93 replies to this topic

[taon]

Then about 2 weeks ago she called me up to tell me there's a sale at a store so she offered this " i'll drive u to the store if u would like but don't expect me to spend a Peny on u " so that's just mean so I said no

This, and other things, make it sound like she does, at least somewhat, want to remake a relationship with you, slowly, but gets scared and doesnt want to fully show it. She also may be jealous of your relationship with your father. Maybe if you acted more like you want o eventually build a little more of a relationship with her, even a neutral one, it may help you. And she may improve to try to get that relationship. Even if you dont really want it.

[shira]

hi im kind of new to this site, and im not really sure if im posting this in the right place. but i have so much on my mind lately and noone to talk to. im not so sure where to start, so i'll begin from this past summer.

it was the worst summer i ever had. i came to camp with already having been diagnosed with depression. and being a cutter. that alone, was embarassing enough for a so called, 'bais yaakov girl' to hold inside of her. so i was 16 years old, and i had a relationship with my sup. she knew everything practically and i trusted her.

earlier that year i had confided in her that i was cutting. and when i did, she said that she called a social worker( who happened to have been the director of my camp and knew it was me) and that she said to tell me that i have to tell my parents and if not, shes calling hatzala. i was so freaked out. my mom was in israel at the time and i was the only one home. after crying for hours i told my sup that ill tell my father. she said ok and asked me if i preffered that she tell him. so i agreed. since then ive bben in therapy and on meds. there were so many other emotions involved. fear, terror and shame. but im trying to cut it short. so this past summer, i went in, hopefiul. that things might be okay,

i was so wrong.

first of all everytime i met this camp director i was mortified.
then there was the day we went to the amusement park.
i had hurt my foot, so i began lagging behind my group of friends and my sup. suddenly i felt someone grab me from behind. i was groped, really bad. i cant describe what i had felt. this horrible person took every sense of dignity i had left in me and i was shattered. i couldnt scream because i was overcome with shock so i fought him off and punched him and ran as fast as i could. i didnt tell anyone. we were stiil at the amusement park and it was getting dark. that same sup was with my group and we were on the ferris wheel. i was so overcome with feelings i didnt know how to deal with so i thought about jumping. i was so incredibly sad and felt utterly alone and afraid. the doors of the ferris wheel were ones that swung open so i pushed 1 foot out, stil comtemplating. my sup started screming because she knew e/t. but my friends were laughing cuz they thought it was a joke. she held me till we got off the ride but i didnt tell her anything with the guy.

the next day she saw something was bothering me so i told her about the guy.
that nite, she came over to me and said that she told the 2 directors and the owner of the camp. i was furious! how cud she betray me like that? how? i was so scared! (i found out later that she only told the camp abt the ferris wheel, not what triggered it, so they thought i was mentally ill) anyways, the director spoke to me, told me how she cares about me- yea right she didnt even know my name till then. she said that i would have a phone session with my therapists the nxt day.

so when i had that session, my therapist said that she spoke to the director who said that she'll call my parents. but was later shocked to find out that my director was my director, because she knew her as a social worker. so what she did was completely illegal. plus she never even told my parents.

it was only after i came home from camp that i told my father. he was fuming mad, apparently it was justified because the camp
was irresponsible and didnt notify my parents. but i wasnt even mad i was just sad. and i kept getting panic attacks and nightmares.

anyways, school restarted and i was in eleventh grade. my 2nd day of school i was called to my principal's office.she told me that she got phonecalls form the camp... and wanted me to know that she knows everything. that she knows i was cutting and about the ferris wheel. so i said yea, but u dont know what triggered that. and i told her about the guy.

and she said, i dont belive u bc ur sister told us the same story. i was in complete shock because i didnt know then but later i found out that my older sister was continuously molested by my cousin. i ran out of her office crying.

