - 01:37 PM
I don't know if this will help you, but it certainly helps me. One of the things Rabbi Miller ztl talks about is how the universe is G-d imagination. Every inch of the world you see, is just G-d thinking up a world that is really just a day dream from the perspective of the Creator.
What this means is that we don't truly exist, and G-d's plan is to be mativ tov with us at all times so even the negative things that happen to us are intended for our ultimate benefit, as painful as that may be.
What could boost your self esteem is knowing that you're a Jew, and you possess the Torah which is the blue print of Creation and is the truth. That means you're a pretty big deal, since Torah is the purpose of the briah, and the Jew who upholds it, sustains the universe. Now, to be an ethical monotheistic mench, one also has to be anav, which is part of the package that builds self esteem.
Rabbi Twerski writes that living a Torah life is conductive to building self esteem. However, for that to happen, that Torah has to be tamim. A Torah that is incomplete cannot fulfill someone. A person has to be honest with themself, know what they are or aren't capable of, and just do their best.
I recommend reading Rejoice O Youth, on a multiple basis. You should also learn the Midrash Says (yes, even the ones intended for very small children and has the pictures).
Wishing you success.
Posted 30 October 2013 - 04:42 PM
Some good stuff I found online:
When you do what you think is the right thing then your self esteem goes up. If you just coast then you tend to feel kinda lame about yourself. So do awesome stuff and you feel awesome about yourself. Do ok stuff and feel ok about yourself. This is not always an easy thing. But people who do the right thing get fine inner rewards (and often outer rewards too). What you do tends to correspond to what you get in the long run.
What is the right thing? Well, that’s up to you to decide and it can vary from life to life and situation to situation. (edit- For us Jews its obviously different and we have a Torah which we must keep and keeping it properly makes us feel good.) Some of the things I think is the right thing to do is to keep my life in order and organized, to workout regularly and take care of my health, to be positive and open, to spend time doing things I really like doing, to get out of my comfort zone and face fears and to be a person of action.
When you do the right thing you like yourself more and so the self sabotage decreases. The standards you set for yourself flows over to your world too. What you accept or don’t accept from yourself is what you tend to accept or not accept from other people.
And what you think and do to the world around you – for example being judgmental or being open and kind – is how you tend to think about yourself and treat yourself too.