i grabbed my stuff and ran home. the first thing i did was overdose. i took a whole box of percocet. my father was in his office so i went there and told him wat happ but not about the pills . he was so angry but i didnt have ebergy to fight him bc he wanted to talk to my principal. so i went to my room. a few minutes later he called me, but i said i cant come i didnt feel well. he came to my room and immediately realized what happened.
00
he took me to the ER and had to sign me out AMA( against medical advice.) i had so much going on after that. i didnt wanna switch scools bc i was terrified of change. but now i realize it was a huge mistake.
this happened in september. now i pretty much am still finding it hard to forgive. and i stopped going to therapy bec my therapist and me just werent working out. my relationship with my parents sucks. and their trying to find me a new therapist.

but i find my self feeling so scared all the time and for no reason. i hate myself. and my life and i feel so alone

[kooky]

Okay Shira,
Firstly you have been through an extremly difficult and emotionally painful year from the sounds of what you have posted here. I really admire you reaching out of your 'aloneness' and sharing such personal parts of yourself with us. I understand how hard it is when someone you trust breaks the trust that you have in them, as has happened to you. It is very difficult to allow someone else in after that, but the reality is that the more you hold in within yourself the harder it is to keep going in your own life.

There are a number of seperate issues you are talking about:
1) Cutting - you mentioned that you had already begun cutting before the camp experience. Do you remember when you started to cut? What deep pain were you experiencing that cutting seemed to help you cope with?

2) You were groped. That is sexual assault - YOU were the victim. It makes sense that you were terrified and felt hopeless, especially as you already were dealing with your own sadness and struggles. There is often alot of trauma left over as a result of being attacked. You were in therapy and I wonder if you had started to address some of that with your therapist. It is very important for you to begin to work through this. You say that you feel "scared all the time" and that makes alot of sense to me hearing what you have been through.

3) Trust - The thing about the betrayal you describe from the supervisor you were close with, I imagine as being deeply hurtful to you. I wonder if your supervisor, who you trusted, thought that she couldn't help you on her own (as you were dealing with some pretty big stuff) and looked to someone else to help her help you. I know this doesnt make it any better, because you trusted HER, wanted HER to keep your personal things between just the two of you.

4) Sadness, overdose attempt - You describe the sadness you are experiencing, the absence of anger, the aloness and the panic attacks and I really truly believe that you will benefit from therapy. You need the opportunity to work through all that you have been throug and , what has been done TO you. I understand that the relationship between you and your therapist wasnt working but it is vital for you to find someone else who you can work with. You have your father who it seems is involved and aware that you are struggling .. so you aren't completly alone. But allow yourself to work through what you need to with someone who can really help you. I also think you may benefit from some joining a support group for survivors of sexual assault - that will help you to not be alone and to talk about what happened with others who can understand.

Please keep in contact with us, we too are here for you.

[shira]

thanks it means alot to me that u responsed its just that im scared to get help. i dont want to see a therapist anymore. its too painful. i wish i cud die. i always pray and ask hashem to just take me. i cant see past the clouds.

[shira]

im still not in therapy and its been 3 months. things really arent getting better. im so confused. 1 minute im planning how to hang myself or o.d. and the next minute i'll be in shock at what i was thinking about. i really dont want therapy. i depsise it with a passion that you cant understand. all i want is a friend. someone who would get the hint and realize when i need a hug and when to leave me alone. but ive been waiting my whole life for that. and ive given up hope. sometimes you just cant keep on waiting for something you dont even know will ever happen. that friend never came along, maybe it never will. i tried my luck in boyfriends. never mind the fact that id be kicked out of school and that my parents would mourn for my soul. but im just crying out for help and im not so sure how , i have no streghth or energy to do therapy its torturous. and i really dont wanna hear how i need it... all they wanna do is help. im sick of that crap its full of bs. look where therap y got me now

[HTH]

You are a sensitive, deep, person who is in a lot of pain. Sadness is like a black hole – it sucks every part of you inside, and it is very hard, if not impossible, to feel connected to people outside of you. It is so natural for a sad person to become introverted, and disconnected from those around you. You become locked in a shell and you’ve thrown out the key.

Sweetie, obviously, I don’t know you. But can you believe me when I say that I care about you, even that I love you? Please, please trust me – you have to break out of that shell. Yet, doing that is so, so hard.

Here are some possibilities: 1. Go to therapy. I know you don’t want to, and that it hurts. But, and you know this in your heart of hearts more than anyone, it hurts more not to go to therapy. 2. After you commit to go to therapy, try to volunteer to help people in need. This will allow you to connect with others, and, instead of focusing on your own, genuine pain, you can redirect your sensitive heart to alleviating the pain of others. 3. Maybe try to daven that Hashem take away the pain, instead of taking away you. We need you here!

You say that you can’t see past the clouds, but in your heart is a warm glowing fire that can clear the clouds just like the sun does. Just find ways to allow that warmth to shine, regardless of the trials and tribulations. And please, never forget – a stranger, who wouldn’t even recognize you on the street, loves you. Certainly, then, Hashem always loves you. Keep your chin up, and keep fighting – the sun can shine through even the heaviest clouds.

[Punims]

I know I can't relate to you when it comes to the circumstances that have lead you to all of this. But I CAN relate to hating therapy, wanting to kill yourself and not know what's gotten into you the next day and wanting some friends. I used to go to therapy and hated every minute of it. The wanting to die and being a changed person the next day, for me I think came from depression. When you're feeling really, really down, your thoughts can get extremely negative. Death is the only solution that sounds okay, everything else just depresses you.

But the next day, when you're rested, things just look brighter and you're thinking, "Was that really me last night?" I still read my old diaries and think, what a sad, sad person I was. You do need a friend and you also need a nice outlet. Can you open a blog and write? Is writing therapeutic for you? Because then you can get out all your hard, sad feelings and have lots of strangers become friends through that.

What type of people do you want to become friends with? Do you know where those types of people hang out? Can you get someone to help initiate a "big sister" type of relationship? Maybe Rabbi Shapiro can help with that.

[shira]

hi everyone thanks so much for responding. it was so heartwarming to see what you guys wrote. punims, im not wven sure what kind of friends i want. im terrified to reach out. you have no idea. look where it got me. i m so scared to trust and learn to open my heart again. because all thats ever doe, was disappoint me. i wish i could me you all cuz you say you really care. usually i dont believe it when someone tells me that, but the fact that im a complete stranger and you say you still care about me makes me bleilieve that. thanks. wish me luck toorrow , my mom made me an appointment with a new therapist. shes not a dbt . thank god

[HTH]

Please let us know how it goes -- we really do care...

[idknemore]

hey i was just wondering how everyones been doing ?
o and hi shira i read your post and im not even sure what to say because that like woah probobly such a hard nisayon for you ...
i really admire you for looking for help/posting herer to let out your feelings

[shira]

hi im actually doing bettr i think. i found a therapist and i think its really gonna work out with her. i hope so anyways. i still cut and get realy bad panic attacks at the worst moments. but thanks so much everyone for your support. it means a lot to me

[HTH]

Shira - I'm so, so happy for you. Keep your chin up and keep fighting - we're rooting for you!

Idknemore - It is so good to hear from you. Have things settled down by you? How's it going?

[idknemore]

hey
so things settled a litle bit .. my dad is being sued by my mom
and my ipod ( which i became severely addicted to - to the point of using on shobboss) i umm i hate myself fo it but i by mistake droped it in the toilet and broke it .. it happent like 3 days ago and its in rice but i hate myself for breaking it
umm i relapsed wih purging .. i got myself new blades cuz basically i learnt how to hide evrything so i dont feel a need to stop anymore
yaaaa
i got a book "the addicted soul" its amazing !!! - nuf said !
sooo umm i dont eat enough and i excersixe a ton .. after pesach my weight jumped to 197lbs i fliped out and after all the harassment i got from my family about how they miss the way i looked in the summer ( 160lbs) they said i shud go back to that ... so im on my way .. now so far this week in 4 days i lost 7lbs !!
and atm im 186lbs ( sorry ik ik im fat )
soo umm other than that my mom told me shes going to fertility specialists cuz she wants a baby with her ( ever so annoying pervert ) husband
my cat that i lived with since i was 5ish died on pesach and i was in florida with my dad so i missed the funeral
i am getting over that now
umm i wana go and start weraing pants cuz in pants i fit a size 12 but in skirts i am at least a 16-18 ( its killing me )
soo yeah thats it basically
and i have my skewl shabaton this week sooo nervous !!

[HTH]

Hey, sweetie! It's so good to hear from you. Would you be willing to have a meeting with the author of "The Addicted Soul"? I think it would be really good for you. (If you do, please let Rabbi Shapiro know -- he can get in touch with me and we can try to arrange it.)

[shira]

i feel awful .its so weird having so many ups and downs. i thought i was better and then got this huge panic attack in school and nearly passed out. it was so embarassing. and this new thing developed that im terified of any physical contact. when i had to go to the doctor 4 a well visit, i freaked out i told him not to toucch me and he totaly ignored me. plus whenever a/o tries to hug me or even brushes past me i freak out. i dont know where this paranoia comes from. i just know that im so confused so sad and so tired of fighting this endless battle. im trying to hang on. im screaming for help. yelling. and crying. but my feelings are laughed at and ignored. the rabbis i tried talking to wont even return my calls. i tried talking to random strangers askijng them 4 help. because i dont feel like ayone knows or cares that i even exist. why me? i hate my school . look at what they did to me. im a an undercover OTD kid. i hate this. im mechalel shabbos, i lost any connection i had with god. plius the cutting, suicide attempts. where on earth am i supposed to start. or should i end? please someone anyone help me i dont know what to do. its so strange how things suddenly seem so good and then turn so bleak

[eidel]

Hi, just wanted to say I very recently (Erev Shabos after Shavuos) had a panic attack with a flash of suicidal thoughts...&although my situation is far simpler and probably even something to be laughed at by people who see only the surface of it, i wanted to send a message that you're not alone. (All of us are connected even though no two people are under the exact same circumstances.) i left a crying message in a rabbi's phone, and then he let me text and pour out what was on my mind.. till i calmed down and was ready for Shabos.. The week before Shavuos was when my series of attacks started: went to the ER bcuz i was throwing up & couldnt breathe & was scared out. Basically my case is from trying to be what (older) ppl want me to be, & killing my true thoughts - could we relate somewhat in this sense? U lost weight to make others happy..

[shira]

thanks. kinda helps to know someone i cud kind of relate to. i just dont know what to do with myself. passed by ocean parkway like everyday. and dare my self to cross a red. i got hit once. but unfortunately nothing happ. i feel guilty after bc wat if the guy did kill me. hed live with a guilty concience for the rest of his life while i did it on purpose. i just cant seem to do it myself. i feel like going over to pple giving them a gun and ask them to just pull the trigger 4 me. id even pay them! what the hell ? if my parents saw my posts theyd probaby say what a spoiled selfish child. but the fact is i know i have so so much good in my life. things pple crave for. i have a loving understanding family( but hard to communicate with) i have so many extra things. get so much that i ask for. but im just so so sad. it shud be the total opposite. and that makes me even more depressed.its this endless cycle. i curse myself out. for my feelings. for my actions. for the blessed curse i have of being so sensitive. and i just want to be closer to god. killing myself brings me to heaven, or hell, no? either one is closer to god than where we are- on earth. i cant deal. i just cant anymore.

[HTH]

Shira - we need you here with us. Please, please call Ohel and get the help you need! Call Toll Free 1-800-401-OHEL (6435) Hours of Operation Monday-Thursday: 9:00am-5:00pm
Friday: 9:00am-1:00pm

I'm so scared for you. Never forget that there is a stranger who feels pain over your pain, cries with you, and hopes for your better future.

[shira]

i cant call ohel.... im not that type. no strength to reach out. and im scared 4 me too

[taon]

CAn you email them? info@ohelfamily.org subject: I have a question for OHEL